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Recently, an important interview with Jane Fonda has been making its way around the web. She’s given two minutes to talk to her captive audience about anything. With candor, authenticity, and poignancy, she expresses concern for our sons. Her plea is that we “do everything we can to keep our sons emotionally literate…and capable of intimacy, compassion, and empathy.”
Hear! Hear! Her voice joins the chorus of voices that can be found right here on The Good Men Project. She’s singing our song, right? The problem with this is that good ideas and important thoughts don’t solve the problem. If we really want to answer the question about what we can do about our sons, we have to move from great thought to inspired action.
We have to admit our prejudices.
It’s all well and good to hit that “like” button when we see a viral video of a boy showing awareness, sensitivity, or empathy. However, if we get down and dirty with this issue, there are times for many of us when observing an emotionally literate boy will challenge our perceptions of masculinity. It might be when they cry. It might be when they seek affection. It might be when they want to express themselves through the arts. At any point in time, our views of masculinity will be challenged. We have to be honest with ourselves about the uncomfortable parts so we can examine them, challenge them, and learn from them. We have to admit that they are there and be willing to change our perceptions.
We have to let go of our fears.
Encouraging boys to be more vulnerable as they move through the world can make us afraid. We worry that boys will be bullied if they are “too sensitive”. We want boys to be capable of intimacy and compassion but worry that the big, bad world will eat them alive. Worry sets in that challenging stereotypes will make lives harder for boys.
Let’s be honest. It’s true. Boys may be questioned, picked on, or bullied if they appear too different from the norm. This isn’t a reason not to make changes to how we talk to boys about their feelings and their relationships. Staying silent forces them into the same old paradigms that we are trying to shift. Change isn’t easy or comfortable. However, while teaching boys to tune into themselves, we can also teach them ways of responding to a society and culture that is still behind the times.
Changes don’t have to put boys in a victim role.
Part of building emotional intelligence is learning to cope when the world doesn’t go our way. We fear these moments but they don’t have to paralyze us. Of course we don’t want our boys to feel this pain but, sometimes, it can only be in feeling pain that we learn to tune in to and experience joy. This is a crucial skill set for boys to have if they truly are going to grow into emotionally literate men.
We need to model healthy relationships for our boys.
Boys need to see relationships where men are comfortable expressing difficult emotions. They need to see affection that is separate from sexual relationships. At some point in pre-teen years, we stop casually touching boys. They lose the hand on the shoulder or arm around their back. We pull back from that. It’s a dangerous game we play because we run the risk of confusing boys. They start to learn that affection is only shared between a man and his partner and as we pull back, they do, too. It’s right around the time that boys lose casual affection that they also stop talking about their feelings. It’s not an unfortunate coincidence. It’s a clear example of cause and effect. We need to feel connected to share feelings. When we interrupt, break, or change connections, it makes it harder to talk about feelings. It’s that break that interrupts emotional intelligence and connectedness.
We have to show vulnerability and respect the vulnerability in others.
No one wants to talk about the tough stuff and many people simply don’t know how because they’ve never seen it done. If we model for boys how to share disappointments, heartaches, and fears, they learn from our example. By putting ourselves out there, boys learn to do the same. By demonstrating compassion and sensitivity when others are vulnerable, boys start to feel comfortable taking risks and sharing their more personal experiences.
We have to focus our education and advocacy on the adults.
The kids are already starting to get it. Boys are not born with an instinctive desire to be private and not talk about their feelings. When they are three years old and fueled by biologic instincts, they cry when they fall or get startled. They seek comfort from their parents when they are scared. They are sensitive to their peers at school who may be impaired in some way. It’s when they start to see the world around them and internalize its messages that they start to pull back, withhold, and become guarded. We have to change what they see by continuing to challenge adults to think differently about masculinity. We have to question and call out gender stereotypes and we have to encourage today’s men to take some risks and connect more to their emotions. We have to provide today’s boys with new examples of what it means to “be a man”.
We have to ask boys how they are feeling and be prepared to accept their answers.
One natural consequence of our gender stereotypes is that girls more easily identify with feeling sad while boys more readily identify with anger. This can be hard for us adults to handle. Sometimes, I think it’s why we stop asking boys how they are feeling. Boys need to be able to talk about and express their anger in order to understand it. They need adults to listen to their darkness without judgment and without assumption. That can be hard for many. Our tolerance for sitting with someone who is depressed is higher. Once we remind ourselves that anger is often depression turned inside out, we can find our compassion and empathy and we can learn to sit with a boy’s anger. Once we do, he often calms and learns to connect with the vulnerability and sadness that his anger is shielding him from.
We have to bust up stereotypes at every opportunity.
We can send crying children to their fathers for comfort. We can give dads the opportunity to model compassion and empathy. We must keep casual touch in our sons’ lives. Praising and appreciating boys for talking about their feelings and connecting will validate their risks and experiences. We can share our worries, fears, and frustrations. We don’t have to keep our wish for them a secret. Being transparent about the importance of connecting and relating will guide boys in the direction we hope for them. We will be providing them a guidebook for how to live, feel, and love. That’s the power that can be found in changing our behavior. We know what to do about our sons. We just have to do it.
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All well and good. As long as our sons are not deprived of a loving father. Most break-up of husband and wives also removes the child from the father.
I think it’s just as important that we ourselves (speaking as a mom) learn that boys are different physiologically and the sexes typically have very different brains and naturally express our emotions very differently – boys more showing it with body language and girls through communication verbally. We should value this while improving both sides.
Difficult article for me to respond to. I appreciate the situation of those men or boys who have been taught to bury their real emotions from actual events, and have suffered because of it. I also understand that their suffering usually translates into suffering for others in their lives. And I support those who, as in the case of this article, try to help those with actual problems recover from them. At the same time, I’ve seen article after article trying to deal with the perceived problem that, generally speaking, men and boys are not as emotionally involved in things… Read more »
Though I think it’s a complex issue (I don’t know if boys will, on average, ever be as emotionally open as girls), I applaud attempts to instill in in boys “emotional literacy.” But I also think it’s very important to encourage boys become just plain literate as well, i.e., do as well in school as they can. They have not gotten nearly the attention in this area as girls have, and it clearly shows up in data. I recently published here and on the Psychology Today site an open letter to President Obama urging him to devote attention to the… Read more »
I was reading through some of the counter arguments to this article. They would address the fact that an emotional boy would face challenges in today’s society as they grew up. Sharing their feelings might get them further in trouble with women who aren’t willing to understand or accept their issues. There are certainly good points to be made with the consequences of well-meaning strategies of child rearing. But in a larger sense, gender equality, like all movements of social justice, exists within a cultural catch-22. You take a cause which you believe to be just and reasonable (like teaching… Read more »
Paul. I loved what you had to say and I think you have an article of your own, here. I encourage you to contact Good Men to write something up. Thanks for such a thoughtful response that takes this discussion in a new direction.
Heather – Thank you, I enjoyed the article. YES. I think that in the cultural dynamics of gender, we need lots of education and communication – from both sides – to give boys and girls what they need to thrive in the world we’re living in. We’re all carrying the responsibility for our future. I’ve been working with men in men’s groups (mankindproject.org) for nearly a decade now, and emotional intelligence is one of our key practices. Emotional MATURITY is the outcome we’re looking for. Sensitivity, empathy, self-awareness – these are all core – with RADICAL personal responsibility being the… Read more »
If you really want to understand boys better it might be a good start to see if they have a different way to process emotions. we all need safety to process emotions and boys and girls have different places to feel safe. I wrote a recent blog post on helping women understand men and emotions you can see it here http://menaregood.com
Hi Tom I visited your blog and read the articles. If this is true, then living with a man will aways be a lonely thing. You write: “”However, it is likely that your husband uses some type of action to tell his story and if you know how he does it you will be in a much better position to both understand him and connect with him. But how does he do it?” I probably need to read your article many times until I get it. My question is :” why are they afraid of the women they are with?”.… Read more »
Hi Iben – Glad you had a look. Actually, I would suggest you have a look at the second article in that series about why men’s emotional pain is invisible. It may help you understand why he tends to choose to not publicize his emotional pain. you can find it here: http://menaregood.com/wordpress/why-is-it-that-mens-grief-is-so-invisible/ Women will rarely understand this difference since they are treated very differently from men. A woman’s emotional pain is often seen as a call to action while a man’s emotional pain is more a taboo and is avoided. Men know this very well and are not dumb enough… Read more »
Hi Tom I will return to your blog to learn more. Just remember that what you say here is not aways true “”””Women will rarely understand this difference since they are treated very differently from men. A woman’s emotional pain is often seen as a call to action while a man’s emotional pain is more a taboo and is avoided. “””” If women’s and girls pains was responded to we would not have many woman with serious emotional disorders. The whole register of disorders from neuroses,personalty disorders to psychoses disorders are seen in women. You do not develop them if… Read more »
Hmmm. Do you seriously think that women and men get similar treatment from the public when they emote? It continues to seem that you are flooded in your feminine viewpoint. This is not at all unusual. Women simply lack the experience of growing up as boys and don’t really have much of a clue about a boy’s experience or a man’s experience. Try this exercise and see what you come up with.
http://rickbelden.com/blog/2010/08/28/tom-golden-crying-in-public/
Hear Hear* Just saying lol
Ha! Good catch! And to think I thought I was going to get blasted for “its ways”. Oops!
This article was just posted on the site. I think it compliments what I am trying to say here.
https://goodmenproject.com/uncategorized/andrew-smiler-five-suggestions-for-talking-to-a-boy-about-difficult-topics/
Kudos to you, today the male is lost and needs direction. Male energy is often looked upon with fear and shame only to be suppressed and this has not been good for anyone mostly the women who have to deal with the Rage that is the result… Books like Iron John and organizations like the Mankind Project address these issues head on! and let men be men without shame or guilt. keep up the great work.
I am an editor of a parenting magazine in South Africa and I have shared this with my readers. The perception of masculinity and what boys should and shouldn’t do is a real problem in our society and I believe is why we are such a violent and paternalistic one with a huge rape culture to boot. While this blog isn’t going to change everyone or everything I enjoyed (especially as a mother to a son) the practical tips and advice as a starting point to changing our way of thinking. Thank you!
How thrilling to be a part of an international conversation. Thank you for sharing the article, Jenny. I’d be interested to know about the responses you get,
A good summary of what’s needed. The new generation of Dads who are stay at home get this. Unintentionally, my life has led me to be more emotionally aware of myself and others. Our focus in our house is for our son and daughter to be more self-aware. It’s a worthwhile journey for all of us.
Brilliant thoughtful article. I will apply some of your ideas at home with my 6yo son.
Thank you.
A worthwhile read.
Good article. I grew up without a father in the home and as far as I am able I tend to be a pretty sensitive man. Some of this i attribute to my physicality, I’m short and thin and thus from the get haven’t completely fit into a hetero-normative narrative of what it means to be masculine. But, ironically the person who tried the hardest in my life to impose a much more standard view of masculinity was my mother. Part of why she did that was to protect me from what she perceived as a world that would take… Read more »
AC, You and others have talked about a need to educate women on masculinity when men are vulnerable and I absolutely agree, I don’t think women are well educated about this and male vulnerability tends to be met with defensiveness, What you’re talking about here is that we are preaching to the choir in a way–we’re talking to men who get it already but are frustrated when their awareness isn’t accepted. I do think women need to be challenged and educated in their response to men when men are direct and expressive. Maybe that’ll be my next piece. Better yet,… Read more »
Heather, your message means well. But raising Emotionally Literate Boys isn’t going to solve any of their problems alone. Because, whether you agree or not, we still live in a world that prefers the pain of boys and men be swept under the rug. Sure, boys may be in tune with their emotions and capable of expressing their wants and feelings with your proposal but that’s not going to mean anything so long as society prefers to turn a blind eye towards their plight anyway. Male victims of sexual abuse/domestic violence, boys victims of rape, boys falling behind in education,… Read more »
I don’t think any single blog or thought will solve all of the problems alone. I see emotional literacy as one step or skill set that boys need to manage a whole host of problems they might face. Absolutely, we have to change perceptions of our society and culture when men express themselves, I just couldn’t cover all of that in a single piece.
Eagle, I think that maybe with boys learning to improve their emotional skills will at one point contribute to convince the world that men are also humans and that will be to great help into solving the issues you mention.
Yes, but first people have to be willing to consider that notion of men as human beings. So far, society still has a major problem with that.
I do agree that they for the most dont see men as humans but either thugs, rapist or super privileged kids without a clue. And these stereotypes are also still prevalent (sadly) between feminist’s. But IMO one dont exclude the others, showing emotion IMO will also help breaking the firewall of stupidity surrounding the image of men.
Heather, While I can tell you have good intentions, I’m not sure you’re qualified to give optimal parenting advice to just everyone. One big clue to me is you make it sound like there’s just one way to “fix” boys, like we guys are all psychologically uniform, which is in addition modeled after your feminine, and personal, expectations. From my end, it sounds like you want to mold men to your needs, ie you want them to talk about their feelings to balance out the fact that a lot of women need to do just that as part of their… Read more »
I absolutely believe you and your experience. You’re right that there are times when boys are encouraged to talk, only to have it used against them. You raise an important point about helping kids discern who is “safe” to talk to. That, as you imply, also means helping kids cope when that safe person isn’t their parent. I know, too, that this pattern can only continue to interpersonal relationships, as your experience has been. It was not at all my intention to show only one way of parenting boys. I wasn’t trying to make boys more sensitive–merely giving boys who… Read more »
Any time a man becomes vulnerable, women treat the vulnerability as a weakness and quite frequently use the opportunity to disrespect the man, degrade him, belittle him. Men should not talk to women. That would be one way for them to become a little more emotionally literate. And if women do not see the vulnerability was weakness, they view the man as probably homosexual, since “real” men don’t show emotions. This is one the main reasons why men get turned off to women in general. It’s why the pickings for women is going down. All the beautiful men, men capable… Read more »
Any time a man becomes vulnerable, women treat the vulnerability as a weakness and quite frequently use the opportunity to disrespect the man, degrade him, belittle him. Men should not talk to women. That would be one way for them to become a little more emotionally literate. And if women do not see the vulnerability was weakness, they view the man as probably homosexual, since “real” men don’t show emotions. This is one the main reasons why men get turned off to women in general. It’s why the pickings for women is going down. All the beautiful men, men capable… Read more »
Interesting article, since in many cases the biggest gender ‘policing’ of small boys comes from their mothers. I speak from experience.
Chaz, I agree. I have noticed this, too, at times. I’d be interested to know about your experience and what you are referring to. My story about it has been that any parent has a hard time seeing “intense” (for lack of a better word) emotion in their kids. However, when it’s a son, it hits harder because “it is so unlike them” to get upset so parents rush in to shut it down and problem solve it away. I am not sure the intent is so much as to police emotions away all the time. Sometimes, like I said… Read more »
I also think Moms bear the brunt of societal judgement about how their kid’s behave – and, since anger is a big no-no in our culture, moms can often freeze up and/or try to shut that expression down so as not to feel the intense judgement that can come our way if we have the ‘wrong kind of kid’. I’m not trying to say it’s OK, but I think it’s important to look at the deeper cut of *why* these things happen, so we can address them most effectively… As the mom of a (very expressed!) boy, I have really… Read more »
Heather, thank you for challenging us to think about our prejudices and fears when it comes to raising our sons to be emotionally literate.
Thanks, Marie for your interest. I am happy to have contributed to this important conversation.