Men with close male friendships experience more happiness, better health, and more satisfying relationships.
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Men’s friendships reflect our cultural values about masculinity, as well as how men help each other navigate the challenges of their times. Guys tell me that they’re in a bind because while they value their male friendships, they’re not getting the emotional support they desire from them. Consequently, they’re not putting much energy into them either.
I work with men in therapeutic groups. In recent years we’ve been pressing our men to connect more deeply with their male friends outside of their groups. The results have been dramatic. When guys actively reach out to their friends, they discover their friends are also hungry to open up and share more deeply. This helps to accelerate their progress in individual and couples therapy.
Our 2014 national survey on men’s friendships and emotional intimacy (EI) skills validated the importance of EI in men’s male friendships: Men who had higher EI scores got the most help from their friends with health issues, with their romantic partners, their sex life, their children and their work. The survey suggests that having EI skills is of far greater importance for men today than we imagined.
In my book, Breaking the Male Code, I describe how men can incorporate the 4 core elements of emotional intimacy—connection, communication, commitment and conflict resolution—into their male friendships.
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Making Meaningful Connections
Men are often more comfortable talking about surface issues, work-related concerns, or informational matters instead of discussing more personal issues. Admitting how stressed out you are that your first child is leaving home for college, or that you lost it and cried last night when you carried your 5 year-old into the emergency room in excruciating pain with an ear infection, feels much more risky.
When men begin to share their private concerns with each other, however, feelings emerge, along with an accompanying sense of relief that they are now in the same boat together, no longer alone or outcasts. They can be part of each other’s crew.
Honing Your Communication Skills
If your friendship is important, shouldn’t your guy friend be getting your best efforts at sharing your feelings and listening to them with empathy? In our groups we encourage men to create an atmosphere of safety and respect in their relationships. We also help them identify and express their emotions with each other.
Men have a reputation, often deserved, for being poor listeners. A patient of mine, Will, recently described a conversation with his best friend, Jason, who was going through a painful divorce.
“His face was all red and he was raging about his wife, ‘She never worked a damn day in our marriage, and she wants all of our savings,’ Will told me.”
“What did you say? “ I asked
“I was quiet, and then said, ‘Wow, she hasn’t worked at all and she wants all the savings? You must feel in shock, angry, and exploited—all at once!’ Jason shook his head in agreement. Eventually he calmed down.”
That was great listening, I thought. It’s amazing how much your friends can feel cared for when you are listening with empathy.
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Practicing Everyday Loyalty
Loyalty is one of the most highly prized elements of friendship. Knowing that a friend will support you, will “have your back,” and vice-versa, no matter what the circumstances, elicits some of the strongest positive feelings in men.
Loyalty between men often conjures up images of bonding under duress, as in times of war or other hazardous situations. When it comes to friendship today, however, these kinds of heroics are not what guys expect or are looking for.
Your commitment to a friend is better demonstrated by staying in regular contact. Face-to-face meetings are best, but scheduled phone calls will work if you’re living far apart.
Regular contact increases the odds that important life experiences, which tend to arise unpredictably, will be shared and that you’ll be there to support (or celebrate with) each other when these occur. Some guys believe they can speak every five years and that nothing will be lost, but this is delusional.
Recently a patient reported to me, in shock, that he’d just learned that his best friend from high school had died from brain cancer, diagnosed a year ago. “How did I not know about this?” he asked, upset.
“When did you guys last talk?” I asked gently.
He was quiet, and then replied, “Three years ago.” He looked sad and added, “I guess we didn’t talk very often.”
Men sometimes worry that if they initiate a call without an “acceptable” reason (eg: to get information about or borrow something), that the other guy might feel that they’re being intrusive, needy, or even coming on to them.
I encourage men to make contact when they’re having a thought or feeling about their friend, when they simply want to talk, and say, “Hey, Alex, I was thinking about you. I wanted to check in and see how you’re doing and catch up with you. Do you have time to talk now?” Even if Alex can’t speak at that moment he’s usually delighted to get your call and will be willing to schedule a time when he’s free.
Learning Friendship First Aid
No close relationship is immune to conflict. Men, nonetheless often try to ignore the tensions and hurt feelings between them. Left unaddressed, these can fester, deepen, and ultimately put your most important male friendships at risk. “Male code” often encourages attitudes of defensiveness and denial in men, which interfere with the healing process.
It’s useful to promptly diagnose a friendship injury when it arises, and apply appropriate first aid. Most of these wounds are inadvertent, ranging from aggressive comments or behavior, to insensitivity, to neglect. Not returning your friend’s phone calls, or being routinely late, for example, sends a message of disrespect that can erode the relationship.
Whether you’re on the receiving end of the hurt or vice-versa, an apology, some sort of restitution, or demonstrating that the offending behavior won’t reoccur, goes a long way to healing a rift.
Unaddressed competition can sometimes be a problem for men. True, a vigorous game of one-on-one basketball can be energizing and fun. But competitive feelings can turn quickly, become nasty, and things can get out of control. When this happens, you and your friend may have to sit out the final points of the game or head out to cool off, go out for a cup of coffee, to restore positive feelings.
While friendship first aid can go a long way toward salvaging your friendships when they hit a speed bump, not all relationships can (or should) be saved. Lying, breaking important confidences, knowingly misleading a friend, especially for personal gain, or cheating with a partner all may cause irreparable damage. If any of these behaviors emerge, in you or a friend, try to call this to a halt immediately, in order to preserve what you both cherish in your relationship.
Following the above guidelines should give you a good start at strengthening your guy friendships. In doing so, you can strengthen a resource that powerfully benefits your health, your marriage and your family
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Photo: Getty
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Hi Rob, This is something my friends and I have been working through and thinking about over the past little while. Definately important and we have seen more and more of our friends agree. This brought us to start a podcast that explores this in more detail. I thought you might be interested in it. Take a look here: https://www.guisepodcast.com/
Thanks for writing this article.
“When you are on the receiving end of a hurt, an apology or some sort of restitution assuring that the offensive behavior will not recur…” Yes, you would think that is basic knowledge…but my husband has had to cut off ties to 2 old friends because of truly heinous behavior….(I was afraid for myself and for my son just being in the same room with these guys at their worst)….In fact, we just ran into one of them (awkwardly) at the local coffee shop this morning….I chose to ignore him and we just left….not every male-male bonding experience is always… Read more »
I seldom visit this site any more … now men need a guide on how to be friends with guys. I have several close male friends and feel bad that men these days need help with something as simple as male friendships. It’s bad enough that we’re shown how we are supposed to live outside some box, now we have to learn how to be friends with other guys. What a sad state men are in these days.
I suppose I have been lucky. I learned about friendship in a 12 step program and our very lives depend on honest, open, and intimate friendships. I think all men need to develop these skills. If we were taught this when we were young there might well be fewer of us that have to learn this as a matter of life and death in 12 step programs where many of us end up due to an inability to cope with the isolation that men often suffer from.