I remember the first time I really got some sexy texts from a lover. On the one hand, he had a way with words. He was able to sculpt them perfectly and sent me many short firecrackers that seemed ignite my whole body in flames. At the same time, the rain of sexts didn’t happen overnight, and for that I am thankful. In fact, being with him taught me how to both give and receive the best sexy texts of my life.
We met on an online dating site. Even though he knew I was looking for a lover, he didn’t immediately send me a dick pic or a graphic paragraph of what he wanted to do with/to me. To that end, I’ll say, Create connection. One conversation, a few texts, a few messages, might not be enough. If you’re playing the long game, take a breath. Even if you’re playing the short game, connection is key.
Make sure it’s consensual. A non-consensual graphic picture or comment can be an instant turn-off. Instead, consider the following: the man I met online asked if he could send me a sexy text. He asked. Crazy, right? I had never met him in person, and I’m insatiably curious, so I said sure, but with the caveat that I wanted to keep things pretty tame. If you’re not sure about sending a sexy text, ask, “What would you think about receiving a sexy text?” This is the place for an enthusiastic “yes.” An “I guess,” is not enthusiastic.
So, she says, “Yes. I’d love a sexy text.” Start slowly. My lover began by talking about stroking my hair. I love to have someone stroke my hair. It feels wonderful. But in this case, I realized that even that—yes, that small gesture—was too much. Why? Because we hadn’t met in person, and I didn’t yet know if we’d have chemistry. I let him know while I loved that he had taken the risk to text me something very sweet and sensual, I realized it was a bit too much. No harm; no foul. I didn’t rake him over the coals (no need). He appreciated the gentle boundary and lack of judgment.
Later on, we did meet. Sparks flew. It was game on. Was it the time to send a dick pic? Not yet. Hold off on sexy revealing pictures unless she explicitly says she wants one. Remember, some people love the look of an uncovered cock. Others want things to be suggestive. When in doubt, err on the side of suggestive. Be a tease. Have fun with it. Most of the women I queried about sexting told me they don’t want pictures. A few outliers are voyeurs but also wanted to be asked before receiving a picture.
Those were pictures, so what about words? My own default mode tends to be towards poetry – stay with me here – but I also know some people just write bad poetry. If so, look towards others. Don’t steal it, put a line like, “Pablo Neruda once said . . . “ But if you really want to up your game, consider sending some haiku. First line: five syllables. Second line: seven syllables. Third line: five syllables. Again, I tend to like to tease and be teased like this:
Sweet and sultry dreams
lips tongues fingers tangled tight
a dreamer’s tango.
What you’re going for is something that awakens the senses, gives a snapshot of possibility, then just leaves it there to bloom in the hothouse of desire. Sexy Haiku by Nick Brooks does a fabulous job with this. There is also a haiku generator where you can plug in your own words. Don’t feel committed to the outcome, but use it as a beginning to sculpt your own piece.
What if you want more? You’re aching to send the big kahuna, the mother of all sexy mothers, the multi-page Moby Dick of epic sexy tales? By now, you know: slow down and actively find out if she wants it. Check in as you go along. “How was that? Want me to continue?” Is she into a novel of explicit details? or just a paragraph? Some people just aren’t into erotica. If she’s a Hell, Yes, then go for it. Paint a scenario ripe with the senses, where she can imagine herself as a consenting participant in your fantasy (or better yet, find out HER fantasy and write a piece based on that).
Consider progression. You could start sending messages about something sensual: sharing a piece of decadent chocolate cake, the touch of hand on hand. If she wants, move on to kisses. I often think of the base system: first, second, third . . . If one base goes well, and she wants more, then give it. If it doesn’t go so well, back off. Above all, have fun with it and get consent as you continue.
Check your own expectations. Are you expecting her to respond in kind, with her own sexy texts? Some people are into that, and some aren’t. Ask her if she wants to send her own sexy texts. If not, are you okay with her just enjoying your own missives?
As a friend of mine said, “It is more a dance of impromptu erotica. Just being hyper-explicit isn’t going to titillate; it is necessary to tease and be coy, and vary between innuendo and smut.” When done well, consensual sexting is truly a foreplay hors d’oeuvre. When done poorly and non-consensually, you may as well have saved your energy for your own one-handed read.
Photo credit: Getty Images