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It’s easy at the start of the relationship. It’s commonly referred to as The Honeymoon Period. It’s when we are still trying to sell our product, our person. We go far above and beyond our normal behavior to prove to her that we are special and worthy of her sought after love. We try harder, so very much harder. We want to seal the deal, to convince them that we are the bee’s knees. Her idiosyncrasies and strange quirks are usually cute and funny for us. We are enchanted.
This stage is transient. The flood of hormones and our drive toward bonding loosen enough for cracks to get into the fortress. Over the years, the freshness can fade and the relationship can lose appeal and excitement. We begin to face that which we don’t like, that which may remind us of our mother perhaps, or of ourselves.
I’m going to let you in on a secret. If you think that “happily ever after” is a perpetual and immobile state of affairs where the very act of feeling love for another human being is actually enough to get you through the tough patches, then you are in for a painful wake-up call. It took my wife leaving me, halfway through the pregnancy of our baby daughter, for me to really get the message loud and clear that I needed to be significantly more engaged in a conscious and compassionate way. I hit bottom. Correction: I crashed and burned spectacularly. I had lost touch with why we were together and what we wanted from one another. More specifically, I had failed to communicate and pay attention to my and her essential needs and desires. I wasn’t the man that I wanted to be in our relationship, and neither of us felt the way that we wanted to feel.
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I got to work studying myself and my wife. Profoundly. I did so with as little pride and self-absorbed point of views as I could. I did a lot of therapy and spent much time in silence. I even wrote a book about it all. I came to some amazing realizations and found an abundance of answers. But you know what? Even that wasn’t enough. I recently recorded the audio version of this same book, and I found myself comparing where I was then (when I wrote it) and where I am now. It was simultaneously reassuring and sobering. I could see with specificity where I was doing well and where I have dropped the ball yet again.
Here is what I have learned:
If you want to keep her, and not just have her stay but have her happy, then you better be willing to make it obvious to her, and frequently so. Your woman wants to feel desired. On a fairly regular basis. She wants to feel sexy. And don’t fake it, because that will push you even further away from where you want to be. Find the parts of her that you adore, and ADORE THEM! Show affection, hold her hand, rub her shoulders, kiss her all over, and smile more than you do presently. Engage her. Let it be evident that you want her, and you love her, and that she means a lot to you. And if you are distant from that part of yourself, the one where such things flow outwardly in a natural way, then reconnect, and do it now. Life is short. Do the corresponding inner work and show the results. Don’t shoot for perfection with this, instead make it visible that you are doing more and that your sights are forward-looking. The key is sustainability. Just push against the limits of your daily interaction, seek more. Train yourself to want a dynamic relationship that feels better and livelier.
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Listen to her. When she talks about things that aren’t as fascinating to you, try to explore why they mean so much to her. Make an investment here. This person in front of you has committed themselves to standing beside you through the good and the bad. Surely it hasn’t been all peaches and cream with you. I’m certain that you have your prickly side that isn’t particularly fun to be with. And don’t just listen passively, instead show active presence. By that, I mean be there with your awareness. Give her the honor of your eye contact and have your body face her while she speaks. When she feels bad, listen even more. Receive her pain and suffering. I’m not asking you to self-sacrifice, but I am asking you to change what you are doing right now, and it will require effort.
Love is a verb. It is active and requiring of CONSTANT effort on your part. I believe that ultimately you are either moving forward or you are in a state of decay. Love is an intricate process of evolution, wherein our partners mirror everything to us about ourselves, the ugly and the sacred included. She is your best vehicle for becoming a better man if you are willing to bring in some vulnerability and humility. The person next to you, the one crazy enough to have jumped off a cliff with you into the void of uncertainty, is the one who can teach you the most about yourself. They have a 24/7 view of all your habits and shortcomings. They smell you when you are sweaty. They hear you when you are cranky. They take care of you when you are sick. They have seen so much of you that you would be wise to listen to them when they speak of who you are and how you act.
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She wants to feel valued. Remind her, and you, why you love her. She wants to see the divine spark that you find in her eyes, reflected back at her through your loving gaze. You’re it, Romeo. Your job here is to win her over, day after day. She doesn’t need to be with you. A healthy relationship involves two individuals who are strong on their own but decide to share a life path. She chooses you. And vice versa. Act like it. Let your actions be loud and clear. Don’t be subtle. Woo her. Dance for her. Give her a massage when she’s had a tough day at work. Oh, and it will come back to you, manifold. This is a cheat sheet to return your relationship to a state of aliveness.
Many marriages lose their spark as the years, and routine wear down their glimmer. People fall into monotonous paths that lead to stagnation. They usually wait too long and become too frustrated to be able to get back on track without a major, concerted push toward healing and communion with their partner. Often, the bitterness and resentment have grown dangerously big by then. The truth is that we tend to take advantage of one another. We take each other for granted. We assume that life will give us another day, another chance, another moment to fix it up and get back to where we want to be. But that’s a terribly arrogant assumption. Don’t wait too long to let her know that she’s a supernova in your universe. Even if things are great between you, do it anyways. There are few things in this life that are more rewarding than lighting up someone’s face with joy and appreciation. Turn on her light and make her burn brightly with your love. And check in regularly with yourself and with her. Make lists of what you need from each other. Have talks about how you feel and what you want. Show up in your relationship. Bet everything on it and behave accordingly.
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PHOTO: Getty Images
Michael, this is all so true. I think every couple can relate to this message and it is for women too, to treat their significant others with the adoration that they themselves want to receive. You have to adore, listen and value each other, and it has to be a two way street. You can never stop developing yourself, as well as yourself in a relationship. Thank you for your honest insight.