I love my husband. After almost 34 years of marriage and 35 years together that shouldn’t be a surprise. But I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes as I allow my fear over his having the coronavirus for almost two weeks slide down my cheeks. Last night, his fever was over 104 degrees. Today, he seems to be on the mend. Sometimes you aren’t aware of how important something is until there’s a chance you’ll lose it.
I haven’t slept well the last two nights. My husband is pretty healthy and has no underlying health conditions, so he isn’t the most at risk for either complications or death. But he also is never sick. I didn’t realize how afraid I’ve been of losing him, low risk or no. To think he may have turned a corner allows me to feel what I’ve been terrified of acknowledging. Hearing his coughing fits in the night and not being able to touch him or even go into his room has been horrible.
It’s so easy to fall into complacency as the years go by. Even for someone who clearly recognizes the risk of doing so. I never thought I didn’t love my husband. I just had forgotten how much. In some weird way, I was attuned to his worsening state even though he didn’t share how high his fever was. My poor sleep was the result. Great for our marriage but not for my fight to steer clear of getting sick.
We’ve been participating in an infectious disease study as we’ve been quarantined. The only physical contact either of us have had with other human beings since this started. It doesn’t matter that they’ve been masked and gowned. They’ve been here and they care, as so many of the professionals dealing with this crisis do. They provided some positive information today about his condition, hence my tears.
I was joking with my husband while they were here that he was going to owe me a big trip somewhere for the inconvenience of being in quarantine. It’s one of the ways I deal with stress. Staying out of my emotions during times of uncertainty is the way I roll. It was hard to do when I had to ask him how to make our usual Saturday martinis. Another sign he was on the mend. He commented on how much I would miss him when he’s gone. He has no idea and one I am nowhere near ready to face.
I’ve had great support from family, friends, and clients during this and it’s impossible to express my gratitude and love. Having so many offers of help and demonstrations of concern both humbles me and reminds me how connected we all are. But mostly, it brings my love for my husband front and center—where it should always be.
(And, yes, I have enough toilet paper.)
Concerned about being in close quarters with your spouse for an extended period? Grab your copy of How to Stop Fighting Now (Yes, Really) today. Or schedule a free 15-minute laser coaching session on how to manage staying in place.
This post was previously published on The Hero Husband Project and is republished here with permission from the author.
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