The truth about Valentine’s Day
Many years ago I set up an elaborate Valentine’s Day surprise for my new girlfriend, based on an incredible idea I stole from an episode of the classic TV game show “The Love Connection”.
One of the contestants on that show recounted to Chuck Woolery, the host, how he had invited a girl to his house for dinner and had enlisted his best friend to act as a waiter for the evening.
I thought, at the time, that this was a brilliant and unusual idea, and since I desperately wanted to impress my new girlfriend, I decided to copy it.
My best friend Alan came over to my house that night dressed up in a suit and tie, with slicked-back hair, and a painted-on mustache. I had designed and printed a sign for the door that said “Chez Keith”, and I also created menus that included several different options for appetizers, main courses, and even desserts.
When my girlfriend arrived at my house, she was shocked to see Alan greeting her in the character of a snooty waiter at an expensive French restaurant. He escorted her to our table in my basement, where I was waiting.
Alan took our orders. He served us our dinner. He spoke to us in a French accent. He even played acoustic guitar for us while we ate.
This was a masterful Valentine’s Day date if I do say so myself, and my girlfriend was blown away.
There was one problem.
The following year she expected something bigger, better, and more creative on the 14th of February. I had set such high expectations that anything less was sure to be a disappointment.
Dear reader, trust me when I say that I did indeed disappoint her. I had planned a nice evening at a fancy restaurant, but it did not live up to the excitement of that first night, and she was not too shy to let me know it.
It was then that I realized the truth about Valentine’s Day: it is better not to make a big deal about it at all.
Why? Two Reasons.
. . .
Reason 1: hedonic adaptation
The happiness you feel on even the greatest of Valentine’s Days is shallow.
In 1978, psychologists Philip Brickman and Donald T. Campbell published an article on ‘Hedonic Adaptation’ in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology which stated that happiness and sadness are transitory. They theorized that people spend most of their time at an emotional set point.
They provided evidence that, even after life-changing events, people tend to return to their own general happiness set point.
Lottery winners, they showed, do not remain substantially happier. People who were in car accidents and just became paraplegic do not remain substantially unhappier.
Have you ever purchased a brand new car, and been happier for a while because of it? That level of happiness faded after a relatively short period of time, didn’t it? That’s called Hedonic Adaptation.
Your material thing only brought you fleeting joy. It’s the same with Valentine’s Day.
My ex-girlfriend was initially swept away by my effort on that first Valentine’s Day date, but it didn’t take long for her to come down from her high. She returned to her set level of happiness, and in that state, it was clear to her that there were many other problems with our relationship that could not be propped up by another dramatic romantic overture.
If our relationship was better and stronger, she wouldn’t have needed it to be saved on Valentine’s Day.
Instead of a grand display of affection on that special day, I suggest a consistently minimalist approach to February 14th, year after year. Certainly, you should wish them a Happy Valentine’s Day. But you don’t need to do much else.
The key to your relationship success lies in how you handle the other 364 days of the year. If you express your love throughout, then Valentine’s day will reduce in importance. If you keep your partner’s happiness set point high, it won’t matter what you do on one day of the year.
. . .
Reason 2: greater expectations
My friend Jermaine recently purchased a 2 karat diamond ring for his wife. She had lost her wedding ring a few years ago, and he wanted to surprise her with a replacement, on Valentine’s Day.
“How should I give it to her, Keith?”, he asked me.
I suggested a few complicated and heartwarming scenarios, and he eventually shut them all down. He said he didn’t want her to get used to the idea of big romantic gestures.
He was worried about setting unrealistic expectations in her mind.
In the end, he said he was leaning towards hiding the ring inside a container of coffee grounds and then asking his wife to make him a coffee.
Boring, right? But as I think about it, I realize Jermaine’s rationale is sound.
Valentine’s Day seems to be a day created for unspoken expectations. We expect a card. We expect chocolates. We expect roses. These are all the staples of this pretend holiday.
If we don’t get those things, we are disappointed. If we got those things in the past, but don’t get them in the present, we feel hurt. Unrealized expectations can cause hurt feelings, and even anger.
So what can we do about that?
We can turn our unspoken expectations into shared expectations. We can talk about Valentine’s day before it arrives.
Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be a surprise. If you want to celebrate it, you can discuss it with your partner ahead of time, and agree on what you are going to do. Creating the plan together could take the stress and worry completely out of the equation.
. . .
The takeaway
On his way home from work one Valentine’s Day, my Uncle Roland stopped by a flower shop and picked up a dozen roses for my Aunt Eurema. Upon entering the house, he quietly sidled up behind her and kissed her on the cheek, hiding the bouquet behind his back. She swung around and gave him a big hug.
“Happy Valentine’s Day”, he whispered, pulling the roses out from behind him.
Her face suddenly dropped. “Roland! Why did you spend money on this?”
She wasn’t happy.
At the time, they were new immigrants to the country, and they were on a fixed budget. Aunt Eurema didn’t believe that they could afford the extravagance. They shared the same bank account. His money was her money, and she didn’t want it spent on roses. She said she would have much rather spent time alone with him since they had both been working so much lately.
The roses didn’t make her significantly happier, not even at the moment. What made her happy was the hug and kiss she got from her husband.
And there you have, in this short story about my Aunt and Uncle, 2 lessons to be learned about Valentine’s day:
- Regular affection is required, not gifts: Gifts and extravagant displays on Valentine’s Day are not effective in providing meaningful and lasting joy to a relationship. Instead, choose to show your affection regularly. That is much more effective.
- Open communication is required, not surprises: Unspoken or misunderstood expectations can lead to anger and hurt feelings. My uncle, for example, believed that my aunt wanted to be surprised with roses. He was wrong. She didn’t want a gift on that day. If they had chosen to communicate about their expectations regarding Valentine’s day, they could have saved money and resentment.
Nowadays, when I ask my wife what she wants for her birthday or for Christmas or for Valentine’s Day, she always says that she doesn’t want anything. I ask her anyway.
My money is her money. We actually don’t buy gifts for each other. We know that, if we did want to buy something for ourselves, we could purchase it at any time.
Before Valentine’s day, we’ll discuss how we want to celebrate. In most cases, we will end up cooking a nice dinner, sharing a bottle of wine, and eating some cake with our kids.
It’s nothing like the extravagant “Love Connection” Valentine’s Day date I had years ago with my ex-girlfriend. It’s a million times better.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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