A good breakup will make your life better than a bad relationship ever could.
I’m all for saving what is, but sometimes you aren’t meant to be. You’ve got differences impossible to work through. As we say in Germany: “Everything has an end; only the sausage has two.”
Breaking up is more than a simple “we’re over.” Severing a long-lasting connection involves strong emotions and old memories. There’s a high potential for drama, tears, and “let’s please try this one last time!”
Even if the breakup goes well, there are more questions to answer. What about the stuff you own together? Should you stay in contact? How about common friends? Should you split them 50/50, or do you meet them on Fridays and your ex on Saturdays?
Altogether, breakups can be a huge source of trouble, pain, and drama. But they don’t have to.
Thanks to years of commitment issues, I’ve broken up with a lot of women. I’ve made some cataclysmic mistakes that I paid for with broken china, stolen money, and nasty messages — but I’ve learned from them.
Do you want to break up but don’t know how to? Have you been dropped like a hot potato before and don’t want to put your partner through the same pain? Or do you just want to know how to break up gracefully and without drama?
Here’s how to do it like a mature adult, stay drama free, and have a speedy recovery.
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Get clear about if & why you want to end it
I’ve developed a very simple approach to relationships that has saved me tons of trouble. Be absolutely sure before you get into one, and be absolutely sure before you get out of one. It’s either hell yes or no.
Romantic relationships are, by their nature, emotional, but feelings are fleeting and short-sighted. Did you ever fall head over heels for someone only to ask yourself how you could be so blind a few months later? Or did you want to break up with someone only to backpedal because of last-minute doubts?
Be clear on what you want and stick with it. Avoid the grey zone. Think about your goals in life and if the partner in question will contribute to them or not. Decide and act accordingly.
Do it in person & don’t do it in public
Breaking up in person is hard, but it’s the right thing to do. Unless your soon-to-be-ex is psycho and owns a sharp axe, of course.
You’re an adult and entered a relationship, so own up to your responsibility. Ending it via text is the biggest douchebag move in the book, so grow up and suck it up.
If you can, do it at their place. Save them the walk of shame home. And for god’s sake, don’t do it in public. There will be some last words you or your ex wants to say, and being in public will limit your authenticity and how you express yourself.
Focus on the ball and don’t get emotional
The only downside to breaking up at their place is they’ll be less reluctant to scream and send dishes flying.
There isn’t a no-drama-guarantee, because you have no control over the other person, but you can do your best to prevent it. Avoid blame and simply state the fact that you two aren’t a good match for whatever reason.
It will hurt like hell, and there’s nothing wrong with shedding tears, but don’t get sucked into it. That will tear open the wounds even more and make you question your decision based on shortsighted emotions, which is never a good idea. The cake’s been baked and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Don’t try to make them feel better
I’ve been there, and I know it’s incredibly hard. As you mouth the words, you see their world shatter. You’ve been with them for years, you’ve loved them with all your heart, and now they’re a sobbing ball of pain curled up in front of you. Of course you want to step in and make them feel better somehow.
Be respectful, get them a tissue, or make some tea. But understand that as you end the relationship, you aren’t responsible for their emotions anymore.
Say what you have to say, listen to them, but don’t start the whole hug-caress-cuddle-passionate break-up sex cycle. Excessive comfort and nurturing will only make it harder to let go for both of you.
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Recovery Is an Active Process
Breaking up is only one side of the equation — namely, the less important one. Ending it takes an hour, the healing much longer. How you approach this time marks the difference between a healthy and speedy recovery and months of pain and misery.
Cut contact for a while
I know this takes courage and discipline, but it will save both of you more trouble and hurt than you can imagine.
Don’t go for the “let’s stay friends.” That’s like saying your dog is dead but you can keep it. It won’t bring it back to life and you’ll cry every time you see the carcass.
Research shows people who cut contact after a breakup recover much faster emotionally. Both of you need to heal and get on with your own life, which is impossible if you keep tearing up old wounds. Make this clear to the other person and block their number if they violate your boundaries.
There’s no specific timeframe, but a good rule of thumb is to take twice the time you needed to feel like you’re over them. Once you talk again, don’t force anything. If you’re meant to be friends, let it happen organically without pushing it.
Process your emotions
Now it’s finally time to focus on your healing and recovery. Even if you’re the one who broke up, you’ll face a ton of emotional turmoil. To process these feelings you have to allow and accept them. Write a journal. Talk to someone about it. Don’t fall into the trap of partying your ass off every weekend so you can numb yourself to the pain.
Invest in yourself
When you get out of a long-term relationship, it leaves a hole in your life. The effects of a break-up on your brain are similar to what drug addicts go through during withdrawal.
The best thing you can do right now is to invest in yourself and focus on rebuilding your identity.
Learn from the relationship. Sort out your issues. Focus on personal growth. Most important, reconnect with who you are. Get involved in your hobbies, passions, or work. Spend time with old friends. Get your sense of self back.
Take time before you get back into the game
Every end is a new beginning. But if you haven’t ended properly, you’ll get off on the wrong foot.
I’ve been through this enough times to know how it works. After the first few days or weeks of sulking, you’ll have at least one eye open for a bit of fun and distraction.
Only date again once you’re legitimately excited to do so. Anything else will only slow down the healing process. The only woman I ever regretted sleeping with was right after a breakup. It didn’t feel right, but I did it anyway, because that’s what you do, right? You get out, distract yourself, and see that there is plenty of other fish in the sea.
It’s not worth it. Focus on your own life. Become happy by yourself first, learn to be alone, and then get back into the game with a clean slate.
. . .
Life Will Go On
Breakups are tough. Navigating emotionally-charged waters isn’t easy, but you’ll save yourself a lot of drama and trouble by sticking to a few simple rules.
- Get clear about if & why you want to end it
- Do it in person & don’t do it in public
- Focus on the ball & don’t get emotional
- Don’t try to make them feel better
- Cut contact for a while
- Process your emotions
- Invest in yourself
- Give yourself time before you get back into the game
It’s not easy to call it quits, but the right path often isn’t the most comfortable one. A failed relationship can throw you off course, but always remember that life will go on.
It’s the most cliché thing to say, but that’s because it’s true. Earth will keep turning, the sun will shine again, and if you put in the work, your next relationship will be worth everything you’ve gone through before.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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