I vividly recall feeling a sense of self-pity years ago while wondering if I would ever find my one true love, my soulmate. Relationship breakups were occurring with uncomfortable regularity after consecutively dating some women for months and, in one case, more than one year.
While wondering what was the one thing in common with each of my relationship breakups, I realized it was clearly me. How could I date these very nice women for months, then in an instant realize I had to break up with them due to some irreconcilable differences? How could I repeat the same mistake of realizing that there was something about each woman that was wrong for me, but chose to ignore it in hopes it would disappear. It was time for me to take responsibility for what I had done to myself and others, and commit to a solution.
My recovery began by enrolling and graduating from Georgetown University with a professional certification in Life and Leadership Coaching. I thought that if I could learn how to support others in achieving their life’s relationship goals, I should be able to support myself in doing the same in finding my soulmate.
Completing my studies at Georgetown, followed by independent research, I was able to solve the mystery of why my dating record was so abysmal. This article chronicles my transformation from an unenlightened and emotionally unintelligent man to an awakening, of sorts, ready to learn more about not only how to date but successfully finding the love of my life. My purpose for sharing my lessons here is to in some positive way to make a difference in the lives of other singles.
The Difference Between Thought-based and Instinct-Based Behavior
Most couples on their way to divorce or breakup see the problem long before the sad event occurs. The question is why did one or both partners ignore the red flag warnings? Their most common answer reported by marriage therapists was that they were in love and didn’t want to ‘rock the boat’.
Research by scientists at University College in London found that feelings of love lead to a suppression of activity in the areas of the brain controlling critical thinking. Once two people become physically and/or emotionally close, their brains diminish the process of assessing their partner’s character and personality. This prevents couples from properly scrutinizing the red flag issues and remedying the problem before ending the relationship or understand the more serious nature of the problem and choose to part ways.
Ignoring red flags allows problems to slip through the safeguards set up by smart dating practices allowing serious issues to show up long after the couple bonds and commits to each other. Prematurely ending the process of evaluating your partner’s relationship potential can produce devastating consequences years later leading to resentment and other negative emotions which can destroy a marriage.
Another issue that interferes with relationship scrutiny is the chemistry of attraction. Most surveys list the number one criteria for pursuing a romantic relationship with someone is the existence of the Chemistry of mutual attraction.
Dr. Abraham Maslow’s work in his Theory of the Hierarchy of Human Needs in conjunction with research performed by biochemists who were able to isolate and characterize the array of hormones that are produced in the bodies of both women and men when sexually aroused provide some enlightening observations.
The overpowering role that hormones play in shaping mankind’s instinctive sexual behavior can create a chemically induced experience of falling in love if the mutual attraction is strong enough. There is also an anthropological connection between our body’s production of sexual hormones and the level of importance that Mother Nature places on human’s having enough sex to ensure the survival of our species through reproduction.
Dr. Maslow’s Hierarchy reveals that the most important human needs include air to breathe, water to drink, food to eat and the instinct to survive. The group of most important needs also includes sex, but not for the pleasure or comfort that it brings, but rather purely for reproduction so as to prevent human extinction.
It is understandable, given that when human evolution occurred some 400,000 years ago, the prognosis for a newborn human to survive into the age of fertility with the ability to reproduce was rather poor, given the daily challenges to stay alive. Lifespan was short so the number of reproductive years was small thus elevating the importance for human’s to conceive and produce live births as early and often as possible.
This existential need to reproduce explains why our hormones have a chemical composition similar to drugs such as cocaine, amphetamine, methamphetamine, and ecstasy that produce similar effects on the human brain and have the sole purpose of creating instinctive arousal, intercourse, and conception. The final hormone, Oxytocin, has no effect on sex. Instead, its sole purpose is to have the couple experience the post-coital chemically induced experience of falling in love.
It is no wonder that heroin users compare the jolting high that they get from heroin with the same sensation they get during orgasm. It appears that Mother Nature repurposed her most powerful non-human produced chemical formulas for human sex hormones.
◊♦◊
Recap Summary
1. My behavior was the cause for my relationship issues. Breakups resulted from my ignoring problems early in the relationship. I ignored them and hoped they would disappear because I was in love too early in the process of handling relationship issues with my partner.
2. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Human Needs in conjunction with the results of biochemistry research into human sex hormones gave me insight into my propensity to fall in love to early in my relationships due to engaging in sexual relations with my partner too early.
3. This awakened me to the need to find a system of tools and processes that would keep my on track to make sure that my head (thinking) stayed ahead of my behavior to fall in love too fast (instinct, emotions, feelings). I had to commit to engaging my head to give my heart permission to fall in love.
—
This post is republished on Medium.
***
The Good Men Project gives people the insights, tools, and skills to survive, prosper and thrive in today’s changing world. A world that is changing faster than most people can keep up with that change. A world where jobs are changing, gender roles are changing, and stereotypes are being upended. A world that is growing more diverse and inclusive. A world where working towards equality will become a core competence. We’ve built a community of millions of people from around the globe who believe in this path forward. Thanks for joining The Good Men Project.
Support us on Patreon and we will support you and your writing! Tools to improve your writing and platform-building skills, a community to get you connected, and access to our editors and publisher. Your support will help us build a better, more inclusive world for all.
***
Photo credit: iStock