“You are all Skin and Bones.”
“You need to put some meat on those bones.”
“Wow, you are really skinny.”
Many people do not give it a second thought when they comment on how underweight and thin a boy is. These types of comments, while not intended to be derogatory, very often are insulting and contradict the notion of what it means to be a “man.”
While most people would be very hesitant to comment on excess weight on a girl, it is acceptable to denigrate the skinny boy. However, calling a boy “skinny,” arguably, can be as harmful and detrimental as calling a girl “fat” and can have long term consequences on body image and self-esteem.
After all, being a “real” man is associated with being strong and muscular.
Thus, for me, being beach-worthy was never a consideration.
Growing up, I was that skinny boy as I was frequently told. The skinny and puny comments came from all types of people in my life. While I do recognize that the comments were not intended to be hurtful, they left a lasting mark on how I viewed myself and contributed to subsequent lack of confidence. My self-esteem was negatively affected. Early on, I developed a poor body image—one that was learned and shaped.
Years of hearing these comments have been ingrained in my psyche. Regardless of the changes in my physique, a part of me will always see myself as that weak, skinny kid not in align with societal expectations of my gender—gender roles assigned at birth.
◊♦◊
As a society, we engage in gender typing—the socialization process of what a means to be a boy or a girl and the inherent expectations of each gender—toys, clothes, colors, behaviors and feelings.
Masculinity is a powerful context in which males are socialized to behave in culturally defined “masculine” ways. Masculine socialization and most male peer cultures discourage empathetic, relationship oriented activity and emphasize strength, power, and dominance. Physical size and muscularity are key components. This is the ideal perpetuated by socialization and reinforced by the media. When a male does not live up to the perceived expectations of masculinity, he can begin to see himself as less than a man.
Self-confidence issues may arise and body image problems can ensue.
When one’s physique becomes an overriding part of one’s self-concept, problems are often evident in the face of a negative body image. While often not talked about, men have body issues also. I was so invested in the topic that I conducted an original study of college men. The research findings reinforced the prevalence of body image issues among a significant portion of men.
From the outside, others see me as a successful, well-adjusted man.
I am proud of the achievements and successes I have earned throughout my life—professionally and personally. I am a college professor with a Ph.D. and have earned the respect of my peers and students. I take great pride in my career and my work with young adults. My life is filled with a wonderful family and some great friends. In many ways, I have a strong sense of self and positive self-esteem. These reflect the healthy aspects of my self-concept. In spite of these many positives, body image was the struggle – the negative aspect of my self-concept. As for many men, our physique and how we perceive it is a big part of how we see ourselves as men. A negative body image was the broken link in the chain for me. Consequently, my self-confidence suffered tremendously. I was ashamed and embarrassed by my body and went to great lengths to hide my discontent and my body. I dreaded the old “shirts and skins” in gym class for fear of being shirtless.
I had learned to believe this is who I am and I had to live with the body I was given. I began to accept the inherent weakness and devoted all my time and energy into my studies and later my profession. It was the birth of my first child that stymied this belief—transforming attribution from an external lack of control to an internal locus of control. Meaning, I had control over my life and my body. At that point, I took control and devoted myself to a lifetime of fitness. You never know what you can achieve unless you try. Simply words but very powerful. I decided to live by these words.
I hired a personal trainer and began a workout regime and nutrition plan with his assistance. I was inspired and highly motivated. I put in the effort, getting up at 4:30 am to go to the gym before work. My efforts paid off. When I began, I weighed in at 135 pounds on my 5 foot 11 frame. One year later, I had gained 20 pounds—and it wasn’t fat. Gradually, I worked my weigh up to 160 pounds with a body fat around 10 percent.
Today, twenty years later, I have maintained this level.
While I am still somewhat underweight for my height, my sense of confidence grew as my body progressed. The shame and discontent has disappeared and has been replaced with a sense of pride and accomplishment as well as a stronger sense of self. I am no longer ashamed of my body and have a much healthier body image. I no longer avoid situations where my body is exposed. I am now comfortable wearing a tank top, shorts or being shirtless when appropriate. The dread and fear has diminished as my confidence has grown. Am I in a better place today? Absolutely! However, In spite of the growth, honestly there is still a bit of hesitation, a bit of self-doubt. I think it will always be there at some level. It is remarkably better, and I am in a good place overall. Yet, there always will be a part of me that still sees myself as the skinny kid.
It has taken me years to be comfortable with my body. Honestly, I am a work in progress. I fortunately had the support of a close friend in my journey of self-awareness. I know I am not the fittest man, but I am good with where I am and strive to continue to grow.
Being beachbody-worthy is in the eyes of the beholder.
In my eyes, the answer is yes and frankly my opinion is the only one that matters—it is how you see yourself that counts. Admittedly, my comfort with my body came about due to positive changes in my physique—physical standards that align with the socialized view of masculinity. Its influence, for me, was undeniable.
Yet, the message ultimately needs to transcend gender stereotypes and focus on the person—“feel good, make the most of yourself, be healthy and happy.”
When that happens, you are more than ready for the beach.
◊♦◊
Photo: Getty Images
And thank you for commenting below and sharing this!
My own observations regarding the subject of this topic: In 2007 I started a bodybuilding program at the age of 57 – the first time I ever set foot in a health club. It has been quite a struggle because I came down with a chronic sleep disorder (nocturia) at the same time. So, I’m still far from my goal. At least until I overcome my nocturia. But I am physically stronger, and my physique is more muscular than it was when I was young. I wish I had been introduced to bodybuilding when I was a teenager. It’s a… Read more »
This article reinforces the stereotype. Unfortunately a success story does not disprove it. Masculine, attractive, and sexy for men and to wo/men mean a muscular, mesomorphic body. What I see in skinny youth today is a challenge to the stereotype: a willingness to display their skeletal bodies in bathing suits, bermuda shorts, tank tops, etc., without embarrassment or apology; in other words, without hiding. We men all want to be appreciated and admired. For the skinny guys, that takes courage to announce, display, and proclaim, my body is great just as it is.
You can claim that this is “socialization” all you want, but that simply isn’t the case. The fact is, if you’re a short, scrawny, geeky looking guy, especially as extreme as I am, it doesn’t matter how awesome of a person I am. I have had so many amazing friends, both male and female. Every woman I’ve ever met, within 5 minutes, I can get her laughing outrageously, smiling, fascinated, on the edge of her chair, and wanting to be my best friend for life. But…when you look the way I do, it is absolutely impossible for them to see… Read more »
Not 2 cents my friend, worth a million bucks from where I stand.
I was pretty skinny when young. I grew, started playing ball and lifting, My body changed and so did the entirety of my life. You are absolutely correct in that.
I’m grappling with age atm. It’s like going backwards in some respects. Body is not what it once was.
We so often speak of how women are judged, the beauty myth, but how we forget what so many men silently live with, what they go through, what life is like for them.
He’s not over his body issues. The only reason he doesn’t hate his physique is because he beat his body into a perfect prototype that’s right in sync with all of those images of perfection he never measured up to as a skinny kid. Now that he’s a taut and toned , he didn’t score anything for skinny geeks or liberate the skinny guy struggle for acceptance. He became a run of the mill meathead with big biceps. The skinny guys of the world aren’t better off because this jerk jacks off to his own image now that he can… Read more »
Yup, that was and still is me. Being 5’5″ and under 120 lbs for most of my life, it sucks. I decided to do something about it too. I ate 12 thousand, 13 thousand, 14 thousand calories a day for about a year (yes, really!y went to the gym for a year and a half, pushing myself so hard I would get nosebleeds. Epic amounts of protein, and supplements, everything my olympic weightlifting trainers could come up with that was legal. I went from 116 lbs to 120 lbs in a year. I got incredibly strong for my size, but… Read more »
I am so happy for you. You had your PHD and understood a realization that you had but to take control of your physique and had the option of joining a gym and hiring a personal trainer to get an decent body build. Your statement tells of your growing confidence as your body developed..I applaud you for that. I was a child afflicted by polio as a child and as I grew into a man didn’t have the options that you had. There are many of us who have neither the means, nor the ability to develop out of our… Read more »
In the last 5 years I have lost 30 pounds and doubled my squat and almost doubled my bench press. I feel so much better than the Stay Puft man I was before. I can do everything (except watch TV) better. Fu@k, run, chores, drink, play with the kids. Everything is better.
My son is a very skinny boy. I tell him some times to make him eat more (because he really eats very little, it is not a mother´s perception/obsession, he can really go for ten hours without eating a thing and he is ten!). He doesn´t like me ot tell him he is skinny, he always tells me: “I am not skinny mum, I am just my size!” I cannot think of any more brilliant response and better way to remind me not to tell him he is skinny for whatever the reason, although I think it is unavoidable if… Read more »