Geer Oskam is a father in a very non-traditional family.
Let’s Not Not Do It
I met your mother when we were 15 and 14 years old. We became instant friends and said, “What if we make a baby together when we are 30?” Two years later we both ‘came out’ and we said, “What if we still make a baby together when we are 30?” 14 years your mother got married to your mother and we said, “What if we still make a baby together with the three of us?”
After 15 years of speaking light hearted about it, we started talking seriously mid-2012. Your mothers just got married and we wanted to see how ‘real’ we could make it. In Dec 2012 we said ‘Yes’.
Weeks and months of deliberation followed. Ups and downs on my part: ‘I want to’; ‘no way I am to young’; ‘start without me’; ‘look at other options’.
I was ready for you when I thought about you like this: what if your moms would visit me in 10 years with their child and it wouldn’t be mine…
It could not be that you would not be my child. I was still a bit afraid to say ‘Lets do it’, in stead I said: “Let’s not not do it.”
Legally
In a modern family there are several possible parental constructions, socially and legally. Your moms contacted a notary in Amsterdam who is well known for ‘modern family’ constructions, but she kept referring to me as ‘the donor’ instead of ‘the father’. Since we all didn’t feel comfortable with this, we made an appointment with a befriended notary. He himself is married to a man and they are expecting their first child with a woman, so he knew what we needed.
In Dutch family law (just like in the rest of the world) you can only have 2 legal parents. Many same sex couples choose for the option where the mothers are the legal parents and the father has (/-s have) no parental rights. At modern family meetings this construction where the father is just ‘a donor’ is promoted very often. In order to let your moms be the official parents I would have to waive my parental rights completely.
We viewed this as a negative step – as if I would decline being a father. We choose to see how we could bend the law so that we would have the most inclusive construction.
Until family law around the world changes we will use the following ‘solution’. I will acknowledge you at the town hall of Amsterdam, together with your biological mother; this makes us your legal parents. To include your other mother we will turn our Parental Manifesto into a legal memorandum of understanding where we explicitly express that everyone is a full parent. All your parents will fulfill the same role and we will share custody as two families. Furthermore we will each create a will which states that in case that either of us passes away all parental rights go to the remaining parent(s). All documents are kept by our friend the notary.
Originally published at twogirlsaboyandacup.tumblr.com
Photos courtesy of the author
Part 3 I Really Feel Like a Dad Now 6/15/14
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