The holidays are fast approaching, and your Christmas list is getting bigger than ever. As millions of parents deal with inflation, we all are doing are very best to make the holidays magical for everyone. However, we often forget to give homage to the job creators that keep minimum wage so low. Without their struggle, we wouldn’t have any struggle at all.
But what do you buy the people who already own you? Well, this year I have a few ideas.
- Their very own social media platform. There’s nothing that says I’m thinking about you like a social media platform that you own. Easy to use to overthrow democracy or cyberbully a 12-year-old girl because you misspelled your rival’s name, a social media platform will provide hours of enjoyment for the billionaires not in your life. Let them run it into the ground while firing thousands of people right before the holidays. And with your own social media platform, you can paint all those people as lazy as they turn to collecting cans to make Christmas happen for their peasant families.
- Private for-profit hospitals. Why should that special interest in your life profit from other’s healthcare misfortunate? Well, because that’s why. It’s best that you don’t think about it very much and just accept it. The point is that every time a child gets treatment, a billionaire can get his wings that he clipped off an endangered bird. Those things are cheap and it’s good to have a revenue stream that will never go away.
- A personalized PPP loan. Remember those that were worth millions got a forgivable loan, and then got mad when student got a 10K discount? That’s what we call the good old days. And by the way, is it a loan if you never have to pay it back? Well, as Santa says, that depends entirely on who takes out the loan. If you’re rich enough to own a genetically engineered pet, their never was a loan. But if you’re working overtime at a job you hate, then you are a deadbeat lazy bum who took advantage of the system. It’s a loan.
- A charitable contribution in their name. Billionaires are very busy people. It takes a lot of work to overthrow a government that didn’t give you the deal you needed on their diamond mines. Make their world a little bit brighter and donate to a lobbying group of their choice. Oil, mining, pharmaceuticals—the choices are endless. And with each donation, a 10% hike in insulin will be made in your billionaire’s name.
- Who doesn’t want a nuclear bomb? I mean, it really is the perfect gift to someone that hates to be compared to a Superman level villain. And yet, this isn’t even a joke.
- “I drink your milkshake” decorative wall hanging. Who doesn’t remember that classic holiday film There Will be Blood? It’s about the making of a oil tycoon that works hard to steal the wealth of others. It’s like A Christmas Carol but without the moral lesson. So basically, Scrooge kills Tiny Tim, and everyone goes home happy.
- Customizable Jenga. No reason, it’s just that Jenga is a fun game, and when you’re done you can beat people over the head with the blocks.
There are a lot of gifts for billionaires this year. From black market kidneys to their very own U.S. Senator, the possibilities are endless. So as you ask why the hell your grocery bill is 20% higher this year, just remember to put aside a little something for those that got a huge tax cut during the pandemic.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock