—
Over the holidays, a beautiful yet draining 5-month long sexting relationship with a man who I’ve known for almost three years ended. Most would consider him a highly conscious and evolved man. And for the most part, he is. He’s devoted to teaching children about bushcraft and has taken the time for inner exploration. He champions women’s equality and the feminine. I saw him display the healthy masculine qualities of humility, motivation, stability and presence. He also embodied the aware feminine energies of compassion, intuition, honesty and passion.
Technically, he did and said all the right things during our intimate encounters. He asked for consent, expressed his tenderness and his primal urges. He encouraged and stayed present with me and honored my nakedness with sacred reverence. This allowed me to feel safe in surrendering and being fully witnessed and held.
Then, as time passed, I became aware of a dynamic that I’ve encountered with several amazing and conscious lovers. That was, he hadn’t taken full responsibility for his own emotional well-being as it related to his sexual shadow work. I began to slowly draw my peddles inward and shut down sexually as this awareness grew in me, becoming increasingly confused and drained. I voiced my concerns but the communication between us still began to break down and my willingness to share became less frequent. This seems all too common among certain men in our culture and I’d like to address this dynamic here.
Wield your sexual power carefully.
In many indigenous cultures, a man had to be initiated to be deemed equipped to wield his sexual power. Sex was viewed as something to be celebrated, rather than used to constrain and shame. With centuries of repression of men’s primal sexuality, vast distortions have been created. This denied them the insights that can be garnered with inner exploration and full emotional attention. How can a man take full responsibility without this?
Many men may blindly use their burgeoning sexual power without a willingness to do their shadow work. That work requires bringing their unconscious patterns to their own awareness. This seems to me like an obvious enough self-inquiry as men venture down the road of self-empowerment. Shadow work would allow them to gain tools for conscious communication and relating. They could then join alongside women to birth an unprecedented balance between feminine and masculine. Within and outside of themselves.
The downside here is that a boost of sexual power may illuminate game playing, blind spots, emotional vacancies, shame and manipulation of ego-self and others. Men might begin to use their sexual energy to get a quick release or distract themselves from the mundane. They might receive validation from a woman without respecting her needs or even use that energy to feed an unconscious need or addiction. These inner agendas can be manifestations of cultural, religious and political imperatives. This may seem commonsensical enough but is not always recognised as such.
The upside is that these illuminations are gifts and pointers for men to explore themselves. They help to restore the balance of expansion and support deep shadow work. This actively creates self-trust and brings a sense of safety to the man and the woman. That is if they’re both willing to do their shadow work and integrate and embody it fully.
Track your shadows.
It’s possible to track your shadows by observing how they show up and drive your behavior. It’s a conscious choice and you need to be willing to look deep within while holding compassion for yourself and your intimate partner.
This isn’t to say we get rid of or denounce our shadows and patterns, but rather, we track (watch and record) and experience them. The next step in working towards possible renunciation from acting out our shadows is finding the tools to do so. All the while keeping in mind that certain hooks can come into play which are akin to what the Tibetans call Shenpa, which literally means “attachment”.
It’s similar to wanting to scratch a repeating itch. And our natural tendency is to want to find comfort in these moments. We may experience feelings of contraction, unease, anger and self-denigration or want to blame ourselves or another.
We may want to turn to sex for comfort – the very thing that has brought light to the shadow aspects of ourselves. With the practice of self-responsibility, we then have a tool to witness and relax into our shadows and regain confidence in our own wisdom. We thus create greater self-reliance and another layer of safety. This seems practical and easy enough in theory, but can be hard to maintain.
By openly voicing your intentions with your partner, they can then feel acknowledged, mutable and laced with purity. This also helps to dissolve any feelings of shame and guilt they may have. Given the way our society has shaped masculine ideals, it can be difficult for men to express their vulnerabilities-especially with an intimate partner. Most women understand the power of communicating and exploring in this way.
Women are learning too.
Men, have faith that women are also learning and leaning into receiving your openness. The experience with my ex-partner was a profound initiation on my part as well. Women generally, tend to be extremely attracted to a man’s expressions of authenticity, transparency and a willingness to take a good hard look at himself. Especially as it relates to sexuality and intimacy.
Allowing yourself and your partner to make conscious decisions in terms of sexual engagement, creates yet another layer of safety. Your sexual partner needs to be willing to receive your candor. We as women, need to offer the space for our men to venture through this terrain. Revering their willingness to unveil their inner reality, both to themselves and another.
With our superficial, quick fix, bypassing, shame-throwing and staying busy material culture, this isn’t always easy. Our cultural influences tend to discourage our sensitivity and don’t always acknowledge the power of inner exploration. It’s no surprise then that many men are lacking the opportunity for self-responsibility or supporting the creation of safety on a collective scale.
Why not allow our men to honor these gifts of deep inner exploration? Let’s embrace the creative, transformative, restorative and revitalizing energy, that reclaiming their natural sexuality imparts upon both men and women. This is his birthright.
***
What’s Next? Talk with others. Take action.
We are proud of our SOCIAL INTEREST GROUPS—WEEKLY PHONE CALLS to discuss, gain insights, build communities— and help solve some of the most difficult challenges the world has today. Calls are for Members Only (although you can join the first call for free). Not yet a member of The Good Men Project? Join below!
RSVP for Intersectionality Calls
—
Join the Conscious Intersectionality FACEBOOK GROUP here. Includes our new call series on Human Rights.
Join The Good Men Project Community
All levels get to view The Good Men Project site AD-FREE. The $50 Platinum Level is an ALL-ACCESS PASS—join as many groups and classes as you want for the entire year. The $25 Gold Level gives you access to any ONE Social Interest Group and ONE Class–and other benefits listed below the form. Or…for $12, join as a Bronze Member and support our mission, and have a great ad-free viewing experience.
Register New Account
Please note: If you are already a writer/contributor at The Good Men Project, log in here before registering. (Request new password if needed).
◊♦◊
ANNUAL PLATINUM membership ($50 per year) includes:
1. AN ALL ACCESS PASS — Join ANY and ALL of our weekly calls, Social Interest Groups, classes, workshops and private Facebook groups. We have at least one group phone call or online class every day of the week.
2. See the website with no ads when logged in!
3. MEMBER commenting badge.
***
ANNUAL GOLD membership ($25 per year) includes all the benefits above — but only ONE Weekly Social Interest Group and ONE class.
***
ANNUAL BRONZE membership ($12 per year) is great if you are not ready to join the full conversation but want to support our mission anyway. You’ll still get a BRONZE commenting badge, and you can pop into any of our weekly Friday Calls with the Publisher when you have time. This is for people who believe—like we do—that this conversation about men and changing roles and goodness in the 21st century is one of the most important conversations you can have today.
♦◊♦
We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.
Photo Credit: Image from iStock by Getty Images