Stereotypically, women pay more attention than men to how things are going in their romantic relationships because women generally pay a lot more attention to most of their relationships, which buys them a hell of a lot more worry, stress, and feeling alone.
Men stereotypically don’t worry as much about how their relationships are going, and if they do, there is a lot of social pressure not to admit it. Men typically acknowledge insecurity about their relationships only when their wives withdraw in some way that finally gets their attention, which can range from not showing as much interest in what he is talking about, to losing interest in sex, or threatening to leave.
Once a man believes abandonment is a possibility he typically goes from zero to sixty in a heartbeat, becoming obsessively interested in how the relationship is going- buying gifts, taking his wife out for dinner, wanting to hear about her day, buying self-help books and suggesting they read them together, or even proposing the previously dreaded couples therapy.
Contrary to popular opinion, men are just as anxious as women about whether they are liked and accepted and not currently at risk of being abandoned.
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Contrary to popular opinion, men are just as anxious as women about whether they are liked and accepted and not currently at risk of being abandoned. It makes good sense to watch carefully and worry about any part of your life that so profoundly influences so much of your happiness. In reading this article you’ve taken the first step in acknowledging that you, just like every other man, have some anxiety about whether or not the woman you’re involved with approves of you.
When a man is interested in figuring out how his relationships is going, he may ask his girlfriend/partner for reassurance. Of course, he will ask indirectly in a code that both of them understand perfectly well, because he is loath to acknowledge any insecurity directly to her. So, he’ll ask,
“Are you Ok?” “Is everything OK?”
Because he is feeling anxious and insecure, his girlfriend/partner’s answers are never more than briefly satisfying, so he may escalate the frequency of his requests for reassurance to a maddening pace. Because no amount of reassurance ever soothed anyone’s insecurity more than briefly, he doesn’t really believe her answers, and concocts a whole series of credulity straining explanations for why she might be lying to him, like “She just a nice person and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings.”
Since none of her answer are ever convincing, he may decide that the only way to know her true, hidden feelings is to be like a detective and start looking for hidden evidence of how she really feels. He starts watching his girlfriend/partner carefully, hanging on the significance of any word spoken or not spoken, any action taken or not taken, searching for any sign of unhappiness or lack of interest. She hasn’t mentioned where she wants to go on summer vacation this year, maybe she’s not planning to be here? I notice she’s starting to wear a ratty old tee shirt to bed at night, maybe she doesn’t care if I find her attractive anymore? She’s not asking as much about the big deal I’ve got doing on at work, maybe she’s losing interest in me?
Sadly, people generally find whatever they are looking for in another person.
If you go looking for evidence that your girlfriend/partner doesn’t really like you, chances are you’ll find it. You may even end up creating something that didn’t previously exist, because approaching a relationship from a suspicious place inevitably creates more distance in the relationship.
I would like to suggest two steps to understanding how things are going in your relationship, each of which is a lot easier than playing detective and a lot more satisfying. The first step is to start by paying attention to your own experience rather than trying to figure out what’s going on with your girlfriend/partner. Let yourself know what you know. It’s not really much help to know if things are going well for her if they’re not going well for you.
- How do you feel when you are with her?
- Do you enjoy yourself?
- Do you feel relaxed, comfortable being yourself, or more on edge, and worrying about pleasing her?
Once you figure out how you feel, then you can start making this a two-person equation.
No matter how hard you try, you are never going to be able to figure out what’s going on in a relationship by yourself. You only have half the data; all you can do is extrapolate from the information you do have and your conclusions will mostly be off base, sometimes wildly so.
Relationships are mutual.
If things are working well for you, chances are it they’re going pretty well for her too. On the other hand, if there are parts of the relationship that are not going well, then perhaps you could have a conversation about that.
It’s surprising how often it doesn’t even occur to people to have a mutual conversation about their relationship, or if it does occur to them, how intimidating the idea is. This is different from asking your partner for reassurance. I’m suggesting initiating a mutual conversation with your partner about how you each are feeling about the relationship. Questions like:
- “How are we doing?” rather than “Are you OK?”
- “Are you getting what you want and need from this relationship?”
- “Are there ways that I can be a better partner to you?”
- “How are you thinking about our relationship? Do you think we have a future?”
Many men, perhaps you too, have insecurities, and are anxious about being liked and approved of. Rather than trying to manage those insecurities by looking for answers outside of themselves, they could find far more satisfying answers are a lot closer than they think; in themselves.
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