Imagine being born into a family of survivalists with extreme religious beliefs. Your bipolar father is convinced the end of days is approaching and prepares by stockpiling canned peaches, weapons, and fuel.
Your father distrusts traditional doctors and the medical establishment as wicked servants of the “socialist’ government. Your family relies on your mother’s herbalism and divine healing for all your medical needs.
You have no birth certificate and never attended school, as your father believes all you need is the Bible. Your older brother becomes sadistic and violent, often dragging you by the hair and forcing your face into the toilet to purge your wickedness.
Isolated from mainstream society, all you have are the beauty of the Idaho mountains and kindness of your grandmother. The only glimmer of hope is when another brother leaves the family to go to college. He returns periodically and tells you that there’s a world out there, and it will look a lot different once your father is no longer whispering his view of it in your ear.
So you teach yourself mathematics, science, and grammar. You take the ACT and miraculously get accepted into Brigham Young University. But there’s a problem. Your father disapproves and says your place is back home, working with the family. In fact, he suggests that the devil has a hold of you, and if you don’t return, you’ll be lost to the family forever.
Hope lies in dreams
You love your family, despite their disfunction. Against their objections, you stay on in school and distinguish yourself academically. Despite economic hardship, a kindly professor helps you get a scholarship. You are encouraged to apply at Harvard for advanced studies, and then Cambridge University in England. Against all odds, you are accepted.
“Hope lies in dreams, in imagination, and in the courage of those who dare to make dreams into reality.” -Jonas Salk
What would you do? The love and approval of your family weigh heavily on your mind and heart. All you have to do is walk away from your education and embrace your family’s way of life.
Making the decision harder, your family is no longer poor. Your mother miraculously healed your father after a terrible accident, and her celebrity as a healer and herb specialist spread. The family created an online business for their herbs, tinctures, and oils, making them wealthy. It would be easy to go back and join them.
You miss your family and worry if you travel to England for your education, you may never be able to come home again. Your parents even travel to the university to see you and encourage you not to continue with your education. “Come home,” they say. The guilt you feel leads to a mental breakdown, nearly costing you your education.
What would you do?
What it means to self-create
Everything described above, and more, happened to the author Tara Westover. Her bestselling book, “Educated- A Memoir” detailed all the hardships she endured.
Despite the disapproval of her parents, she studied psychology, politics, philosophy, and history at Brigham Young University. For the first time in her life, she learned about the Holocaust and the Civil Rights Movement.
Imagine how hard it must have been to defy her dictatorial father. Her whole life and perception of the world had been defined by her father’s teachings. As Westover wrote in her book:
“Everything I had worked for, all my years of study, had been to purchase for myself this one privilege: to see and experience more truths than those given to me by my father, and to use those truths to construct my own mind. I had come to believe that the ability to evaluate many ideas, many histories, many points of view, was at the heart of what it means to self-create.”
Westover studied at Harvard and Cambridge, where she earned a Ph.D. in history in 2014. The success of her memoir brought recognition and fame, but at a steep cost. She has been shunned by her family.
Westover experienced tremendous guilt for defying her father’s wishes. Even though she knew the pursuit of education was a good thing, there was still guilt. She wrote in her memoir:
“But vindication has no power over guilt. No amount of anger or rage directed at others can subdue it, because guilt is never about them. Guilt is the fear of one’s own wretchedness. It has nothing to do with other people.”
In the end, Westover learned to focus on what she needed, instead of what her father demanded. She explained it this way:
“ I shed my guilt when I accepted my decision on its own terms, without endlessly prosecuting old grievances, without weighing his sins against mine. Without thinking of my father at all. I learned to accept my decision for my own sake, because of me, not because of him. Because I needed it, not because he deserved it.”
Don’t be trapped by dogma
Tara Westover is not the only person to have defied the unfair expectations of loved ones in order to become her own person. To become who she was meant to be. There are many people who found the courage to pursue their dreams, despite their parent’s objections.
An article in MentalFloss.com notes that the singer Katy Perry was raised as an evangelical Christian. Her parents, both pastors, embraced a strict religious code of conduct. For example, things like co-ed dances were not allowed.
Despite Katy Perry’s success, her mother has said, “We strongly disagree with how she’s been conducting herself.” Her mother added, “…and she knows how disappointed we are.” Yet, despite this stinging disapproval, Katy Perry found the courage to follow her own dreams.
The actor and singer Kris Kristofferson graduated with a master’s degree in literature in 1960, according to a Mentalfloss.com article. Kristofferson was a Rhodes Scholar who studied at Oxford. He served in the Army, and upon discharge, was offered to teach at West Point. However, against his parents’ wishes, Kristofferson turned down the teaching offer and moved to Nashville to become a songwriter.
Kristofferson’s family disapproved, feeling that he denied himself a solid future. They disowned him. Kristofferson dealt with the rejection of his parents by putting his pain into writing songs.
“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma- which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.” -Steve Jobs
Making a person
The bottom line is that your family is not you. They may be a part of you. They may have shaped aspects of your personality and outlook on life. But you are your own individual. No one has the right to lay claim on your life. Who you are, or who you wish to become, is up to you.
Perhaps the most important thing you can do for yourself is to obtain a good education. The pursuit of knowledge enriches the mind and deepens your understanding of the world. As Tara Westover wrote:
“An education is not so much about making a living as making a person.”
How much of ourselves do we owe to our loved ones? Where do healthy parental expectations for their children end and unfair demands begin? No doubt, when we are young, we must rely on our parents for guidance and support.
In youth, we often lack the education, experiences, and wisdom to decide big life decisions. If we’re lucky, we have wise parents to guide us to adulthood. But sometimes, people aren’t so lucky. Their parents may be misguided, mentally ill or meanspirited. What are we to do then?
For Tara Westover, she turned to her grandmother, who encouraged her to get an education. Westover intuitively knew that her grandmother meant the best for her. Perhaps that’s a good measure for dealing with the demands of loved ones. Ask yourself if their guidance benefits themselves or you.
“Education is the passport to the future, for tomorrow belongs to those who prepare for it today.” -Malcolm X
Education is the key to personal growth. It need not come from traditional schools and universities. There are many forms of education, from books and videos to technical schools and life experiences.
Education was the key to Tara Westover escaping her family to save herself. Of course, along the way, you have to be sure you’re not buying into your own lies. Some young people defy well-meaning parents because they think they have all the answers when they don’t. Again, education is the key to checking your own biases, false narratives, and self-lies.
“The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to such a pass that he cannot distinguish the truth within him.” -Fyodor Dostoevsky
It’s possible to save yourself and become the person you always wanted to be. Whether’s it’s family, a loved one or friends who are holding you back, you have the power to direct your own future. So long as you don’t lie to yourself with delusions of grandeur, and seek real and meaningful education, you can pursue and achieve your dreams.
Many of us are blessed to have parents and families that support us in life. Even when they disagree with our choices, they are still there for us. Sadly, some parents and families are not like this. They may be blinded by their own stringent beliefs. Perhaps they were victims of controlling or unsupportive parents themselves.
Try the best you can to find peace with your parents and loved ones, but if education and experience have shown you that they are wrong, you must chart your own course. You have a right to save yourself and pursue your dreams.
It may not be easy, but it’s possible. Tara Westover did it. So did Katy Perry, Kris Kristofferson, and countless others. Pursue the gift of a good education, believe in yourself, and become the person you always dreamed of being.
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Before you go
I’m John P. Weiss. I draw cartoons, paint and write about life. Get my free, weekly newsletter here.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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Photo credit: Author