As a mom, I sometimes hear other parents, in speaking about their own children, say things like, “He’s all boy!” or “She’s all girl!”
Sometimes these things are said in frustration; other times with pride—but always spoken with affection and perhaps a bit of relief in that my child is conforming to gender stereotypes and even in 2018 most of us harbor at least a subconscious belief that this will make his/her life easier.
Recently The National Review (of all places) posited, in part, that today’s men are “weaker” than in previous generations, and therefore less masculine. It echoed a recent conversation I had with a friend who said that men ought to be able to work with their hands and do manual labor, even if they are well-educated intellectuals.
I bristled at this suggestion, just as I did at the article: when will we release the idea that being a “man” entails a specific checklist to be fulfilled?
It is interesting to note that while we do sometimes talk about men having a “feminine side,” we are less inclined to acknowledge that women can have a masculine side as well.
We all have personal contradictions galore that make us the people that we are; the so-called “battle of the sexes” can be as much an internal war as an external one. I am a very assertive, opinionated person and tend to “take charge” in a lot of situations; this doesn’t mean I don’t like it when someone takes care of me.
◊♦◊
Remember back in the 90s when Jerry Maguire told Dorothy, “You complete me” and ladies everywhere swooned? Nowadays the idea of looking to romantic relationships to “complete” you is considered a cardinal sin. We are told over and over that we are strong and whole alone and women especially get the message that it is weak to “need” a man.
My parents’ 50-year marriage was in many ways a union of opposites: my Dad was a great family man and provider, but he never met a tool he liked and would no sooner tinker with a car or participate in extreme sports than skin a cat. My mom, on the other hand? Would roll up her sleeves and get right down in the mud, no matter what the task.
In most ways, they conformed to the gender-specific roles of a traditional marriage. But their relationship had a lot of yin-yang; seemingly opposite or contrary forces that are actually complementary and interdependent. They were so comfortable with frequent and varied power exchanges that they always came off as an entirely united front; Mom and Dad were the quintessential team players.
They both “needed” each other to function at their personal best.
As a strong-willed woman, I found when I was dating it was hard for me to strike a balance in relationship with very strong-willed men. I am an aggressive energy—aggression is usually considered a masculine energy. I found guys who had a more laid-back, receptive energy were more likely to accept me as I am; meanwhile, receptive energies tend to be labelled feminine.
But this no more made me “the man” in my relationships than it made the men I dated effeminate. I fact, I found the more secure in his masculinity a man was, the more likely he was to be laid-back about letting me make decisions.
The interplay of traditionally masculine and feminine traits, behaviors and energies exists in every one of us; does it not make sense that we seek partners whose unique dynamic is harmonious with our own? Not because we are not “complete” without them, mind you. But because, like my parents, we need to realize that teamwork is an essential part of a healthy, long-term relationship and it makes no sense to have a team made up of all catchers any more than it makes sense to have a team of all pitchers.
◊♦◊
A lot of parents I know are having to deal with the fact that teenagers are more and more likely to describe themselves as “gender fluid” and more likely to experiment with same sex relationships than ever before. We all want our children to be happy and these sorts of “nonconformities” can be at the very least troubling (for some) to a flat out emergency (for others).
But the reality is that this is a symptom of something we call “evolution.”
As adults we have to be evolved enough to accept that no one is “all boy” or “all girl”—the masculine and feminine exist in each of us and it is important to recognize and allow this in order to have the healthiest relationships possible. Our willingness to embrace all of our differences is what ironically brings us closer together. I think the transgender community has done a huge service to contemporary society in opening up this line of dialogue.
Just as we can accept that transgender people are the sex they identify with as opposed to what biology informs us, a man who knits (for example) is still a man if he says he is. Ditto for a woman who chops wood.
We cannot allow ourselves to be defined by these narrow parameters of behavior.
In that National Review article, the author also opined that it is a man’s “responsibility” to be a “protector, builder, and fixer.”
Wow, really? Says THAT GUY. I say: BE YOURSELF and don’t let anyone tell you who that is.
When Caitlyn Jenner shared, “I am for all intents and purposes a woman” I actually thought to myself—I can relate to that! Because of my “masculine” traits, I sometimes get treated like “one of the guys.”
Except I am not. I am a woman, whatever that means to me.
And I look forward to a time when “boys will be boys” could just as easily describe a spa day as a pub crawl. Please, BE YOURSELF. And don’t let anyone tell you who that is.
—
Read Kara Post-Kennedy every week here on The Good Men Project!
—
What’s your take on what you just read? Comment below or write a response and submit to us your own point of view or reaction here at the red box, below, which links to our submissions portal.
◊♦◊
Sign up for our Writing Prompts email to receive writing inspiration in your inbox twice per week.
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project, please join us as a Premium Member, today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all-access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class, and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group, and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
This Post is republished on Medium.
—
Photo credit: iStock
As a dimorphic species behaviors also split into two complementary but distinct gender roles. The correlation of masculine with male and feminine with female is statistically proven. Just like sexuality it is innate but can completely cross over the gender divide, typically as a trans gender person. Ypur political agenda does not trump science.
#TransWomenAgainstFeminism: we are not a social construct 😛
Hi Kara
I like your article. I think it’s OK to label certain characteristics as either masculine or feminine without guilt, as long as, like you say, we accept that men and women will display both at different times. Sometimes I think people get upset by mistakenly associating masculine only with men and feminine only with women.
How about we stop with the feminine or masculine as a stereotype, and simply have a human as as a stereotype? . Don’t you really think, assuming even being raise by a mom and a dad, even if that may or may not being the norm, that one doesn’t bring both energies into the equation? . Being human is both. Can’t have one without the other. But nurture has its place. And sways more to one than the other at timesfor the individual.
Good article and point of view. Stereotypes are unfortunately still the norm. No need to be but man is it ingrained by training. I’m a man who loves to cook and God forbid shop with my wife. I love her logical reasoning that passes me off, but we mainly have fun doing it. We’re a great team going through life. Yes I’ll fix stuff or at least have a go at it. But I also rely on her helping me. And no I’m not a man’s man and really don’t give a flying donut. I ain’t living your life. So… Read more »
I appreciate your insight and your comment. We all need the freedom to be ourselves.
By watching Are we all Bigots, by Morgan Freeman, you will understand why our brains use stereotypes and always will.
Kara, Thanks for the article. Very well written and spot on. That article about men are less masculine sets me off too The guy who wrote that is obviously in the “man box” and deserves to be locked in there. Did you tell your friend who asserts that men should be in love with tools needs to grow up, hope so? Women are more masculine now because they are not our parents generation, they need to be in the workplace as it exists now. Men may be more feminine now but that is a good thing because they are more… Read more »
I love your perspective. Thank you for sharing!
Mr. Elliott, I feel that other men don’t want men to ask questions, be silent, and don’t show their feelings as well, not just women.