I have plenty of experience being the only Black friend that a white person has. In theory, two human beings sharing some common interests or values, such as a love of literature or altruism should be enough for a friendship to thrive. However, all too often, that isn’t the case with interracial relationships.
White supremacy poisons them because whites are conditioned to believe that they are smarter, more talented, or more competent than any BIPOC person they befriend. Consequently, a relationship that should be egalitarian by nature winds up with a power imbalance that benefits the white person.
So how can a white person do better by their Black friends? Here are some of the ways:
1. Value our existence as much as you do your white friends.
Black people don’t exist solely for white people’s entertainment. Expecting us to dance or rap on command because we’re supposedly so good at it is dehumanizing as such assumptions render Black people akin to show ponies. Plus, not every Black person is a good dancer or rapper. Ask yourself if you would ask any white friend of yours to do those things. If the answer is no, don’t subject your Black friend to that kind of treatment. We are unique individuals just like any white person.
Also, don’t center yourself, especially when the topic of discussion is racism. Getting defensive about race can make your Black friend feel invalidated. Sometimes, it’s best to just listen and validate our experience, which I understand is difficult when you have no inkling of what it’s like to be persecuted for something you had no control over.
Lastly, when you’re not around, our lives go on, too. Our joy, our trials, and our tribulations are just as meaningful as yours.
2. It’s OK to use the term “Black” now and then.
White people often go out of their way to avoid mentioning our race in conversation because they wish to be seen as non-racist. They are also conditioned to be colorblind. However, avoiding even mentioning our race is counterproductive because Black people often view the colorblind approach as evidence that a white person is indeed racist, especially when race is relevant.
Granted, it would be demeaning to drop our race in front of such words as “wedding” or “kiss.” We don’t say “white wedding,” or “white kiss” do we? At the same time, while we don’t want to be so defined by our race that it becomes an aspect of everything we are and do, white people don’t always have to contort themselves to avoid mentioning it either. Sometimes, their attempts to avoid mentioning our race are comical. It’s perfectly fine for you to tell someone “My friend Vena is Black.”
3. Be as willing to spend time in our spaces as we are to spend time in yours.
There are plenty of white people who never set foot in the homes of Black people they claim to be friends with. Avoiding our neighborhoods and by extension, our homes, sends a message that you don’t value us highly or that you believe that we’re inherently violent. I have lived in predominantly Black neighborhoods for most of my adult life and I’m still alive.
Additionally, due to white supremacy, white people have many more spaces to congregate. The limited number of spaces afforded to Black people was often created as a reaction to being mistreated or excluded from those dominated by whites.
While white people never have to occupy a Black space if they don’t want to, Black people often need to occupy white spaces to survive as whites hold all the power. That distinction is important. If you are invited to spend time in a Black space, be respectful by not dominating the conversation or centering yourself. You have plenty of other opportunities to shine and be the center of attention every day. In our house, you should play by our rules and let us be free to be ourselves.
4. Don’t whitesplain oppression.
I can’t count the number of times when I’ve recounted something about the oppression that Black people experience only to be told by a white person, “Well, the (Irish) (Italians)(Jews) (etc.) had it bad too.”
This is not to say that the prejudice or anti-Semitism that the Irish, Italians, or Jews ever experienced isn’t valid. There’s a time and place to address their past or current challenges. However, that time is not when your Black friend is telling you about the trauma they experience as a Black person.
Black people are born into a society that is hostile to our existence. The media, our education system, and just about every other institution in America teaches us to hate our Black skin, despise our kinky hair, detest our broad noses, and everything else about our bodies and our culture. It takes tremendous effort to unlearn the negative conditioning we receive about ourselves as we must literally dig through sometimes scant resources to find books, movies, and other artifacts that depict us in a non-stereotypical light. Some of us never learn to accept ourselves. As white people are regarded as society’s default, they never need to go to such lengths to accept themselves as we do.
5. Hold other white people accountable.
It isn’t enough to do anti-racist work on yourself. You need to show your work by calling out racist remarks or behavior. I’m aware that many whites have racist parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, fraternity brothers, sorors, and so on. They aren’t always willing to cut their racist inner circle off. However, giving them a pass on their racism only perpetuates it and causes further harm to more people. Calling out their racism doesn’t mean that you’ll change their minds. You won’t. Calling them out means that you are taking a stand and expressing your belief that their words or behavior are unacceptable.
Black people are some of the most loyal and resilient people around but many don’t care to know us because we are on the lowest rung on the totem pole of social acceptance in our society. It would be nice to know if other people had our backs.
© Vena Moore 2023
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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