An Armenian woman abandoned her child with Down Syndrome. Why are we so sure she had a choice?
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By now the story of baby Leo and his father, Samuel Forrest, has circulated through a billion newsfeeds. But here’s a quick summary for context:
Samuel sat in the waiting room of an Armenian hospital while his wife gave birth to their first child.
A son.
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Samuel Forrest is from New Zealand, where things more or less run as they would in America, but his wife is from Armenia, a country that responds to children born with special needs very differently.
It’s unclear whether Samuel knew it was acceptable, and maybe even commonplace, for parents to reject a child born with disabilities such as Down Syndrome. But it didn’t matter; it never crossed his mind to do so.
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The truth is, this happens all the time. Parents change their minds about being parents.
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What’s gotten the world so enraged is that his wife didn’t have the same opinion, and she went as far as to tell him that if he accepted little Leo, she’d divorce him. Samuel didn’t hesitate. Leo was his son and there would be no abandonment.
A week later, Ruzan Badalyan filed for divorce. Samuel’s account is that they never even had a private conversation about it. He tells us they never even talked in private about whether she was going to abandon her son. She just left.
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A year ago this week, I was sitting with my wife in the hallway of the Pediatric ICU when we learned there was nothing more they could do for our nine month old little girl. We’d lost her.
With that experience, I look at this story with a heavy heart. I can’t imagine walking away from a helpless human that I helped create. My child. There seems to me no greater betrayal.
The question everyone wants answered is: How could a mother abandon her child with Down Syndrome?
The truth is, this happens all the time. Parents change their minds about being parents.
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I adopted my son in November. He was my stepson prior to then and his birth father was basically non-existent. He walked out on my wife when my son was eight months old and has maybe seen him a dozen times since.
As a father who has adopted a son and lost a daughter, I could never picture myself giving up my child for adoption. But I’ve also never been in the position to where I’ve had a child I didn’t think I could care for.
When you read stories about parent’s that have given their children up to adoption that is often the narrative. “I didn’t think I could care for my child in the manner he or she deserved.”
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If you think about it in that context it sheds a different light on Baby Leo’s story. Then, if you read Ruzan’s side of the story, it makes you wonder what deeper issues we’re dealing with here.
Those who’ve heard about the story have set fire to Ruzan as if she’s a witch and should be burned at the stake, but read her perspective on her perceived future of baby Leo:
Her statement as presented in an article on Daily Mail:
21 January was the happiest day for me, as I finally gave birth to my long-awaited son. Our son was born at 6:30 in the morning and I remember the alarmed faces around and doctors worried looks. I woke hours after anesthesia.
My first question was about the whereabouts of my child. I remember the sad faces of my relatives and the doctors diagnosis that sounded like a verdict: ‘Your child was born with a Down Syndrome.’ One can never imagine the feelings at that moment.
Hardly had I recovered from the first shock, when the doctor approached me and told me the voice my decision whether I was going to keep Leo or not. I had to make the most ruthless decision in my life within several hours.
The first thing that came to my mind after the diagnosis was that I don’t want my child to live in a country where certain stereotypes dominate the lives of people with DS and no opportunities at all.
Ruzan apparently knew that if Samuel accepted baby Leo, he would take him back to New Zealand. And she felt that would be better for her child.
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Look at how we judged this woman who only did what her country raised her to do.
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After reading her statement, it’s hard to decide what’s more heartbreaking, a mother giving up her child with Down Syndrome or her understanding that the only way the child can be able to live a life without ridicule is to do so.
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There’s no doubt in my mind I could figure out a way to leave my home country if that’s what I thought was needed for my child to have the best life possible, but the question in my mind is: Why should she have to?
Look at how we judged this woman who only did what her country raised her to do.
When I first read the story, I felt my heart start pumping and an anger for the mother that scared me. I didn’t understand it. And that’s where most people stop. They embrace the anger and refuse to seek any further information.
Given the information I know now about Armenia, I agree that baby Leo would have an infinitely better life in New Zealand, but there are two questions I still can’t figure out:
- Why doesn’t Ruzan just go with Samuel and Leo to New Zealand? Use Samuel’s Go Fund Me to bring them both home to New Zealand.
- Why is it 2015 and there is a developed country that can’t treat a citizen with a disability like every other citizen?
At the time of publication, Samuel Forrest has raised nearly a half million dollars to help him and baby Leo get back to New Zealand thanks to over 17,000 people across the world.
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This is not just a story about one family.
Sometimes in order for us to understand something, we have to take ourselves out of the equation: If your child was born into a society where they would be ridiculed and stripped of all civil liberty, what would you do? Join us in the Comments section.
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Photo: Katie Tegtmeyer/Flickr
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