A partner’s feelings of insecurity can lead to passive-aggressive behavior in the bedroom. Max Belkin offers a solution.
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The glass ceiling is cracking. Hard-working, ambitious women are finally getting the recognition and compensation they have long deserved. For most couples, women’s growing social standing and economic power have led to greater stability, prosperity, and happiness. And many men have been genuinely supportive and excited about their wives’ professional advancement. However, the woman’s success at work can sometimes inadvertently fuel the man’s insecurity and resentment, often leading to covert warfare in the bedroom.
Withholding Sex is a Powerful Weapon of Marital Strife
Many women and men withhold sex in order to feel more powerful and less vulnerable in their marriages. For example, meet Mel and Laura, a married couple in their mid-thirties, who turned to couples counseling to tackle their lack of emotional and physical intimacy. One year after the birth of their second child, Laura returned to work as a corporate attorney. While her intelligence, knowledge, and impressive work ethic eventually propelled Laura to the top of her law firm, Mel’s engineering career and earnings hit a plateau. During the same period, Mel became more critical of Laura and less interested in making love to her.
Mel finds himself in a double-bind of another sort. While he feels jealous of and emasculated by Laura’s success, he is too cool and proud to say it openly.
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When they first met, back in college, Mel was drawn to Laura’s intelligence and drive. In fact, it was Mel who encouraged Laura to go to law school. “I opened the Pandora box.” Mel jokes, sitting by his wife in my office. “At work, she is a bulldozer,” he continues. “At home, she is a super-Mom. And she makes twice as much as I do. I feel like her peon.”
Like many women of her generation, Laura believes that she can have it all: a happy family life and a successful career. After all, men have done it for centuries. The question is: What kind of marriage would make that dream come true?
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Our Gender Roles Stem From Our Upbringing
Both Mel and Laura grew up in traditional, patriarchal families in which the husband was the primary breadwinner and decision maker, with the wife playing a second fiddle. Mel’s and Laura’s understanding of their respective gender roles is still being shaped by that upbringing. For example, Laura has a deep yearning to feel taken care of by her man. Similarly, Mel’s self-esteem and masculinity are linked to his ability to provide for his family. However, in their version of the modern marriage, it is Laura who wears the pants and the skirt: most household chores and financial decisions end up on her plate.
Mel finds himself in a double-bind of another sort. While he feels jealous of and emasculated by Laura’s success, he is too cool and proud to say it openly. So, unbeknownst to both of them, Mel’s insecurity and resentment seep into their erotic life.
Mel interprets Laura’s requests for intimacy as her bossing him around. For Mel, because Laura is the boss in most areas of their marriage, taking care of her sexually feels like submission and surrender. Thus, what Laura views as his selfish behavior has a ring of rebellion for Mel.
He also started to ask himself whether his sexual rejection of Laura might have something to do with his need to preserve his autonomy
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By withholding sex, Mel is passing on to Laura his anxiety and resentment. In fact, it is now Laura who is feeling insecure and frustrated. “Mel, it seems that you might sometimes feel that by refusing Laura’s sexual advances you are asserting your independence, while at the same time knocking Laura a notch down”, I say in one of our sessions. “Yeah, kind of,” mumbles Mel. Laura looks surprised, angry, and hurt.
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Unfortunately, Mel’s and Laura’s predicament is quite common these days. I know many men who are too ashamed to acknowledge their insecurities and resentment of their wives’ accomplishments even to themselves, let alone to their wives. Yet, consciously or not, these men often end up acting on these feelings in the bedroom by denying their partners sexual intimacy and romantic validation. This “erotic sabotage” runs a gamut from low sexual desire, to premature ejaculation, to infidelity.
They have realized that neither of them feels emotionally safe or secure in their relationship.
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This secret revenge is quite effective; it makes women feel insecure, unwanted, and frustrated. Plus, it acts as a cover up for men’s low self-esteem and vulnerability. And guys usually get away with it. Unfortunately, it is also toxic for the relationship.
Like other similar couples, Mel and Laura are stuck in a vicious cycle of pursuit and withdrawal. Laura’s success feeds into Mel’s insecurities and fuels his resentment. The more Laura pursues him sexually, the more Mel withdraws from her. Dissatisfied and frustrated, Laura takes jabs at Mel’s masculinity and pours her energy into her work and children. As both of them feel helpless to break this cycle, misery and hopelessness set in.
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In couple’s therapy, Mel and Laura focus on acknowledging and verbalizing the emotional needs and desires that are responsible for their power struggles. They have realized that neither of them feels emotionally safe or secure in their relationship. For instance, Laura started to share with Mel how hurt and rejected she feels every time he refuses to make love. She also began connecting her frustration with her deeply rooted expectation that as a woman she needs to feel taken care by her man (emotionally as well as sexually).
Similarly, Mel disclosed to Laura his shame about his perceived failure to provide for his family, his fear of not being “good enough” as a man and as a husband. He also started to ask himself whether his sexual rejection of Laura might have something to do with his need to preserve his autonomy and his resentment of Laura’s having an upper hand in their marriage.
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In my role of their marriage counselor, I encourage Mel and Laura to describe to each other their loneliness and their longing for connection. I also guide them in giving voice to their hurt and anger. My goal is to help them become more attuned and responsive to each other’s emotional needs. At the same time, I would like Mel to come clean about “erotic sabotage” of his wife.
Gradually, Mel and Laura are becoming more emotionally available to each other. As a result, their relationship is growing more collaborative and compassionate, less adversarial. They even started to make love again.
We Talk Relationships 24/7 on the GMP Relationships Page.
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Photo: Laura Betancourt/Flickr
Originally Published: Psychology Today
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Hi Max, I finally got round to reading this article – very nice. It describes one of many ways things that can go wrong in a relationship I would imagine. I guess there are identical situations where the couples react in other ways eg aggression, infidelity… rather than passive-aggressive? But then there are lots of things that can cause problems in a relationship, not just power imbalance? Is the main take home message the need to develop a range of conscious tools for solving problems rather than using the knee jerk reactions?
“Mel feels rejected and emasculated by her success…” Yup yup…sounds familiar…my BFF was initially in a marriage with a seemingly supportive spouse….as she earned her PhD and climbed the ladder in the administration at the local college, her husband became more distant….they had a baby (and grandma to help out at home)…but her husband spent more and more time playing guitar in his rock band until he basically was never home anymore… He couldn’t say it but her career success and power definitely was a factor in his disappearance from the family…(plus he turns out to be mentally ill: bipolar,… Read more »
I do not like this article and I question the this analyses of the couples problems.
Bring in another psychologist that see things from another angel and we would a totally different analyses,
No ,this is fruitful.
typo
this is not fruitful, and the understanding comes from the head of the psychologist and not from the persons themselves. This is how he, the psychologist understands what is going on , and it may in fact be totally wrong,
In fact, the understanding of the problems described in this article was developed by three people: Mel, Laura, and their marriage counselor. Of course, you should feel free to disagree with our analysis and come up with your own.
Hi Max The proof of the pudding is in the eating. If the couple now many years later are emotionally close and have a healthy sexlife then this approch work for them. I hope you will write more here on GMP about why desire dies for some persons in committed long time relationships,be it be marriage or living together. I am upset each time I see how men in what is described as sex less marriage (sex less than 10 times a year) talk about this issue. And frankly I hate the expression “withholding sex”. Maybe you have never lost… Read more »
Hi, Silke –
Here is my article on the death of erotic desire in romantic relationships:
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/hlg-why-some-happily-married-people-cheat/
Hi Max
Thank you!
This is an interesting article and I am sorry it did not generate a good debate.
It may be wrong indeed, but I do not see how at a glance. Do you suspect that psychologists’ analyses are generally mostly wrong or do you have a notion of an explanation that looks more convincing to you? In that case, what is it? I am interested.
No I do not think psychologists analyses is mostly wrong.
In North of Finland they have eradicated schziofrenia and that without use of medication.
I felt unwell when I read this article, the way Max talk about this issue.
But I am now on Chrome book and do not know how to copy and paste . soon auto refresh will remove all I write here on GNP
That’s rather unlikely. More likely they just stopped using the diagnosis because the diagnosis itself causes a set of problems. But, the underlying neuro-physiology that leads to schizophrenia is still there.
Schizophrenia isn’t generally curable, some people can be treated so that they don’t require medication to function in society, but a cure isn’t something that’s presently possible.
That being said, I have little respect for the field as there’s a tendency to ignore the work being done by behavioral-neurologists and the like that is actually able to reach people that weren’t reachable previously.
HI Frank Yes I agree that diagnoses in itself causes problems, I did not write that they cured persons with schizofreni. It looks to me that they prevent it from developing in the first place., And that should give us a hint about how good all the theories were in the first place……. Maybe they use other diagnoses ,and call it psychoses .I am not qualified to say,but what happens in north Finland is great and makes me and many other happy! And the big pharma companies cries I am sure because they rather see people on drugs for a… Read more »
@ Theorema Egregium I think it’s the tone and I got the feeling too when I read the article. The author seems to have made up his mind that the fault lies with Mel and only Mel. ““At work, she is a bulldozer,” he continues. “At home, she is a super-Mom. And she makes twice as much as I do. I feel like her peon.” The author doesn’t ask why he feels like a peon. He seizes upon “she makes twice as much as I do” and suggests “Mel, it seems that you might sometimes feel that by refusing Laura’s… Read more »
Just when we’ve been lectured that there is no such thing as “withholding” sex in a relationship, and expecting your partner to turn up every time you are in the mood is nothing but a deep seated sense of entitlement. But now we learn that not only is withholding sex a real thing, it is also a powerful weapon based on feelings of jealousy, insecurity and resentment.
Oddly how the shoe seems to suddenly be on the other foot, after a reversal of scenery, huh?
We need to change the culture where the men are look as the breadwinners considering the fact that the Republican Party is extolling family values but do everything to prevent men from earn a decent wage.
Too many women keep expecting their men to achieve so much but then are unhappy when their men are either satisfied with their life or can’t achieve their objects when the deck is stacked against them in the first place.
I agree with you.
So how do you envision a sustainable solution to the situation described? How can Laura’s becoming “attuned and responsive to [Mel’s] emotional needs” remedy anything? Being attuned and responsive will not change the fact that she is the provider and the ruler of the household. In other words, it cannot make the source of Mel’s discomfort go away. Is the only way for Mel to ultimately swallow down his pain and stop thinking (or at least talking) about it and placidly become the peon he dreaded to be? Or do you also prescribe a more practical side to your solution,… Read more »
The obvious solution being Mel stepping up and taking more control of at least some of the household stuff. It isn’t a perfect solution but maybe its a partial one and maybe its enough.
Yes, that’s the obvious solution, that’s why I wanted to see if the author recommended that. I think it’s a good solution too, because making a house as great as possible can be a very satisfying and responsible project too.
@ Theorema Egregium “it is Laura who wears the pants and the skirt: most household chores and financial decisions end up on her plate.” That might be part of it, but it seems that she also doesn’t ask for his input when making financial decisions. It’s could be like she’s saying I earned it. It’s my money instead of thinking of it as our money. One thing that might help is he could make a financial contribution to the family and recognize it as such. I had a discussion with someone about the financial contribution house wives made in the… Read more »
You are right: both partners are contributing to the current power struggle, both partners need to make some changes. For example, Laura expects Mel to take care of the children and the household chores her way and looks down on him if he does not. So she needs to let Mel do things his way and acknowledge his competence and his contributions as a parent and as a partner. At the same time, Mel’s challenge is to take more responsibility, to be more proactive, and take better care of his wife and children.
I knew there was something missing and I kind of suspected that something like that was happening. When all problems are attributed to one partner in a relationship I would think should be pretty strong, it raises a red flag. Like the saying goes, there are three sides to every story.l his side, her side, and the truth.