A year later I sit in the rain, a semi-warm Dunkin’ Donuts latte, and my fall clothes.
I realized it’s been a year of ending a friendship that might as well have been a relationship. With it’s dramatic twists and turns, mixed feelings and fights that were far out of character for two people who called themselves friends.
I’d realized that after such a long time, I’d finally let those demons in the past. I’d completely separated from them. And now, I could look back at the memories and see them for what they were.
Me being fucked up? Yes. But also, my complete lack of confidence.
I’ve struggled lately with focus.
So many people tell us to settle. To figure out when we have a good thing and just try not to muck it up with our overthinking or passions or (god forbid) real feelings. Lately, it’s just feeling like I’ve gotten better at making firm decisions, even when they are hard.
I guess what I’m trying to say here is that I always knew what I wanted and what I didn’t want. He was someone I didn’t want, but I’d convinced myself that I did want him. That I should want him. And if I didn’t want him, who was I any longer?
Would I abandon something that, as far as everyone else could see, made sense?
I’m learning that being with people for the sake of being with people is dumb. It’s like applying for jobs you already know you hate. Or choosing to spend time with people who actually make you feel shitty and then wondering “why oh why do I feel like garbage?”
All of these are choices. I think that’s the right word. Choices.
And if I’m not in love with them, I finally know I can let them go.
Originally published on P.S. I Love You
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