We all need some help heating things up in the bedroom (or with taking it out of the bedroom!!) from time to time. In this day and age, it’s natural to turn to our friend, Google. Do a quick search for what men want in bed and you’ll find a litany of articles with helpful lists of what men really want.
Here’s the thing about lists…they’re so general and men are not sexual robots who all desire the same thing. Everyone has different desires, turn-ons and turn-offs. The unfortunate reality is that for many couples, lists like these are often poor substitutes for what is really necessary in order to improve sexual satisfaction—communication.
If you want to know what your man wants in bed, you’re going to have to ask him. I have no way of knowing that. Stay tuned, though, because I do have some tips and tricks for finding out.
Here’s what I can tell you. If you’re focusing on lists, your body, your lingerie, or your sexual prowess, you’re heading in the wrong direction.
There’s one thing men really want when it comes to sex: They want you to be into it.
Men want women who are into them and what they’re doing with you. I learned this years ago from renowned sex therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, when she was speaking on her radio talk show. Men care less about any lumps or bumps you might have and more about whether or not you’re having a good time. Lingerie works for some but more than that, they want you to feel sexy in your own skin.
While some may not turn down a pity lay, many can tell when you’re just not into it and are only doing it to avoid an argument or saying no. Despite what we’re led to believe, their orgasms are not exactly proof positive that they got what they wanted.
What men really want is to know that the woman they’re with really wants them and wants to be having sex with them. For some women, that’s the hardest thing men could ask for. Between work, kids, and other responsibilities, having the time and energy for sex is a real challenge. Libido is a tricky thing and there are many obstacles women can face when trying to want it.
We can’t have this conversation without also addressing the issues of body image and body confidence. It can be hard for women to let go and really get into it when they believe they need the body of a Victoria’s Secret model and the prowess of a porn star.
It’s not an impossible, feat though. Here’s how you can be into it and mean it.
Make a commitment to loving sex
You have to decide that you’re willing to let go of inhibitions and doubts that are getting in the way of you being into it. You have to give yourself permission to want sex and to allow sex to be a priority in your life. Acknowledge your hang-ups and obstacles and make a commitment to addressing them.
Rule out medical issues
When men are willing to talk to their doctors about low libido, doctors perform tests and offer treatment to help them. Even in 2014, some women don’t get support or respect from medical professionals when they make mention of low desire. Doctors can blow it off if they buy into the stereotype that women just want less sex than men do. That’s a medical myth that needs to get busted but in the meantime, make sure you have a medical professional who’s willing to take your sex life seriously and offer treatment. Don’t accept no for an answer.
Clear out the cobwebs
If there are issues in your relationship that are getting in the way of you wanting sex with your partner, address them. It’s hard to be into someone when you’re resenting them.
Libido is not a switch that can get turned on and off. It’s complicated and it’s deserving of respect, awareness, and sensitivity. If you’re struggling with body image, self-esteem, or previous trauma, be into yourself enough to get help. Therapy works for some but there are many other ways to honor yourself and experience. You can consider acupuncture, spiritual work, reiki massage, exercise, or meditation practices.
Get in touch with your own sexual desires (pun intended)
Literally, if you don’t know your own sexual response, you’re out of touch. Get to know your body, what you like, what arouses you, what takes you over the edge. Allow yourself to fantasize. Think about things you haven’t tried but want to. If your guy is missing the mark and you’re not providing him with directions, you’re going to be less into it and him. Get to know what you like and learn ways of directing him.
What do you need to feel sexy? Maybe trying something just for you outside of the relationship will help your sexual confidence. Try a new workout or something else that will tune you into your body, conquer a fear or something that makes you feel excited and adventurous. You’ll bring that energy back with you into your relationship. Focus on what makes you feel sexy instead of trying to be what you think your partner wants.
If you can’t talk about sex, get creative
It’s not easy to talk about sex. Most keep hoping their partners will just develop mind-reading capabilities. I wouldn’t be a card carrying therapist if I didn’t remind you that learning to talk about sex is important for couples. Learning to ask out loud for what you want, how you want it, and how to ask your partner the same can be liberating and will ultimately lead to greater sexual satisfaction.
If you’re just not there yet, know you have some work to do, but have made a commitment to being into it, think outside the box.
- Consider making a game out of it. Write your desires on little pieces of paper and have your partner pick one. Then do the same in return.
- Write your partner a list of their greatest hits. List the memories of your best sexual times together
- Think of the hottest sex scene you’ve seen in a movie and watch it with your partner
- Find lists of sex tips online and circle the ones you agree with
- If you like toys and sexual aids, make a wish list for your partner on one of the adult sites
If you’re searching for what men really want in bed, you’re asking the wrong question. Ask yourself what you really want and be willing to go for it. At the end of the day, or night, that’s what men really want.