Shawn Henfling shares his unconventional methods of successful parenting.
I didn’t really win father of the year, I just wanted to make sure you clicked on the link to read what I have to say. I’ll never actually win any parenting awards. I parent with quick wit and sarcasm. I’m far from a traditional dad, but then I’m not even their “real dad”. I’m a step dad. I had all the parenting skills of a Boar Grizzly trying to raise a baby wolverine. They were small and threatening and we didn’t understand each other. My daughter was 5 and my son was 9 when I moved in with them. We all made massive mistakes, but I think they’ve turned out OK so far. Me? I’m not sure I’ll ever be OK again.
Step One: Introduce yourself as the guy that will babysit with duct tape and closets. I really did that. My wife and I were friends first, and I used to sit for the kids every now and then. The first time they met me I was carrying a roll of duct tape. After the introductions I went through the house looking at the closets. I may have told them to help me pick which one they wanted to spend the night in. I laughed. My son laughed. My daughter cried. It wasn’t good. I would never tape them up and stick them in a closet, but I’d be lying if I told you there weren’t times I wanted to.
Step Two: Don’t leave them in the bathroom alone for too long. After a long and drawn out argument over whether one of them would be taking a shower or a bath, I thought I’d won. We agreed that a bath was in order. I THOUGHT I’d won. When “I have to poop first” becomes 25 minutes in the bathroom, don’t check on them. Run. Run far and fast and don’t look back. I knocked on the door and asked if everything was alright. Instead of an immediate yes, I was greeted with a tepid, “umm…yeeeaaaahhhh….”. Upon opening the door I found that my step child had indeed needed to poop. There was so much apparently that it was smeared on the child, the walls, the toilet, the sink, and every towel within reach. We then agreed that a shower was in order. I had lost an argument long after it was over.
Step Three: Occasionally have fun at their expense. It’s OK. You’ll all look back and laugh about it later. Maybe. Probably not. My wife and I brought the kids up to meet my parents for the first time, and things went relatively well. We spent the night and the following day we took a ride to a nursery for flowers. On the way, I mentioned to my daughter that my mom charged 5 dollars per meal, and I didn’t have enough for hers. Since she was already in the hole 15 dollars, she probably wouldn’t be eating much anymore. My mom and wife, in shock that I’d lie to a 5 year old like that, said nothing. My daughter on the other hand, tearfully begged my mom for more food and promised she’d pay her later. I’m pretty sure I haven’t been forgiven.
Step Four: A little embarrassment is healthy. My wife, who for some reason is still married to me, left the kids and I to go grocery shopping. I should have known better. It probably would have been better to pay a babysitter or some stranger on the corner to watch them. Instead, I dutifully trucked them on over to Wal-Mart. There, we battled over toys, food, pushing the cart, riding in the cart, more toys, more food, and running over customers. Finally, at my wits end, I very loudly exclaimed, “THAT’S IT. THE FOSTER PROGRAM IS OVER AND I’M GIVING YOU BACK TO THE COUNTY.” The kids turned bright red and behaved for the rest of the trip. On the other hand, there were quite a few judgmental looks cast in my direction. Ahh the joys of parenthood.
Step Five: Use their sarcasm against them. I am proud of the kids for responding to my sarcasm with quick wit of their own. Frankly, I think they may surpass me someday. On the other hand, it’s not always ideal. Teaching them that there is a time and a place for everything is difficult. My son, who always struggled with time and place, always chose the dinner table for inappropriate sarcasm. Any time there was a long pause in the conversation, he’d interject with “So last night I was balls deep in this guy.” Having been teenagers once ourselves, we were permissive with the types of conversations we had at dinner. However, I grew bored of the same line night after night. One night, as the chatter died and he was about to turn his phrase, I jumped in with “So last night I was balls deep in your mom…” He never used that particular phrase again. On the other hand, I’m not sure my wife was thrilled with my solution.
Obviously, I’m not going to be up for any awards. Hell, I’m probably lucky CYS wasn’t called on me for some of this crap. On the other hand, both kids are turning out to be pretty well adjusted individuals. They think for themselves, help others when they can, and try to do the right thing (mostly). I believe that by challenging them with sarcasm and wit, they have learned to think and react quickly. I see it every day in our conversations. I have to work much harder to debate them or pull the wool over their eyes. Dad of the year? No, not me. Not ever. I am proud to say I’ve managed not to turn them into monsters though. I get points for that right? I mean, they did live through it all.
Photo Credit: Pedro Vezini/flickr