“I was supposed to politely tell you to please not have your daughter yell. I was supposed to offend you by not offending you…”
____
To the woman and child who sat at table 9,
I did not introduce myself to you. My name is Tony Posnanski. I have been a restaurant manager for fifteen years now. My day consists of making sure my restaurant runs well. That could mean washing dishes, cooking and sometimes even serving tables. I have also dealt with every guest complaint you can imagine.
A few weeks back, you came into my restaurant. I was very busy that night. I was running around helping the kitchen cook food. I was asked to talk to a table close to yours. I did and they said your child was being very loud. I heard some yelling while I was talking to that table. I heard a very loud beep from a young girl.
I started to walk to your table. You knew what I was going to ask. You saw the table I just spoke to pointing at you. I got to your table and you looked at me. You wanted the first word. You said…
“Do you know what it is like to have a child with Autism?”
♦◊♦
You were not rude when you asked the question. In fact, you were quite sincere. Your daughter could not have been more than five years old. She was beautiful and looked scared that I was at the table. She looked like she thought she was in trouble.
In fifteen years I do not have a lot of memorable moments as a restaurant manager. I remember some guests who were mad that their burger was not the way they wanted it. I remember a woman who called corporate on me because she said I gave her a regular Coke instead of a Diet Coke. I remember having to cut people off from drinking alcohol and I remember having to tell tables to have their child be quieter.
However, I do remember everything about the day my son was born. How I cried when I heard him cry. How I stood there and told him I would do anything for him and be the best father possible. I remember the day I married my wife. How I cried and promised to be the best husband possible. I remember the day my daughter was born. I did not cry that day. I was just so relieved because I lost a child two years earlier.
I know what I was supposed to say when I went to your table. I was supposed to politely tell you to please not have your daughter yell. I was supposed to offer to move you to another area. I was supposed to offend you by not offending you…
I did not do any of that.
♦◊♦
Instead I just told you I hoped your meal was awesome. I high fived your daughter and then I told you that your meal was on us tonight. It was only sixteen dollars. It meant more to me than that. I do not think the other guests I spoke to were happy about it. At that moment it did not matter to me.
I do not know how you reacted. I had to leave to go cook because the kitchen was not doing very good that night. When the server asked me why I bought the food I just said you did not enjoy your steak. I did not tell anyone what you said to me. I was thankful you did say it to me though.
You asked me a question that I did not answer. The truth is I do not know what it is like to have a child with Autism. I know what it is like to be a father. I know what it is like to be a husband. I know what it is like to not tell his wife how much he loves her enough. I know what it is like to want to spend more time with his children.
You asked me the question right away. You have been through this before in other restaurants. I did not want to be like other managers for one moment. I did not want to tell you what you always heard.
Honestly, I wrote this to you and your beautiful daughter because I wanted to thank you both.
You have given me a great restaurant memory. One that I needed for the last fifteen years.
You also taught me a valuable lesson…
Sometimes doing the right thing does not make everyone happy; just the people who need it the most.
Sincerely,
Tony Posnanski
♦◊♦
Originally Published: The Anti-Jared
Photo: iStock
♦◊♦
My parents raised an ADHD and Autistic child. If we couldn’t behave in public, we didn’t get to go out. It’s not fair to other people who are also paying for a pleasant experience to have it spoiled. Having a child of any type doesn’t entitle you to go wherever you want whenever you want.
Love this before both my girls were diagnosed we were regulars at a local place. And they did ask us to leave. We never went back.
Thank you for doing the right thing, the thing that should be the norm but isn’t.
<3
Some of you are clueless…clearly never been a real parent. Otherwise you would have sympathy. All children act out at least once in a while–despite the most genuine parenting efforts. I think parents of autistic children deserve to have at least a few moments of normalcy (going to a restaurant like everyone else). Just stop and imagine a life where people judge you and say (or at least look at you like) “you should have aborted that child”, or treat you like you did something wrong to make your child like that. Just think about how much you love your… Read more »
The world would be a better place if everyone would simply give each other a break once in awhile. Let’s be honest, how many times in your life were you in a situation that would have been made better if someone just smiled and said, “it’s ok, don’t worry about it.”
There are bigger problems to fret over. Be kind to each other.
Really? The sense of entitlement by parents is strong in these comments and the lack of consideration to others is lacking. Did the public force the parents to open their legs and have children? No. Did the public magically give some parents autistic children? No, it is sad autism even exists. Is there proof that this child is autistic and the mother was not lying? No. Is it right to force the problems of others onto innocent bystanders? No. Parents need to be held responsible for the actions of their children. Parents do not have the right to allow their… Read more »
I agree totally!!!!!! If your child cannot behave appropriately for whatever reason, then you need to choose places that are kid friendly or get a babysitter!!!!! Thank you so much for writing this… I totally agree… It’s sad the things some people have to deal with but that shouldn’t ruin my evening out….
Really??!! You people are clueless!
The more we single out people for any reason whatsoever, the more unequal the world becomes. Want equality, treat people equally and not single out just one person.
You’re an idiot.
I wish my autistic daughter would run her mouth in a restaurant. Perhaps then I wouldn’t worry as much about her, because she’s non verbal for the most part. My only hope is that by experiencing different places and things, like restaurants, and other places with strangers and friends, is that these things will help her to talk. I dream often of her talking to people we know, but I wake up and know the truth.:(
Shame on you Linda D. I have a son with special needs and he doesn’t make loud outbursts but its still difficult for ME to take him out. People are always staring at him and that is annoying to me. I have sat through many meals and have gone to many restaurants and stores where other kids are running around yelling and throwing things. Thats ok but I have to worry about my son offending others. I don’t have the support system to leave my child at home. And like others have mentioned he likes to go out and be… Read more »
I get it. No one knows about the couple who saved up for their meal out, or the older couple with cancer diagnosis. We can’t know everyone’s story. However, we live in a world with others with complicated sets of circumstances. There are no guarantees that when you go to whatever restaurant that you will have what you consider your perfect experience. You cannot reasonably expect to control all of the patrons. It’s a roll Of the dice when you dine out. If you want to guarantee the menu, and the behavior of everyone within 50 feet of your table,… Read more »
Great story. I love what he said at the end about making people happy
As an autistic ADHD adult who raised three autistic and ADHD children, I am aware of the issues the woman in the restaurant faced. However, I don’t think she is aware of the other patrons of the place. Does she know that the couple two booths away had to save for three months to afford a nice night out for their anniversary, only to have the romance ruined by her child? Does she know that the elderly man has cancer and he and his wife just wanted a last meal out before he becomes bedridden? Does she know that the… Read more »
I also have an autistic child… and if you think I’m going to keep my child locked up in my home as if she needs to be institutionalized- it’s just not happening. “To the commenters who think you train a child how to behave in public by forcing them on the rest of us – you are wrong.” – No, YOU are wrong. That is EXACTLY what you’re supposed to do. That’s why you put children with autism into early intervention services. The idea is to teach them how to socialize and interact correctly in society. Part of that is… Read more »
while I understand the desire to show examples of what other patrons may have been experiencing, and I agree that everyone has the right to enjoy a meal out, and that we all need to work together to get along in this world. I feel compelled to point a few facts that many of these posts have clearly ignored. Their entire meal was $16. No one saved up for a special night out at an establishment where two meals cost $16. There are people that would struggle to pay that much for a meal, in which case they wouldn’t. So… Read more »
If the couple had to save three months to go on an anniversary date I seriously doubt they would be dining somewhere where meals are so cheap.
Well said parents are responsible for their kids behaviour end of.
LindaD shame on you!!
I do not know what it is like to raise a child with autism, but I do know what it is like to raise five children (4 boys and a girl). We take them out to eat all the time, because my husband and I feel that they should be able to experience eating in a restaurant, and doing this also teaches them how to act properly when in a restaurant. For the most part they are well behaved, we often get compliments from other customers. My point being, I would not take them out on a Saturday night to… Read more »
Beautiful article and experience. Thanks for sharing.
a mother has to teach her children to behave in public, how can that be acomplished? by taking out the children!!! I could not believe my eyes reading linda¨s suggestion about keeping the child at home, I think she is either mean or just didn¨t think before writing. I dont mean to be offensive but I find american parents ( Iam Venezuelan) to be quite permisive with their children misbehavoir in public and no one dares to ask them to keep the children at home
I have 2 children my wife and I adopted. Due to their birth mothers doing drugs/drinking, they have issues especially in public. When we go out, we have to plan on what to do when our daughter starts to get antsy and starts acting out. My son is attached to strangers and has no fear of wanting to go home with them, so being a public place, we have to keep an eye on him. We do try to plan out what to do with them when they start to get out of hand, but it does get stressful. I… Read more »
As an autistic adult with noise sensitivity, I don’t appreciate this one tiny bit. I can’t go out to eat, shop, or anything else these days without being tortured by the sounds of children, most of which I guarantee have nothing wrong with them except terrible parenting. I hope I won’t be eating at your restaurant any time soon.
How sad that you don’t realise that just maybe that little girl was loud due to to sensory overload…
The irony, Mel5bells, is that Savannah “can’t” realize what that little girl was experiencing, because, as she wrote, she is also autistic. My 12 year old is what they term “high functioning autistic” and one of the hardest things to deal with is her almost total lack of empathy for others. Autistic children grow into autistic adults.
Not all autists struggle with empathy. Some are hyper-empathetic. It’s a false stereotype to say all autists “can’t” experience empathy. It’s simply not true.
This is simply just “THE BEST!” God bless YOU!” You made my day, with watery eyes, sir! Thank you for sharing! You are a man with a warm-warm and huge heart! PGoddard, FL.
I have been in a similar situation. I was AMIT. I didn’t think to comp the meal, but I did acknowledge and ignore the complaints. Then gave the complainers 10% off at the register. And gave the child special attention. Here’s your at-a-boy. !!! Well done !! I thank you and applaud you, you deserve it. Maybe you will be the person I pay for your meal just because. God bless 🙂
In response to LindsD’s comment earlier… I actually feel sorry for you… for your lack of empathy & your ignorance. My daughter has autism and severe learning disabilities… AND SHE HAS THE SAME RIGHT AS YOU & I to enjoy going out for a meal, or for that matter doing ANYTHING else you or I might like to do. It’s called equality!! And people with narrow minds who suggest our children be palmed off to sitters so YOU can enjoy your meal in peace… I find that discriminatory & downright offensive. Perhaps Linda, you ought to show a little of… Read more »
So, in defense of LindaD because I choose to treat her with the dignity and respect she deserves…I know this is an emotional topic, but “lacking empathy” and “crazy” are a strong judgment for someone just because she has different opinions and experiences. Besides, she brings up a genuine point about social etiquette and consideration of others ((both consideration for the mom and consideration for restaurant patrons.)). Sadly, this debate boils down to a battle of “who’s rights matter more.” The right of the autistic child and mother to enjoy a meal at a restaurant or the rights or someone… Read more »
I am nor suggesting for one moment that Linda doesn’t have the right to go out… but if Linda’s family was being noisy whilst I was in the restaurant, then I wouldn’t dream of expecting her to go home if she had a member of her family with a problem. All we ask, as parents of a child with disabiltiies, is for the same consideration as we would give to you? An autistic child does not ask for behavioural problems… and cannot control them. We as adults, without such problems, should however be able to control how we behave and… Read more »
If Linda’s family was being noisy you bet I would expect her to remove that family member with the problem. If you cannot control your kids in public, leave them at home. I don’t see why others who are out enjoying a meal without children or with children who behave themselves in public have to deal with others’ loud, misbehaving, poor-mannered children. It shouldn’t matter what kind of restaurant it is; you should respect the people around you and teach your children the same thing. It is fine to enjoy a meal out with your family, but only when your… Read more »
Anonymous you’re an idiot. Children with autism don’t understand they’re being loud or behaving badly. Try reading up on the illness before opening you mouth and inserting your foot.
It’s none of their damn business if the child is Autistic!
As an autism parent, I think it’s important to evaluate how bothersome a given behavior is to others, because everyone’s rights matter. Mine, my kids, and yours too. Now, I would hope that you, the other diners, would give my kids a little leeway, but I will apologize to you and/or leave if their behavior is off the charts. My boys rock, so if we are in a booth situation, I try to make sure there’s no one behind them. We are working on inside voices, so we frequent places where a little noise isn’t unusual. I know what my… Read more »
OMG, reading these comments makes me sick. All kids act up or are loud. What if this was you? Would you never leave the house? What if this woman has not family to help? This woman is doing the very best that she can and just like everyone else there she is trying to enjoy dinner with her beautiful girl! The point of the article is that we can’t walk in each others shoes because we don’t know what others are going through. Instead of judging stop and think. Just like the rest of us she is doing the best… Read more »
I get the point of this article, sure. But at the same time….isnt being aware of your child’s unique issues and planning ahead for them a big part of being a responsible parent? The mother has clearly done such a thing many times to have her response ready like that. So why not arrange a trustworthy family member or qualified caretaker scheduled to care for the child when she wants to out and eat at a restaurant? Everyone else in that restaurant actually had to pay for their meals, and yet they had a terrible experience because of her lack… Read more »
Do you even get the point of the article? Why shouldn’t a child also enjoy a meal with her parent? Childcare to go for a meal….oh please! Behave!
Well said Jane. I have just posted a response which is referring to your comment LindaD. I think your last sentence says it all perfectly…. Crazy.
As a mother with a severely autistic 5 year old son your comment has completely broken my heart..DO YOU KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO HAVE AN AUTISTIC CHILD? By your comment I’m guessing no. And it’s comments like yours that make me so sad for my child. Why bc he is autistic should I have to just keep him locked away in the house unable to enjoy a meal in public which HE LOVES because his inability to keep “quite” may offend paying customers.. Bc he is autistic he shouldn’t be able to do that right you have no idea… Read more »
Hello Linda, Your opinion like everyone else’s is valid. But there’s some things you should know. Most of us with autistic children have them in hours and hours of therapy on a daily basis to try to curb these behaviors people like you find offensive. We are not irresponsible, although I can’t speak for every individual. The major point of this piece is that the majority of the population really cannot fathom how unpredictable the behaviors of autistic children really are. They can change in a split second, and sometimes no amount of effort and preparation can prevent outbursts, meltdowns… Read more »
I am assuming that if the meal for mom and child was $16 we aren’t talking 5 star hoity toity restaurant, but regular family place. My children are not autistic. They are not ASD, ADHD or FAS. Where did we lose our compassion for people? Is enjoying you estimated $8 meal in peace and silence so important to you that you would judgementally ruin Simone else’s day? There is a difference between someone hanging on their phone and ignoring their kid running around creating havoc and someone sitting with their child who is making noise. I also read a story… Read more »
I agree with you, LindaD. Of course I have compassion for children with Autism, or any special needs. I grew up with a special needs sibling. However, parents of all kids – with or without Autism – should be aware of their child’s ability to act appropriately in a restaurant. Or perhaps select a restaurant that is more kid and/or noise friendly, i.e. Chuck E Cheese.
Appropriate? What is appropriate? Sitting down and shutting up? The way to learn is to experience. That is how children learn. Maybe YOU should choose a more appropriate restaurant. At 8 dollars a meal, it doesn’t sound like an adult restaurant to me. I take all four of my children with me everywhere I go, and sometimes they are really rotten. And when they are I correct them. Everyday they get a little better. I’m not worried about offending people like you, I’m worried about not raising the next generation of assholes. My children are not autistic but I do… Read more »
As the mother of twin boys with ASD, I’d like to say that the thing about autism is it is unpredictable. Autism parents work with our children constantly, but things will still come up. It is my belief that it is extremely important to teach my sons to be respectful of others. I will remove my boys from restaurants for poor behavior. That being said, I would do the same if they were neurotypical. My experience with my boys is honestly that my autistic 3 year olds generally behave better than neurotypical kids twice their age in public. However, that… Read more »
Shame on you. That is ridiculous. People (children included) learn from experience. The daughter needs to be able to have experiences to learn from so that she can have the most normal life possible. That is no reason that she can not take her daughter to a PUBLIC restaurant. It is not for only YOUR enjoyment but of all that are dining there. If you are so self centered to think that a loud child could ruin your meal you should take a long hard look at yourself and remember you co habitat this beautiful world with people from all… Read more »
Wow really? Possibly we should go back to keeping children in Asylyms locked away so they won’t bother people like LindaD. I am very sure the mother had a plan. I can guarantee she has a plan for every single moment of her life. From the value of the meal they were obviously in a family restaurant. I suspect LindaD has a lot if other things she has difficulty “tolerating”. Be very glad that it is not you dealing with the struggles and intolerance shown to someone you love more than life itself. Life takes many turns, its best not… Read more »
I agree with you. My daughter was ADHD and tho she behaved very well most of the time while we were at a restaurant, it was also my responsibility to make sure she wasn’t tired or not feeling like sitting in a restaurant. And that she had something to entertain herself to keep from getting bored. Because bored meant she wanted to be a pain in the neck. I know mothers aren’t supposed to admit that, but too bad. Simply saying your child has a problem and expecting everyone to put up with their behavior isn’t fair to everyone else… Read more »
Because LindaD she didn’t want a day away from her child. She wasn’t being a bad parent but like any parent even one with a mentally/physically healthy child has issues let alone a parent who is raising a child with issues. Your ignorance and inability to have compassion is frightening.
Autism runs in my family. For that reason, I am not having children. I know what it’s like to grow up with Autistic family members and teach Autistic kids. They can be a huge source of pride or one of misery and embarrassment, all in the same day, over and over.
I have 3 children diagnosed with ASD.
It’s been a ride. Isn’t that the way life is?
I love them so much and I’m so glad I have them. They have taught me so much!
I’ve learned a lot as well. I’ve learned that I could not handle being a parent. There is no greater gift I could give than not reproducing because there is no way I could care for a child with Autism in the way they deserve to be raised.
I love my job, but we cycle kids around so no one has the same child all day long or we’d all go nuts. =/ We still sometimes go a little nuts when someone is having a really bad day.
I feel the same way, Emily. I however, was called ignorant for not wanting to raise a child with a debilitating disease. Working paycheck-to-paycheck and then still having to wait to pay bills, I know I can’t afford it monetarily. Having to work as much as possible, I wouldn’t be there for them physically. The stress and heartache, I wouldn’t be able to be there for them emotionally. I have a 7 year old son and I had a 13 month old daughter pass away from cancer in 2013. Having another child scares me to death hoping it’s healthy. We’ll… Read more »
Oh Lisa I feel so honored to “meet” you via this forum. Surely if God blessed you with THREE of THE MOST special, unique and precious children He must recognize your very beautiful and rare talent for raising the MOST Amazing human beings. You were truly handpicked by God because you are a most faithful and capable servant. Your three children are so lucky to have you and the rest of us and this world is so blessed by the three children you brought forth! May God grant you all that you need to fulfill the awesome purpose and pleasure… Read more »
I have a child with ASD and i would NEVER consider him an embarrassment. If you feel that way then clearly your being raised was not a good one and made a negative impact but no child ever should been seen as an embarrassment! But probably best you dont have kids as clearly youd not make a good parent anyway…
Oh, yeah, and by the way, being loud? So freakin what? What does disruptive mean? It may be obnoxious, but in the end, it is not really hurting or harming you is it? You are in a space open to the public. Deal with it. The only thing I can come up with is that the people that talk this way are just intrinsically unhappy with their own lives and have an innate need to take it out on others.
Intolerance! For gosh sakes, we live in a society where the second you walk out the door, you are no longer in control of others around you. That is the price we pay for society. If you walk into a restaurant and there is something you don’t like, then LEAVE. This isn’t about autism, this is about stupid, ignorant and intolerant people. There are no signs in restaurants that say “loud kids will be kicked out”, and there is no implication of such. Like others have pointed out here, many times it is adults being loud. So freakin what? If… Read more »