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Okay, so everyone agrees we’re supposed to call out sexist behavior when we see it, correct? When we see a co-worker’s ass being slapped and referred to as “breakfast,” we have some obligation to say something along the lines of, “Hey, stop that.” When we see someone being ignored or spoken of dismissively based on gender, we’re obliged to step in and to try to call out the behavior, and change the person engaging in it, right?
Good? Good. We’re on the same page.
Well, here’s the problem: we almost never go over how to actually do this. We just say, “Call out sexism!” and then walk away, having explained nothing about how to, you know, FUNDAMENTALLY CHANGE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.
It’s like leaving your broken down Volkswagen in a stranger’s driveway, telling them “If you don’t fix this, you’re a shitty ally,” and then walking away. The result of this is that when we do call out sexism, we either timidly say something under our breath that registers with nobody, or we militantly and combatively call someone sexist, and only succeed in making the whole room feel awkward.
Since we don’t know how to make an impact, we don’t really try. Instead, we call people out to feel more defiantly on the right side of history, and to get some imaginary woke points. The result is that you change the amount of sexism in the world by 0.0%.
So maybe we should turn our focus more towards doing this in a way that actually gets results. Here are some steps that I think can help dramatically when we’re calling out sexism.
1. Retire the Phrase “Calling Out”
The entire sentiment of the phrase “calling someone out” is one of combativeness. It implies of sense of going to battle for your cause—of putting someone else on the spot, and embarrassing them.
This emphasis on embarrassing someone in a debate with your correctness is so weirdly overemphasized in our culture. This is why there are a million Youtube videos with titles like, “WATCH THIS REPUBLICAN/DEMOCRAT/PRIEST GET FUCKING OWNED ON CNN!!!11!!” (Or, I could not.) The cultural focus for convincing someone of something is about shoving your correctness in their face.
Don’t get me wrong: that is satisfying at times. Sometimes, people in your life deserve to be embarrassed about their actions. Some people are gross, are having an aggressively negative impact on the world, and are indifferent about it. And you’re probably right to think, “Man, fuck that asshole,” about these people.
But does this approach do anything? Does it change anyone? Has anyone ever been converted to something by being “DESTROYED” in a debate over ideas, or their behavior?
No. It never works, and it shouldn’t be the approach. It never does anything productive. When you’re talking specifically about someone’s behavior, chastising doesn’t get them to examine themselves. It puts them on the defensive so quickly, that their knee-jerk reaction is to call you an asshole and immediately dismiss everything you say. Congrats on your “ownage” though, jackass.
2. Remember: Basically Zero People Think They’re Sexist
Sexism is sprinkled everywhere in our society—from work, to home, to public places of courtship. There is an undercurrent in all of it of, “Women belong here, and should look like this, or they suck at being women.” It’s pervasive, and constant.
And yet, just about zero people think they’re sexist. You’ll find people that think the genders have distinct and universal roles. You’ll find people who will tell you that men and women have “separate but equal” places in society (a phrase with a wonderful historical basis). But you’ll find almost nobody who walks around, saying, “Toodily doo, men are better than women.”
This makes fixing their sexism tricky. If somebody is in denial of having cancer, you’re going to have a hell of a time convincing them to go through chemo. This is something you need to constantly remember throughout this process, so that you remember something else: don’t call anyone sexist.
Instead, move to step three.
3. Empathy: Your Trojan Horse of Criticism
In an ideal world, when someone does something sexist, you could say, “Hey dude, I think you wouldn’t have treated a man that way. You probably have some deep-seated sexist garbage in your soul that causes you to act this way, and you should probably re-examine the entirety of your fundamental being in an attempt to fix this.”
And that person would reply with a, “Yeah, you’re totally right! Man, I’m fucked up! How can I fix myself?”
But we live in no such world. Instead, even the most well-intentioned criticism of one’s character will not be heard. It will be rejected, ignored, and you will be discredited if you do this. So no matter how awful the person is, or how heinous their sexism is, you have to treat the action as an anomaly that isn’t reflective of who they are. You have to casually bring up what they’ve done, pepper in a million occurrences of, “I know you’re not really like that, but…” and constantly make them feel like you’re their ally. If they feel attacked by you for a millisecond, it’s game over. If they see you as a friend helping out, you have a chance to make a difference.
So from their perspective, you’re not trying to fix them as a person (you are). You’re just trying to show them how their words and actions might be interpreted (by anyone with ears), and how that might negatively impact things for them (more importantly, everyone else).
This may sound weak (it’s not), and dishonest (…okay, it is), but here is the good news: if you can Trojan horse your criticism into their consciousness without them ever noticing that you’re subtly eviscerating their soul, they might start to think of bigger things. If they look at one behavior critically, they may look at their thoughts more critically. It may impact the things they say and do in the future, and if you can make that happen, you can have a noticeable impact.
A sexist man won’t take a woman’s criticism seriously (because, well, he’s sexist). But he might listen to a guy talking to him empathetically, piping in buckets full of, “I get it,” “I’m the same way,” and, “I’m just looking out for you.” He might listen to someone who feels is on his team.
This is how we can use our manhood for good. We connect ourselves to sexist assholes, and subtly pull them towards us.
This is how you actually change people. You express empathy to even the creepiest, most misogynistic piece of human garbage. Find the 13-year-old within you that can relate to their behavior, and talk to them on that level, instead of talking to them as a chastising superior.
Let me be clear: they don’t deserve your empathy, but what they deserve is irrelevant. This isn’t about justice. This is about how we can try to stop sexism right now, and it starts with demonstrating empathy for assholes, getting under their skin, and planting seeds of ideas about how to be better.
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Photo credit: Getty Images