Most men would rather go the bar than go for therapy. In fact, they would rather go anywhere rather than go for counseling or therapy. Men and women are different, so what’s the big deal that guys avoid counseling?
Plenty it turns out. In fact, our lives are at stake. Men suffer silently from depression, they struggle with addiction and they complete acts of suicide far more often than women.
Most men would rather go the bar than go for therapy. In fact, they would rather go anywhere rather than go for counseling or therapy. Men and women are different, so what’s the big deal that guys avoid counseling?
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The stats tell us that women are twice as likely as men to attend therapy, even though men face the same kind of issues with mental illness, abuse, and addiction. Men are more likely to complete an act of suicide than women and when they do manage to go, 90% of men report that they have benefitted from their experience with a counselor.
Healing is different for men. Our bodies and our minds are different than women, so it makes sense that we heal differently. The differences are not easily explained, but here are the facts:
- Physical wounds heal faster in men than in women
- Men experience depression and anxiety differently than women
- Many men grieve differently than women
- Men handle sickness way differently than women
- Men respond to relationship breakups differently than their female counterparts
It makes sense that when a man faces trauma, stress, pain and emotional setbacks, he will respond differently than a woman will respond.
Eight ways that men respond differently than women to their emotional health:
- Men will try to fix things first, rather than talking.
- Men will try to understand and be rational, rather than checking in with themselves. When guys say that they are just trying to be ‘rational,’ that can be a way of avoiding their own feelings or the feelings of their partner.
- Men will drink more.
- Men may consider suicide and if they do attempt it, they will choose more lethal means.
- Men will stuff, bury and avoid.
- Men will feel depressed, but it will be harder to detect because men are taught to be “real men” and ignore their feelings. It may come out as frustration, anger, controlling behavior, drinking more, shame, and creating conflicts with others.
- Men will respond differently to medication than women will. Body chemistry will often determine whether a treatment is as effective as it can be.
- Men face stigma in attending counseling or therapy and may be more apt to choose coaching or mentoring, which may not address their underlying needs.
If you know a man who needs help, here is what you can do to support a guy who needs help (This list is adapted from the 10 Strategies to Help Men Heal Emotionally. To access this excellent guide, click here):
a. Don’t judge him, but instead, listen to him.
b. Point out what he is already doing right. Build his confidence that he is already on track.
c. Avoid asking him how he feels. Talk instead about the story of what is happening. Stories can be powerful and telling our story is the beginning of healing.
d. Give him space and time to respond.
e. Give him options and remind him that he has choices.
f. Have him detail the risks of each decision or no decision.
h. Give him the practical reasons for addressing his needs (and his emotions).
Displaced anger, sorrow, or fear can be disastrous to his health (i.e. high blood pressure, heart attacks, etc.) and relationships (conflict, tension, and disconnection). Learning to deal effectively with his emotions, on the other hand, can put him in a position to make good decisions, proactively communicate his needs, and be more approachable and aware of what’s going on around him. It may also foster improved relationships and solving complex problems. Ken Druck
i. Let him know that he is unique and that he can express himself in ways that he feels comfortable with. Some men like to use their hands and build things, other men might like to write and journal, and other men might find a creative outlet like painting or poetry.
The bar really is a bad place for therapy to happen. A hangover is usually not a good way to try and change your life. What the bar does teach us is that men need other men, they just will express it differently.
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j. Listen for shame and address it, gently. Men feel shame and may have a difficult time expressing their emotions directly. Their failures, emotions, and setbacks often create a load of shame that can be difficult to overcome. Name the shame, because something named is easier to understand than a nebulous feeling.
k. Remember that there is a time to hold things together and a time to fall apart. Falling apart can feel scary as hell, but it can be done in a healthy way by practicing good coping. It may be time to upgrade your coping strategies if you continue to resort to unhealthy approaches.
The bar really is a bad place for therapy to happen. A hangover is usually not a good way to try and change your life. What the bar does teach us is that men need other men, they just will express it differently.
Please, share this with a man in your life.
If you enjoyed this article, you will want to read Breathe into the Bag: Anxiety and the Gender Gap.
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Keep it Real
Photos by ZS and Ted Goldring
A better alternative to bars are mens groups, where men are dedicated to helping each other deal with life problems. For many years, I and a co-therapist worked with men in group therapy, in a department of psychiatry at Kaiser Permanente in Santa Rosa, CA. It was easier for men to talk about their pain and anger and grief with other men. Those groups became important enough that sometimes the men chose to continue their group after the group ended at Kaiser. Men often have good reason to fear couples therapy, because marital or relationship therapy is too often conducted… Read more »
Richard, awesome suggestion! Men’s groups can be extremely life-giving. Appreciate your thoughtful response and recommended resource.
As a male, providing counselling to men, this is a great piece.Thank you!
Howard, Thank you for taking the time to read this piece and comment. I appreciate it.
It is hard for men to do emotional healing since society has spent much of its time suppressing and stifling men’s emotions.
Healing is difficult, but it is up to each man to take it on, and for men to encourage each other. Thanks for taking the time to read, and comment. I appreciate it.
Agreed. Men are literally raised to believe that stopping to heal themselves is the antithesis of being a man.
You can even see this play out in the efforts to prevent men’s groups and centers from forming on college campuses.
Men have to speak up on their own, create their own spaces, and do their own thing for their own sake instead of waiting for approval from so called progressives.
Danny, Great point. Stopping to heal is the antithesis of being man. The man in motion is considered the gold-standard man, but the man who stops is the healthy man. Love this concept. Thanks for taking the time to read, and comment.
You don’t see conservatives helping out men.
And you see progressives offering help to men that is conditional (usually hinging on it being primarily for women).
But other than that where did I say conservatives help men?