Without her existence, the present me has no existence either
It’s Sunday morning. You are on the quest to clean up your room for your current lover who is about to move in with you. It seems like yesterday when you both met the first time. Does time fly when you are with the right person?
Apparently, So. You are thrilled at the prospect of the new life you both are set to begin.
It’s a big move for you. You are more than merrily making space for them when suddenly, your smile becomes shaky.
You run into an old box.
It’s kept among the junk but it is not junk for you. It never was. It brings back all the memory you thought has faded a long time ago. Seems like it still contains an old part of you. Without opening, you know what is in it.
It includes all the small but fiercely sentimental stuff accumulated over the years. The notes from him. The cards from her. The first rose(now dried up but with the same sentimental fragrance). The locket he put on you from behind while you stood there with your eyes closed.
The box not only holds the tangible items but also intangible memories attached to them. The sweatshirt she bought for you and the hug that followed the moment. The photo of you he clicked in the Starbucks while you stared into his eyes without blinking. All such stuff from the past but pretty intense relationship
Hence, pops up the age-old question. What to do with the stuff of a former lover? You are moving on with someone new. But, you don’t want to get rid of something which has been part of you for years.
Another question pops up in your mind. What if he or she brings stuff from the past relationship?
If they do, you’ll assume they haven’t moved on yet. They have baggage from past relationships. Or in the worst case, they still love their ex, ergo they cannot love you fully.
Ahh, The desire to not throw such sentimental stuff and wish to move on with someone new. How do you resolve such a conflict?
You Have the Right to Your Past
Everyone has a past and no one can claim that it was all glorious. I myself won’t make any such claims either.
The point is even if I get rid of the physical stuff, I can’t get rid of the mental stuff. That old song she sent me will continue to bring her back to me whenever it is played anywhere. Can I ever get rid of the nostalgia for that coffee shop we sat in for hours?
I should have the right to keep whatever I want to keep. So should she. And so Should you. It should be one’s own choice. Our new partner has to deal with it. In fact, choose to be with the one who accepts every part of you even that which you want to get rid of but can’t.
Can You Deal With It?
Keeping that stuff is a matter of personal choice. No doubt, it is. But if you yourself can’t take it when you see your partner keeping similar stuff, then there is no point in making them go through something that you yourself can’t.
There Are No Fixed Rules
Every person is different in making — physically and mentally both. Your past has no bearing on the relationship you’re in now. If the keeping of stuff is just a gesture of respect for the sentiments of your ex, I’ll say, Keep everything and keep it Proudly.
No need to be ashamed of keeping the souvenirs someone gave you out of love. No need to embarrassed of briefly visiting the fond memories once or twice a year.
But, be cautious. If that stuff in nothing but your go-to place whenever you feel sad. If you end up wistfully yearning that somehow past becomes present when you see that old stuff. Or worse, if the stuff is fodder for your masturbation fantasies, get rid of it.
You’re Ready When You’re Ready
No need to rush right now to burn that old box. You’ll inadvertently create an unwanted emotional mess in your life. Also, Don’t do this immediately after breaking up, because you might be acting to get a false sense of revenge for temporary satisfaction.
Get rid of it only when you’re ready. A study published in The Journal Of Positive Psychology says that it takes three months on average to move on. This may be too short for someone and too long for others. Remember, it’s the average time. Considering this study, you might be ready to get rid of the stuff after three months. Yet, in some exceptional cases, if you are not, you might never be. It’s not purely a scientific rule. It’s more of personal observation.
You are different and so was the relationship you were in. You’ll be ready when you’ll be ready. Don’t force anything. Trust me, when the right time comes, you’ll know it. Right now, there is a bigger question to ask yourself.
Can I Love Someone New Truly With All I’ve Got?
Can I make space for someone new without getting rid of all the old stuff that’s taking some space in my life?
This goes differently for every person. If you want to find the right answer, ask yourself this simple question:
“Do you think they can love you truly if they don’t get rid of the stuff from their past relationship?”
This question is not at all a reality-check for them. It is also not a reason for you to force them to get rid of their stuff. It’s for you. This question will help you in finding out what’s the right course of action for you is. If you think nobody can love someone fully with one foot in the past, you should get rid of your stuff to move on.
Still, Confused? Choose the Middle Way
Still can’t decide between the desire and the wish I talked about earlier? Don’t worry, there is a middle way.
Pick any one object to which you find yourself most emotionally attached to and get rid of the rest of the stuff.
Still can’t choose the one?
Pick the one that has a story or a hidden meaning attached to it. Something about which only you both knew. Or simply pick the one that marked the big occasion.
You were a different person with your ex. There is nothing wrong in keeping some pieces of the person you used to be. You keep your old photos proudly, right?
Takeaway:
What I keep from my past relationship is a reminder of not just her but of who I was at the time
- Your last relationship wasn’t a solo adventure. Still, Don’t keep stuff that is outright risque(racy): Cozy photos from the trip or the night out. Don’t keep any such thing which you can’t picture your current lover owning, especially photos.
- If it is too hard for you to get rid of even small stuff, there is one another way out. Give the stuff to a mutual friend and leave it to their discretion.
- If you are not in love with them anymore but, still you want to keep the stuff, bring a box and label it “Old Crap”. Put all stuff in it. Even if your current partner sees it someday, they’ll get that whatever is in the box, it is crap for you — ergo you have no emotional connection with it.
- If your last relationship was toxic, then no need to keep punishing yourself by keeping the stuff. On a more general note, if they dumped you, get rid of everything.
What I keep from my past relationship is a reminder of not just her but of who I was at the time. It reminds me of what kind of person I used to be when I was with her.
It helps me see how far I have come, How much I have loved and lived. And How much I have grown as a person.
It was she and it was that old but intense relationship which moulds me into something quite perfect for my current significant other. Without her existence, the present me has no existence either. I don’t look at the old stuff now and then, but when I do, I make sure to celebrate the great time I had in the past.
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Previously published on medium
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