—
Can’t Stop
You are addicted. No question, no doubt. You may not have syringes or pills or bags stashed about, or brewskis filling the refrigerator, but you are addicted. And you’re probably in denial. Right now your mind is very likely saying “No I’m not addicted!!”
Or maybe…..your mind is saying “Oh crap, I’m caught!!”
The good news: Just about all the men you know or hear about are also using. I’m saying nine out of ten men are addicted. Are you in the ten percent? Still denying?
OK, I’ll give you a break, you’ve been naive, like a baby who doesn’t know what a toilet is, yet. You’re still learning how to undo your addictive habit.
Automatic feeling…..the addictive pattern
There are some feelings men experience which seem beyond our control. They happen quickly, sometimes instantly. These feelings are bad for you and your family because they turn into conflict. They’re bad because they take away the compassionate man you are and replace him with a scared little boy who’s angry, afraid, withdrawn.
How do I know you are addicted?
OK, here’s a clue. Your feelings have been chosen for you by the ego of society. Right now you can experience what you’ve learned to feel. What are you feeling about the statement that you are an addict? Pay attention for a moment. Become aware of your thinking and feeling rather than the accusation in this article. Try not to disprove the claim. Just notice the emotion in your body.
As you bring attention to this moment, your body, find a word that accurately captures your emotional response to the claim that you’re an addict.
Probably your word is something like offended, irritated, insulted…some word indicating that you are under attack and need to defend yourself. This is the presence of your addiction. The emotion and the thought are an addictive pattern you’ve learned without knowing.
Can’t stop.
You are addicted to negative thinking that was taught to you without your consent.
Even your emotional response to that statement is proof. Like most of us men you have been denied use of your full range of emotions. Society’s ego has taught your ego, with shame and aggression, that to feel vulnerable is not masculine.
This has happened through countless, now forgotten incidents, where you were shamed for being weak, soft, sissy, a girl, a baby, a crybaby, a pussy, afraid, nerd, weird.
Your feelings have been chosen for you by the ego of society.
|
Predictably, you developed a shutdown/fight/or run response to protect yourself. That’s what we do when we experience trauma. Shut down, run or fight when we are attacked. Notice that you haven’t been attacked. Your mental/emotional response to ‘addiction’ is a response to having a weakness, a flaw, an unpredictable aspect of your being. Little boys, who don’t toughen up get eaten, right? Well not if their dads are really there with them doing what they are made to do.
Don’t Stop Being Present.
Children, all children including yours, are Nature’s plan to keep us connected to life. They’re little, helpless, part of us that has gotten loose in the world.
Dads all know the world is a dangerous place if you don’t know what to avoid and what to use. Infants, babies don’t know nuthin’. They are totally naïve until they have enough experience to develop intelligent responses. “Intelligent” here means life-promoting.
Dads are here to teach children how to live. That’s your job. So, are you doing that job? Are you doing it well?
Not if you are so caught up in your thinking that you have forgotten to take care of your child’s need for emotional connection.
Situational addictive thinking… when have you forgotten to take care of your child’s need for emotional connection? How many times have you been caught up in ego polishing when humble caring for your child was more appropriate?
Any man can be so caught up in his thinking that he ignores his child’s physical or emotional welfare. This is because by design we all are capable of powerful emotional thoughts. The growth of our children and our families depends upon us making wise choices about what’s happening in the present moment.
With a focus on the past, the present slips to the side. A man ‘thinking’ about/reliving an argument with his wife will be drawn, to some degree, away from tending to his child. Perhaps dad is sitting right next to his child who is talking about something very important, but dad is ‘not there’.
Maybe dad was in such emotional pain he fell asleep or started drinking or watching tv to escape. Here we see the core of addictive thinking: awareness of the past, the painful past, rather than the present moment where the body is, where the child is.
Children are one more of nature’s beautiful gifts. These gifts are here for our enjoyment. Learning to think we have all developed the ability to focus our mind on thoughts about the painful past. A little bit of this awareness—enough to avoid physical danger—is ok.
Addiction is the mistaken assumption that the pain is permanent. The ongoing effort to make it disappear is, of course, what feeds it and keeps it alive.
Giving attention to the present with gratitude is the end of addiction. Your children are here to bring you beauty. They offer the opportunity to let go of painful thinking and be comfort and joy for your child. You both deserve and are nourished by that choice.
—
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project, please join like-minded individuals in The Good Men Project Premium Community.
◊♦◊
◊♦◊
Get the best stories from The Good Men Project delivered straight to your inbox, here.
◊♦◊
◊♦◊
Sign up for our Writing Prompts email to receive writing inspiration in your inbox twice per week.
♦◊♦
We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.
The Good Men Project is an Amazon.com affiliate. If you shop via THIS LINK, we will get a small commission and you will be supporting our Mission while still getting the quality products you would have purchased, anyway! Thank you for your continued support!
◊♦◊
—
Photo credit: Getty Images