The allegory of the King and his four wives is a very interesting one that reminded me of a relationship that I once had. The story goes as follows:
A wealthy King was ill on his deathbed as all four of his wives joined him. He stated that he did not want to die alone, and asked of which one of them would join him in the afterlife.
He asked his fourth wife who he pampered and loved the most. To his surprise, she told him no, and walked away. Next, he asked his third wife, to which she responded that as soon as he passed she would find another lover. Lastly, the second wife could only promise the arrangements of the funeral and burial, but nothing more. The King discouraged heard a voice, that told him she would go, it was his first wife. Throughout their lives he neglected her. Embarrassed, he apologized to her for never being there, and in repentance, he passed.
The metaphor the story imposes hits on a deeper level. In the story, the fourth, third, and second wives represent our body and its cravings, our wealth and desires, and our friends and family, respectively. The one we always forget to take care of is the first wife, that represents our spirit or soul.
The same thing happened to me. Now, I was not ill (healthwise to say the least) and I did not have four wives, I had two (spiritual ones.) These two individuals made me feel as though we had been reconnected after years of reincarnation. So, I followed my heart and decided to bring two powerful magnets to connect in a perfect harmonious polyamorous relationship.
I had read that polyamorous individuals are more committed in relationships because there is a hierarchy. You have your primary relationship and secondary relationship. I had also read that this was not healthy. So, what is a man to do? Both women wanted to be my primary, why would they not? You can imagine the web we tangled when it comes to jealousy. Little did I know it would be my jealousy that ruined the relationship. And it was not the first time.
According to Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert in their book, More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory, everyone must be honest, state limitations not rules, and trust your partner beyond a reasonable doubt. I did neither one of them. I was not honest with what I was okay with, I kept changing the rules, and I did not trust myself to do this.
I was not taking care of my first wife, metaphorically and literally. I was too focused on making sure that my second wife eased into the dynamic perfectly. I felt like I started not only neglecting one but both. Scheduling quality time, separate and together was difficult. In addition, satisfying big sexual appetites. Most would say I was living the life, most did.
However, I was compromising who I was. The man that attracted these two amazing women in the first place was not the same one in the dynamic. I was not the man that loved himself. My wives thought I wanted to juggle various things and be sexually free. Honestly, no one knew what they were doing, this was new to everyone. But, jealousy is no stranger. Jealousy is hardwired in your brain as a primal instinct.
We all got jealous every now and then. This is natural when you are being open and vulnerable emotionally. My jealousy was rooted from a fear of dying alone. I was insecure beyond my comfort zone. I was worrying how to keep both of them in my life. I thought, what if there is someone better than me that can do this better?
As Master Yoda once told young Anakin Skywalker, “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” And everyone suffered. In hindsight, I was not experienced emotionally, and not emotionally mature. Misery loves company, and my insecurities started clouding everyone else’s strengths.
I wanted to know about everything, whether I could handle it or not. I wondered what if they both had another lover, I would be left the odd man out. Maybe I need a third, but I cannot ask of them to add another without being willing to reciprocate. As they started seeing others I would pick at my heart until it became sore. I asked why I was the way that I am, questioning my whole existence.
I was no longer their rock, I had crumbled to rubble, as did the relationship. I thought maybe it was because I loved them both too much. What if I found a couple that was not looking for a third in particular, but an occasional third. However, it all leads back to your first wife.
If you are not secure, you fall in one of the other categories, and I think I fluctuated between all of them. I feel as though our strategies for relationships are not different than our nurturing ones. If anything, due to our nurturing we become love avoidant and love addicts. This could be a form of trauma from childhood or past relationships, very Freudian. However, I knew I was a love addict.
The second time jealousy ruined a relationship I met a couple whose relationship was actually based on jealousy. The couple thrived on jealousy for the man. Studies have shown a man will produce a larger amount of sperm during intercourse when he knows his partner had sex with another man prior. This is their niche.
We cannot fight our biology as I have learned. Sex produces hormones like vasopressin, oxytocin, serotonin and, dopamine to name a few. Why would a man not feel jealous as he saw his partner in the arms of a stranger? But is this not what he wants.
His negative view of others made him an avoidant towards me. This was to reaffirm he was in control of the dynamic, rather the relationship. This was where I was secure and he was not. He was becoming so jealous that he had a negative view of himself. His partner and I, love addicts, and him once an avoidant now an anxious-avoidant.
At this point, I was a threat to his family and relationship. We had diverted back to our primal strategies once again. None of us took care of our first wife. A polyamorous relationship is no different than a monogamous. Jealousy sees no difference; however, we see a difference in our jealousy. These are the conversations we need to have before it is too late. We have the ability to communicate our needs.
Know your limitations, be honest, trust your partner. More only means more honesty, and that everyone is secure by continuously moving the dynamic of the relationship towards it. Let go of fear, because you will suffer.
Learn from the mistakes of others and myself. Because as Carl Jung once said “beware of unearned wisdom”, so be careful what you wish for as you may learn something of yourself you were not ready to. The only way to have a healthy relationship is to be healthy in a relationship with healthy people.
Every experience is a learning one, it is what makes us strong, wise, and secure without attachment or control. Because we all know at the end of the story, the king dies and so do the wives. Take care of your first wife, because jealousy is inevitable. You must be a priority to make others part of it. Because we cannot provide love and security if we do not love and are secure ourselves.
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