How Do I Stop Feeling Unworthy of Love?

 

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

One of the most common pieces of advice that I’ve received as a male looking to date women is to “be confident”. This sounds good on surface, but it’s something that I’ve really struggled with.

In particular, I have some serious insecurities around dating, and I feel like these insecurities make me incredibly undesirable. After all, it means that I’m not confident, and according to Reddit (not the best place for advice, I know), an insecure man is deeply unattractive. He’s seen as weak and needy. Of course, this makes me even more insecure.

Another thing that I’ve struggled with is that I’m not stereotypically “masculine”. I’m not necessarily “take-charge”, “confident”, and “cool”. I consider myself to be a kind person, both to men and women, and like to connect with my partners deeply. I want to be loved and admired, and I often feel needy because of it. One thing that really bothers me is the “nice guy” trope. While I’ve never been nice in a manipulative way, nor gotten upset at a woman for telling me “no” (I always respect others’ boundaries), I still feel bad. I feel like my kindness and need for connection are “non-masculine” and unattractive. This ties in with my struggles with confidence too. I will say that many of my behaviors tended towards those who have anxious attachment, meaning I can be somewhat of a people pleaser (usually in romantic situations only though). Of course, I understand that this is something that I should work on for the sake of my own happiness, and I’ve made efforts to do so. For example, I’m now very up-front with my feelings for someone — if I want to get my needs met then I must voice them.

But still, I really feel lonely and undesirable. I know that I shouldn’t depend on external validation to feel good. But at the very least, even if I’m not being actively pursued by anyone, I want to feel *worthy* of being desired. Instead, all I’ve gotten is shame. Most online dating advice perpetuates shame and self-hatred, and then turns around to tell you to be more confident if you ever want to find love. Reddit is particularly culpable of this. Yours is one of the few that I feel are actually helpful and not toxic, which is why I’m reaching out to you.

Why is my confidence so important? Why am I not worthy of love without it? I just want to be told that who I am as a person *is* enough, and that I don’t need to radically transform myself to be worthy of love. Of course, that doesn’t mean that self-improvement is out the window — I strongly believe in becoming the best version of ourselves. But this should be internally motivated by your values, not externally by what is deemed “desirable”. Right now my pursuit of “confidence” seems to be an effort to be more “traditionally masculine”, and thus more attractive. If I felt no external pressure to be confident, of course I would still want to improve it, but I wouldn’t place my entire sense of worth into it, nor feel so bad or anxious about it being low. But unfortunately, it feels like no woman will really respect or desire me until I do improve it — and if I ever lose it, then it’s over. This feeling is likely exaggerated in some way, but I need support for an alternate point of view. I want to feel worthy of love as I am.

The pursuit of confidence is precisely what makes me so insecure. It is precisely what makes me feel unworthy of love, and that’s something that I want to change. Nobody deserves to feel undesirable and unworthy of love.

Insecure Young Adult

OK, IYA, there’re more than a few misunderstandings and disconnects going on here, but I want to start with this one: confidence and being confident isn’t a prerequisite to being worthy of love. When people talk about the importance of traits like confidence, they’re not saying that people without them are “unworthy”. You’re confusing and conflating “unattractive” with “unworthy”, which are two very different things. You can be worthy of love, but not be attractive to someone. Attractiveness, after all, is very much in the eye of the beholder. You can show me the prettiest person on the face of the planet and there’ll still be folks who wouldn’t fuck them with borrowed genitals and the celebrity of their choosing to do the pushing.

Whether you’re attractive or not to somebody isn’t about worth. Worth and worthiness doesn’t come into it. Or, rather, not in the way that you think.

Here’s the thing though: worthiness and unworthiness are tied to confidence… the fact that you describe yourself as being unworthy is where that lack of confidence comes into play. Your lacking confidence in yourself is a big part of why you feel unworthy; you see these aspects of yourself and think it makes you undeserving of love. This is very much a case of “the call is coming from inside the house” – or, more accurately, inside your head.

The concept of confidence and self-confidence is one a lot of people get wrong. I could fill a book with the number of letters and conversations I’ve had with people who think that confidence is tied to success or dependent on achievement. But that’s not true at all; you can see people all the time who’ve achieved amazing things who are deeply insecure and lack confidence.

Ever notice how thin-skinned certain tech leaders and “billionaires”, especially ones running social media sites into the ground can be? You’d think that, with all their money and all their supposed influence and skill, they’d be the most confident, secure people in the world. Except they very clearly thirst for approval and acclaim from others that they never get and never will.

Similarly, ever notice how much the so-called “alpha males” lose their shit as soon as anyone questions them? Half of the “alpha” philosophy of folks like this is to respond to “challenges” and “establish dominance”, which tends to show just how very fragile their egos and sense of confidence they can be. One would think that these masters of the universe would snicker and just go about their day, instead of leaping into the fray as soon as someone looks sideways at them. But they don’t, precisely because they don’t feel confident in themselves. It’s very much posturing and bluster, not something they feel within.

Confidence isn’t about achievement. Confidence isn’t about proving you’re the biggest swinging dick on the block. Confidence is about knowing yourself, being sure of yourself and – importantly – being comfortable with yourself.

Now, let’s take a step back and look at the way you describe yourself in your letter: you talk about feeling bad about yourself for being “non-masculine” or about not being “take charge” or “cool”. More to the point: you make it clear that you feel like these are deficiencies in your character, things that you need to fix.

But what if I told you that being confident isn’t necessarily about “fixing” these things? What if I told you that confidence is about owning those aspects of yourself as just who you are and being cool with it being part of who you are. You’re not the dominant leader of the group, not the “Crunch Buttsteak” of every room you enter. And? Not everybody is, nor do they need to be. There’s nothing unmasculine about being caring or emotional, tender or gentle. Not everyone wants to date Blast Hardcheese, and not everybody wants to be him. Rather than lamenting your “lack of masculinity”, how about just recognizing that you are who you are and that’s part of what makes you uniquely you and uniquely awesome. Are you “manly”? Well… are you a man? If the answer is yes, hey, welcome to manliness. You do man shit because what you do as a man is man shit. A man with traditionally femme-coded traits is no less a man for having those traits; that’s just his version of manhood. Masculinity isn’t tied to the incredibly narrow, restrictive ideas that ultimately lead to misery, emotional isolation and an inability to trust or rely on anyone.

Now, where things go wrong is in neediness and being a people pleaser. There’s a difference between not necessarily being “take charge” and letting people walk all over you, or relying on other people for your sense of self-worth and emotional well-being.

Part of the reason why neediness and insecurity are unattractive is because of what it says about the person expressing it; why should someone be into them if even they don’t believe in themselves? Forgive a problematic metaphor, but would you buy a product that mostly apologizes for its existence? Would seeing something advertised as “We’re just not as good as the other guys” inspire you to try it?

But the other part of why neediness is unattractive is because of what it asks of other people – especially the people you’d want to be in a relationship with. Neediness and relying on external validation means that the needy person is going to be relying on someone else to handle their emotions for them. Most people aren’t going to be interested in that; they have enough on their plate dealing with their own issues. The people who are the most interested in dealing with someone who’s needy or relies on external validation are almost always people you don’t want to be with. They’re the ones who rely on someone’s lack of self-worth and self-security because those people rarely have strong boundaries. Grifters, scammers, toxic “friends” and partners rely on the needy and insecure because they’re so easy to take advantage of.

A person who’s secure in themselves, who has no problem saying “no” or refusing to set themselves on fire just to keep someone else warm – especially someone who doesn’t care if they burn out – isn’t going to tolerate behavior like that. They’re not going to allow the users and toxic people to maintain a hold on their life. There may not be a way to keep toxic folks from showing up, but they sure as fuck don’t let them stick around.

Right now, it sounds like you’re relying a lot on other people’s opinions to decide whether you’re “worthy” and it’s causing you no small amount of pain. That is precisely why external validation is a trap; you are basing your entire sense of self on the opinions of others, including faceless strangers on the Internet who have absolutely no idea who the fuck you are. You will never feel confident or “worthy” as long as that’s true, because you will be putting your entire sense of self and self-worth into the hands of others. You are surrendering control to people who often have no interest or motivation to keep propping you up and may well have a vested interest in keeping you feeling insecure and like you need to sacrifice your own needs to the whims of others.

This is why validation needs to come from within, first. The approval of others – people whose approval may be worth seeking – is great… but it can’t be the most important thing. You have to believe in your own worth and approval first.

This is why, for example, focusing on being your best self is about being your best authentic self. If you’re a quiet, gentle soul, then you want to be that and love yourself for it, rather than trying to force yourself into being Slab Squatthrust. It’s why self-compassion and acceptance is as important as self-confidence. That compassion brings understanding. And that understanding of yourself helps you be authentically who you are and to be cool with being who you are.

But it’s also why you can’t rely on things like dodgy subreddits to tell you what you “need” to be, especially when you’re already willing to put the untested opinions of total strangers on such a high pillar that you feel like you’re “unworthy” because of it. That’s where the lack of confidence is coming in. Be willing to look at advice which may be irrelevant to you or even just plain wrong and say “nah, that’s not it” and move on without worrying that maybe they’re right and you need to change everything about yourself.

Yes, work on your insecurities, that part’s important. Work on not being a people pleaser or letting other folks walk over you, rather than being willing to stand up for yourself, advocate for your own needs and to draw a line between what you will and won’t accept. That lack of willingness to be your own advocate is what women won’t respect, because women aren’t looking for doormats any more than they’re looking for someone to “keep them in their place”.

But you also have to look at yourself and like who you are for who you are – not who others have told you that you “need” to be. You can cosplay the Dominant Alpha Male all you want, but not only will that never fit you properly, but it’s not even what most people actually want in a partner… and it certainly won’t mean that you’d be dating people you would want to date.

Which is part of where confidence come back in. If you want women to be attracted to you, do you want women who want who you are trying to pretend to be? Or do you want women who are attracted to you for who you actually are? Because hey as it turns out? What women are most attracted to is the intersection of confidence and kindness.

Learn to like yourself first. Be your best self… but your best self is still your true self. If that person’s kind, gentle, not necessarily the loudest or most strident voice in the room, that’s great. There’s a difference between that person and someone who’s given up any semblance of control of their own sense of self to others.

Be who you authentically are and love yourself for it. Don’t let other people tell you that you’re wrong for doing so. That’s where true confidence comes from.

Good luck.

***

Hey Dr. NerdLove,

First and foremost, I want to say I love what you do. Your column has been my geeky relationship north star for some time now. But I’ve hit a snag that I’m hoping you can help with.

Here’s the situation: When it comes to the dating scene, I feel like I’m stuck in a loop of rejection. You know those characters in movies and series who are always just on the cusp of getting the girl or guy but never do? Yeah, that feels like my life.

I’m not the type to get easily discouraged, but it’s starting to wear on me. Whether it’s asking someone out for coffee or trying to take a more serious relationship to the next level, the outcome seems to be consistent: I’m not what they’re looking for. And honestly? It’s getting harder not to take it personally. Each “no thanks,” or “I just see you as a friend,” or the dreaded ghosting feels like another blow to my self-worth.

I’ve tried different approaches: online dating, being set up by friends, joining hobby groups, you name it. The results are often the same. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a few short-term relationships, but they always seem to end with them moving on to someone “better.”

I believe in personal growth, and I’ve taken steps to improve myself, both for my own well-being and to be a better partner. But with every rejection, I find myself questioning, “Is it me? Is there something fundamentally unlovable or undesirable about me?”

So, the million-dollar question: How do I handle the sting of constant rejection without letting it erode my self-esteem? I’m hoping you’ve got some insights or strategies up your sleeve to help me navigate this. I’d hate to become cynical and jaded because deep down, I still believe there’s someone out there who’d be thrilled to be with me.

Looking forward to your guidance,

Forever Player One

So, here’s a question for you: if you were looking for a tasty salmon for dinner and you were in the middle of the Indian Ocean, would you be blaming yourself for being a poor fisherman? Or could you understand that sometimes, not finding what you’re looking for means you’re in the wrong place?

Now, I ask this because so much of rejection has nothing to do with us. You can, quite literally, do everything right and still fail. As Dita Von Teese once said: you can be the sweetest, juiciest peach in the world, but some folks just don’t like peaches. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with the peach. It just means that some folks don’t want peaches; they want pears. Or oranges. Or they may not want fruit at all.

Rejection is something that you can’t ever fully account for, because rejection so often has more to do with other people and their own baggage. You don’t – and often can’t – know what makes someone decide they’re not into you. They may have just gotten out of a relationship themselves. They may not be interested in relationships at all. You may remind them of their ex in some ineffable way and they just can’t vibe with that. That doesn’t mean that you did something wrong; it just means that there’s something there that triggers something in them through no fault of your own.

This is also why someone dating somebody else after you – even going on to have the kind of relationship you wish you had with them – doesn’t mean they found someone “better”, objectively. It means that they ended up in a relationship with another person; end of. You know next to nothing about why they chose to settle down with that person. It may have been as simple as “that’s who they happened to be dating when they decided it was time to commit”; that doesn’t mean this person is better than you, it just means that it was a quirk of fate and timing.

Rejection – even strings of rejection – also can just be bad luck. One of the things we often forget is that random chance is random, and that means you can end up on streaks that seem improbable… including losing streaks. Even losing streaks that seem to last for years. The idea that a string of losses means we’re doing something wrong is a form of the Gambler’s Fallacy. Just because the coin keeps coming up heads doesn’t mean that you’re “due” for tails soon, because the odds aren’t cumulative. Each flip of the coin is entirely separate from the previous one. So it is with dating. And so it is with rejection. Unless you’re working exclusively from a pool of potential dates who all know each other and know exactly who’s dating or been asked to date whom, each rejection is unique and separate from the last.

We often treat dating as though it were poker, where you’re competing with other people and you need to play “correctly” to ensure that you win and they lose. It’s far more akin to blackjack – everybody is playing their own game, and their success or failure is functionally independent of what you do. Yes, you can play “correctly” and shift the odds as best you can, but chance is always going to be part of the system. Just because someone else got a lucky draw doesn’t mean that they were “better” than you or that they took the card that “should” have been yours. It just means they got a lucky draw. That’s it.

Now, you can and should do your best to optimize your chances. Some of this is self-improvement – being your best, most polished self, and so on. Some of it is demographic; you may be in an area where “your” people are just thin on the ground. Queer people in particular know this struggle; being gay or trans in a small, conservative town means that you’re not going to have as many options, if any. That doesn’t mean they’re doing anything wrong, it just means that they’re in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Or it may mean making sure that you’re looking for the right people. If you’re a peach, you want people who want peaches. It also means looking for people who really want what you have to offer. When we say “don’t be everybody’s cup of tea, be a few people’s shot of whiskey”, what that means is that you don’t necessarily want many people who only kinda like you, you want someone who craves you.

It is important to look at what you’re doing and how, because that can influence things. But there’s a difference between “make sure you’re not doing the things that make you roll with disadvantage” and “you’re a flawed, unloveable person”.

It may mean that you’re trying too hard, that you’ve let the rejection get in your head and now you’re trying to prove something to yourself by getting a win, any win. That desperation can put people off. Or it may mean that you’re going after people who you just aren’t compatible with. Sometimes what we want isn’t the same as what’s right for us, and we haven’t balanced the two sides of that particular equation.

And still other times, the issue is that you’re not putting yourself into fortune’s path. I’ve lost track of the number of people who seem to think that if someone’s right for them, that special someone will track them down and kick in the door of their apartment and sweep them off their feet. Or you might be experiencing a lot of rejection because you’re putting yourself out there a lot and thus courting rejection more often. This is one of the unspoken issues with online dating; you’re “approaching” more people than you would in person and thus courting rejection more frequently than you would be if you were going out and talking to people in the flesh.

And yes, sometimes it can be a skill issue. Or a “your pool may be smaller than others’” for any number of reasons that don’t have anything to do with you as a person. Sometimes it’s something that can be changed and improved upon. Sometimes it’s something you have to learn to work around.

None of this is to say that rejection doesn’t hurt or that it can’t get to you. It’s gonna sting. But that doesn’t mean it’s going to sting the same every time; sometimes it’s really painful, other times, its less noticeable than a mosquito bite. But if rejection starts becoming the worst pain every time, that often means that you’ve let it get set up shop in your head rent free. You’ve ended up focusing more on the outcome – being rejected – than recognizing that not everyone’s going to be right for you and that’s ok.

If it gets bad, then take time off. Focus on other things, connect with friends, do the things that are good for your soul and make life amazing. You’ll often find that taking a break is far better than continuing to pound your head against the wall or taking another dive into the thorn hedge – both for your self-esteem and for your odds. Sometimes the difference between success and failure is to just step away for a bit and come back when you’ve had a chance to relax and recuperate.

After all: “it’ll happen when you stop trying so hard” tends to be true. Often we get so caught up in the process and outcome dependent, we forget why we started in the first place. But when we stop, take a step back, relax and reconnect with who we are and what we want… we often put ourselves in a place where not only are we at our best, but we have the energy and resources to not just recognize an opportunity, but to take full advantage of it when it appears.

Good luck.

—

This post was previously published on Doctornerdlove.com and is republished on Medium.

***

—

Photo credit: iStock