We met on an all-women’s soccer team about five years ago.
We’ll call her Lucy.
I hadn’t ever dated a woman before, but as soon as I saw her, I knew I wanted to know her as more than a friend. It was the first time in my life that I was in an environment where being straight was the minority, and it made me feel like it was safe to explore this part of me.
Since everyone on the team thought I was straight, it took me a while to give her signs that I was interested. Finally, we got drunk together on a team night out and found ourselves dancing close together and kissing on the dance floor the entire night. The next day, we texted, and she asked if she could take me out to coffee.
We went to this little café where the seats were cushions on the floor and the lights dimmed. I wondered if the server knew we were on a date or if he thought we were just two friends hanging out. It felt so natural — as if we were just two friends hanging out, only, I also wanted to kiss her.
When we left, it had gotten dark out. Lucy walked me home, and we hovered in front of the house for a few moments, trying to figure out how to say our goodbyes. We didn’t have the help of booze now, and I had no idea how to make the first move. Maybe it was too soon for that. So, we hugged and said we’d see each other at practice.
The same thing happened again. And then again. And then our texting faded and one day, she sent me a message saying she felt like we were better just as friends, and I agreed, even though I was disappointed.
After this experience, I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d been more forward, more romantic, if I knew how to woo her, “put on the charm,” would something more have happened?
I thought about that moment in front of my house: I should have just kissed her.
When I’m dating a man, these roles are so much clearer. He takes the lead. He makes the first move. He asks me to be in a relationship when he’s ready. I even take on such a passive role at times that I let him choose whatever food we order or what movies we’re going to watch.
If I was dating a woman, would I need to be with someone who embodied these same “masculine,” more assertive, qualities? Or would it be an opportunity for me to step into that role myself?
Perhaps Lucy and I wouldn’t have friend-zoned each other if one of us had just made the first damn move. I could see, then, how if a man doesn’t have that same confidence in a romantic scenario, he could also just as easily stay in the friend zone.
And it’s hard. When I thought about leaning in to kiss Lucy, I was afraid. What if she rejected me? What if she didn’t want to be kissed in that moment? What if the kiss was bad? I do think we are hard on our men; we want them to be confident and take action and yet the advance must be consensual and wanted.
Here are some things I believe that we can do no matter our gender to take more of an active role in a relationship:
>> Ask the person if it’s okay to make a move. It doesn’t have to “ruin the moment” or be super cheesy. But we can simply ask if it’s okay to kiss right now or ask how they’re feeling in the moment.
>> We can learn that rejection is not a reflection of our self-worth. Rejection is scary, but what’s the worst that can happen? If I leaned in for the kiss, and Lucy pulled back and said she didn’t feel that way, then at least I would know how she feels. I wouldn’t have gotten angry or aggressive, and it probably would have been a bit embarrassing, but at least we wouldn’t have wasted any more of our time.
>> We need to better understand ourselves and our wants. If I want a pizza, I need to say I want a pizza. If I’m not in the mood for a horror, I shouldn’t pretend I am, and then sit, scared half to death, through an hour and a half film. We need to know ourselves in order to know how to advocate for ourselves in a partnership.
>> We need to communicate when something is not working. The one thing I appreciated about Lucy was her honesty. She didn’t ghost me (I mean, we were on the same team so it would have been pretty awkward), and she didn’t lead me on. As soon as she knew how she felt, she told me in a respectful way. We often stay quiet in relationships and hope something will change. But usually, that leads to resentment.
Open communication can either deepen the relationship and help meet each other’s needs, or it can help us realize that it’s not the right person, and both partners are free to find the one who is.
No matter who I date next, I’m going to practice all of this. I do have a feeling it will be empowering and rewarding to know what I want and to know how to ask for it.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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