MEN ARE WIRED DIFFERENT
We know this. It’s nothing new. What you don’t know is how men fall in love. Your heart broken. He was so committed. You remember him texting nonstop. After two months he went ghost. There was no negative event. There was no argument. The sex was good. At least that’s what he told you. How can a guy who committed so much time be gone? Are you crazy? No you’re not.
Men are interesting creatures.
We are taught in a crucible. Society told us feelings didn’t matter. Elders told us to be strong. Our peers told us to stop crying.
DOING THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE FEEL
There’s a huge difference in our behavior.
Men do the opposite of what they feel every day. Women seldom do what they don’t feel like doing. It is rare for me to encounter a woman who stayed in a relationship she felt no love in. Men will stay in relationships where no love is present.
This sounds odd.
This sounds preposterous.
This is not odd or preposterous for a man.
I know at least three high earning men who do not cheat on their women and know they are not in love. Despite this reality they stay in the confines of their relationship.
FEELING IN LOVE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH STAYING
Three examples for you women to get why a man chooses to stay.
One man has a business venture tied to his wife. There is a lot of money at stake, and they are very amicable. They get along well. They work well together. They have great chemistry in business. It is not uncommon for her to disappear up to a week at a time. He doesn’t know where she is until she’s gone. She will pick up the phone and tell him if he asks. She doesn’t cheat on him. She just needs space. She likes being a lone wolf. Still, he stays with her. He will openly tell you he has not been in love for a long time. He will joke about it. He loves her dependability, reliability, and consistency. She loves his loyalty. He loves the life they build together. His goals for financial achievement are essential to him. She has the same feelings. They are empire creators.
The second man is a creative person who loves music. He composes sounds, songs and directs movies. His wife is an actress. She knows how to direct. She attracts talent. They make hits together. They are an awesome duo. He is not in love with her at all. They spend no interpersonal time together. He has more emotional connection with his dog. He stays because their lives are better together than apart. She’s also not a bad person. She’s great for him with his goals. So, he stays with her. They are not in love. He’s literally better with her than apart. He would not get nearly as many accolades in the music industry without her. He needs her. She needs him. They have a dependent symbiotic relationship. One cannot move without the other. They value each other and treat each other well.
The third man is a young guy. He’s aggressive in his pursuit of his dreams. He has little to no time for anything else. He has a high moral standard. He doesn’t believe in being promiscuous. He doesn’t like sleeping with randoms. So, he married a woman who’s happy to be at home and be provided for. He’s gone all the time. They have small children who she raises. He comes home to his stay-at-home wife. He loves his family. He spends little individual time with her. They only do things together. She’s happy with her life despite the fact he is not there most of the time. He’s not a cheater. He’s a builder. She wants to be part of something which is greater than herself. She ascribes to family versus individuality. She views the relationship as a duty and obligation. He loves that about her. They are not in love, but they love each other.
THE PUNCHLINE TO EACH LONG TERM COMMITTED MAN
Every single one of these men are not in love with their women. Despite the fact they are not “in love” every single one of these men are happy with their lives. None of them are unhappy. None of them want a divorce. Every single one of these men “love” their women. Every single one of these men are not “in love” with their women.
FEELINGS ARE FLEETING
Being in love is like being happy. No one can be happy forever. Sometimes you are sad. Sometimes you are angry. Sometimes you are excited.
All feelings run their course.
An emotionally driven man is unstable, unreliable, and not able to commit to a lifelong commitment. The issue with most women is they believe because a man “feels” so strongly about them these men will stay.
Men who only “feel” love will not “love” you forever. I know this sounds harsh. I know this sounds unromantic. I am not saying the absence of feelings is the key to forever. I’m saying you can’t forever feel some way about someone.
It’s not possible.
What is possible is deciding based on what you know. Men are very good at this. We decide to do things all the time. I do things all the time I don’t feel like doing. I decide to commit to things which are uncomfortable all the time.
I don’t feel like running 6 miles in 100-degree heat, with a 50 lb pack on my shoulders. I do it anyways. Welcome to being a man. This is how we make decisions.
I decide all the time to love my daughter. She is not always going to make me feel good, make me feel loved or make me feel appreciated. Despite this reality I will always love her.
Again…welcome to being a man.
SUBJECTIVE PERSPECTIVES ARE NOT OBJECTIVE REALITY
From a woman’s perspective I agree.
From a man’s perspective you disagree.
A great neuroscientist, Beau Lotto explained how we do not accurately perceive external reality. The external reality of a relationship is usually not fully understood by an outsider. That’s why it takes two to tango. That’s why relationship counseling is good. All perspectives help build a complete picture.
We can only interpret a relationship from a limited perspective. If you see a building from the east side, you can only see a part of it. Your vantage point is different than someone who sees it form the west. No matter what you say you can only see part of the story.
The same with your opinion on a relationship. You can only see it from your perspective. Imagine the complete relationship as a skyscraper. Men see it from the east. Women see it from the west. Both are on opposite sides of the relationship building. Each only sees their side. The building is an entire structure though.
There is something called “Objective Reality.” Objective Reality can only be seen if multiple perspectives merge into a term called “Trans- Perspectivism”. So, in this instance seeing the examples above requires us to account for all views. When one person tries to impose their perspective as absolute truth it is recipe for complete disaster.
A man will choose to stay for objective reasons. The man who left you chose to leave for objective reasons. Going ghost is lack of character. Those who lack character typically neglect the integrity category.
Doing the right thing when no one is looking is extremely rare. Doing the right thing in the face of sight is rare. Read to understand. Do not read to respond. Of course, I want your responses. The truth comes from multiple perspectives. So, offer yours. Just remember your perspective is one of many. We need them all to see the whole picture. Read the above and offer yours.
To all our knowledge success!
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Resources:
1) Anderson, R. Lanier. “Truth and Objectivity in Perspectivism.” Synthese. 115(1) (1998): 1–32.
2) Burton, H. E. The optics of Euclid. Journal of the Optical Society of America, 35 (1945): 357–372.
3) Clark, Maudemarie. Nietzsche on Truth and Philosophy. Modern European philosophy. Cambridge, England: Cambridge University Press, 1990. ISBN 978–0521348508
4) Hales, Steven D., and Rex Welshon. Nietzsche’s Perspectivism. International Nietzsche studies. Urbana, IL: University of Illinois Press, 2000. ISBN 978–0252068669
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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