Women’s jaws would drop if they could listen in on my conversations with married men.
Our discussions contradict just about every misconception wives utter about their husbands.
Husbands don’t want to hurt. They don’t want to argue. They don’t want to control.
And they definitely don’t “just want sex”.
These guys are desperate for her to know the truth. And they shed tears at the thought that their wife may never WANT to know the truth.
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The Power in Her Pinky
The truth for these men lies in the end of her pinky finger.
In that finger is packed an unspeakable power many wives choose to ignore or have yet to discover.
When a woman calmly grazes the end of her pinky finger across any exposed skin on a man’s body and offers a verbal or non-verbal vote of confidence or support, his world changes at that instant.
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It’s so simple and so tender that men are afraid to even ask for it. We barely talk about it with each other! We don’t want to appear soft. We don’t want to risk a woman’s reaction to our weakness.
What is it?
It is the power of a delicate, skin-to-skin touch of feminine acceptance and approval.
When a woman calmly grazes the end of her pinky finger across any part of a man’s body and offers a verbal or non-verbal vote of confidence or support, his world changes at that instant.
It is so powerful we are often left speechless. Our throats and tear ducts begin to swell and we quietly indulge in the comforting reassurance of the moment. If we could package the word “love”, it would feel like this when the bottle was opened.
Our “well-being meter” pegs out and our heart rate and breathing slows.
Every husband I know is dying to feel this. Simple, easy-peasy feminine acceptance and approval.
Nothing else. Just…this.
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A World of Men Speak About Pinky Power
These are real examples of how men across the globe describe it. In every case I can hear their clenched voice of vulnerability trying to sound “strong” as they speak. Just for fun, try to imagine their accents as you read these.
Oklahoma
“She reached over during the movie and put her hand on my knee and looked at me and smiled and said ‘I’m happy you brought us here, thank you.’ ”
Alberta
“She slapped me on the butt and giggled and called me ‘stud’ “
UK
“She scratched the top of my head for about two minutes and didn’t say anything. It was awesome.”
Turkey
“She touched my elbow and whispered, ‘You’re such a good father and a sweet man, I love that about you.’ “
Jordan
“When I told her about my idea for a better vacation spot she grabbed my arm and said, ‘I f#cking love you!’ “
New Zealand
“She just reached across the car seat and scratched the back of my head softly as I drove. It’s intoxicating.”
Colorado
“She spooned her cold butt into me and said, ‘Oh baby you’re always so warm’ “ (okay, that one was mine)
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Why Men Can’t Tell Women about Pinky Power
It’s simple. We think women will think it’s silly.
It’s not “manly”. Too vulnerable.
The most common reason husbands feel like they can’t talk about it is because their wives have already proven they aren’t interested or can’t handle it.
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Women might laugh at the notion that their words and touch could cause a lump in our throats. Even if we try to explain it, they might just roll their eyes along with a big “puh-lease!”
The most common reason husbands feel like they can’t talk about it is because their wives have already proven they aren’t interested or can’t handle it.
In her brilliant article, “I Am the Patriarchy”, Jonalyn Grace Fincher listed 17 shining examples of how women refuse to let men be vulnerable. The article continued the discussion Brene Brown started in her book, Daring Greatly, where she addresses male vulnerability.
“We ask men to be vulnerable, we beg them to let us in, and we plead with them to tell us when they’re afraid, but the truth is that most women can’t stomach it. In these moments when real vulnerability happens in men, most of us recoil with fear and that fear manifests as everything from disappointment to disgust. And men are very smart” (Brene Brown, Daring Greatly).
What most women don’t know is that just reading this list can make a grown man cry. These things happen on a daily basis for many husbands who don’t dare discuss them. Here is Jonalyn’s starter-kit list for women.
Believing my husband is substandard when I have to do manual labor due to his absence/illness/unavailability. e.g. snow shoveling.
Avoiding eye contact when he admits feeling overwhelmed.
Taking over when he seems to fumble.
Assuming his emotional absence (shut down) is normal and natural for men and refusing to pursue his feelings.
Showing embarrassment when he’s afraid.
Expecting him to shoulder the hardest work (emotionally, physically, intellectually, spiritually) without complaint.
Never asking him what he’s afraid of.
Refusing to offer him the understanding and sympathy I offer my girlfriends when he’s overwhelmed.
Expecting him to tolerate more criticism than a woman.
Growing quickly impatient when he doesn’t demonstrate mastery over a project: from booking social events, to filing our taxes, to fixing the kitchen sink.
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad freeBecoming business-like and cold when he asks for help.
Knowing our girlfriend’s needs and wants more than we know our own husband’s.
Hiding his mistakes from our kids, as if they (like me) cannot handle him being vulnerable.
Expecting him to have more strength than I do.
Expecting him to shoulder more grunt-work.
Expecting him to “man-up” (whatever that means) when I want him to do something unpleasant.
Expecting him (when you’re both equally fire-arm trained) to inspect every scary sound in the house and calling him names (even in your head) when he shows hesitation.
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What to do With This Information
For the Women: You have more personal influence and power in your relationship than you know. Your ability to inspire feelings of confidence and well-being in your man is available to you at all times – every minute of every day. What might you stop doing today and start doing tomorrow that could change his world in an instant? You have this secret power – why wouldn’t you use it?
For the Men: Admit it. You want pinky power. You love pinky power. Her touch of approval and acceptance is a gift you want more than sex. If we’re honest, those are the feelings we seek through sex, aren’t they? Don’t be ashamed of your needs and vulnerability. Stand proud in your manly desire for her pinky power. Explain it without apology or fear. Find out what HER version of pinky power is from you. Then apply generously.
I wrote a special report for men in a struggling marriage. Download your free copy of “The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage” by clicking HERE.
Photo: Jonathan McPherskesen/Flickr
Wow what a powerful article. Yes it is empowering for both men and women if they can allow themselves to be vulnerable. What stayed with me most after reading this was the negative comments from women. I think it’s very sad but understand that it’s because they cannot allow themselves to be that vulnerable. You cannot give to another what you do not have yourself. I had to do a lot of work on myself to get there. I had to work through a lot of feelings from my past that were as a result of not being treated so… Read more »
Joan,
Thank you for putting your experience into words and sharing with the rest of us.
I totally agree with you, in that for my partner to be vulnerable, I have to be open to it myself.
(You would think it would be a given that if both involved appreciate their partner and the effort they put in, you run a much higher chance to have an amazing relationship. But so many people seem to regard this simple connection as pure rocket science…)
Here’s another article that is, in my opinion, along the same line https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/hlg-the-most-loving-thing-a-woman-can-do-for-a-man/
Steve I have read you ur article here and the article you link to. In my opinion you do not see the whole picture . Let me try to explain. All women enter marriage with a history . The parents we grew up with,or the other caretakers . When I read this article it sounds like ALL WOMEN grow up surrounded with strong men that can cope with anything. Never have any woman before marriage been emotionally close to any man and seen his real feelings and seen him as he really is. Well Steve you are wrong ! Not… Read more »
This article should really be on a feminist website but it would not remotely well received, problem is showing a women in any negative light leads to accusations of sexism and male privilege. The other problem is that women not wanting their partners to be vulnerable is another example of her projecting her own insecurity onto him and it becoming his problem as a result. As a guy we are constantly stuck in a situation where women want us to share our emotions then shame us for doing so. How many times I’ve been told to “man up” or get… Read more »
Very informative article. I think part of the problem, and I stress “part” because it’s a complex topic, is that when you ask or want your partner to be vulnerable, that means you have to be vulnerable too in response to their vulnerability. You have to be open to them and willing to accept their vulnerability and what they need or are sharing. And realistically, that isn’t always easy. Even for women. Wanting the vulnerability and having the emotional skills to really be open and be vulnerable yourself are two different things for men and women alike. I think women… Read more »
Their is a simple answer to your questions and that’s to ask him what he wants from you. Does he want a person to vent to to or someone to discuss and get advice/another perspective from. The problem is that despite what many women claim they really don’t want an emotionally vulnerable man. You have admitted as much but here is something this is really important that is the woman’s problem not the man’s. Unless the women’s addresses her issues little more than a bandaid can be put on the problems. Those issues can partially explain larger issues we face.… Read more »
I didn’t “admit” anything of the kind, Issac. I actually never said anything close to the idea that women “really don’t want an emotionally vulnerable man”. I infact said the exact opposite so I am confused by your conclusion to my comments. Perhaps you are looking for things in my response to prove your already preconceived ideas about women. Which obviously aren’t favorable. I totally believe that many women out there DO want emotionally vulnerable men. What I did say is that women too, don’t always have the skills to successfully be open to men’s vulnerability. I even explained why.… Read more »
Your proving my point. You can’t want something(emotional man) that your scared of (him showing emotion)until you address that fear.
It is literally impossible to prove your point for you, when you are making assertions based on nothing I actually said and refuse to the acknowledge the actual things I did say. I said several times already that women most certainly need to work on facets of their emotional lives. You ignore it everytime I say it and keep pretending I didn’t already acknowledge this. Women are human beings, just like you. We are not perfect. If you don’t want women to expect you to be perfect, then you need to do the same for women. Men have as much… Read more »
Erin, Two things: First: ” I think part of the problem, and I stress “part” because it’s a complex topic, is that when you ask or want your partner to be vulnerable, that means you have to be vulnerable too in response to their vulnerability. “ Yes, and that is pretty much what a lot of men deal with most every day. They get home from work, and are often met with an emotional turmoil from their wife or girlfriend (and in my experience, regardless if she’s been at work too or are a stay-at-home mum.). Rarely if ever does… Read more »