Like most Americans today, my family is spending a lot of time together, and in close quarters. It hasn’t been easy for our family of five (with another on the way), but we’ve made some decisions that have helped us not get on each other’s nerves quite as badly. It’s far from domestic “bliss,” but it’s certainly domestic “okayness.”
A few weeks ago, I was notified that I no longer needed to come into the office. In the wake of the pandemic, all “non-essential” companies in my area were being told to close their doors and have their workers work from home if possible. Remote training began, and within two days, I was working at home with established hours and guidelines.
On the same day, my step-daughter’s school closed indefinitely. Then my children’s pre-school advised all parents that the school would stay open, but that if we could, we should keep our children at home. My husband and I opted to do so, so our children are now home full-time. My husband has worked at home for years, but he hasn’t done so with four other people there with him.
Just like that, our lives had completely changed. The unknown made us fretful, irritated, and irritable with one another, and it made being all home together not enjoyable.
The tips that we ended up employing helped us make how we related to each other, and our home environment, better. Hopefully it will help yours too.
1. Make sure everyone has their own designated space.
Everyone, and I mean everyone, needs their own space they can hang out in when they aren’t just sleeping.
Think about this for yourself: Where will you work or be alone for a moment that doesn’t also happen to be where everyone else watches TV?
My husband has always had his own office, our young children their play area, and our teenager her giant bedroom, but my desk in the living room wasn’t cutting it. We finally moved my desk into our bedroom, so I can at least close the door when I’m working.
Since we all have our own “space,” I can now tell my children to go to theirs when I know I’m going to be busy for a while. Since everyone gets a little “break” from one another by having their own space, it helps alleviate how often everyone gets on everyone’s nerves.
2. Make up an imaginary person to blame things on.
In our house, “Rick” is a total mess. He leaves plates and toys everywhere and forgets to turn the dryer on. He never remembers to let the dogs out or wheel the trash bin to the curb. “Rick” is, essentially, a shitty imaginary co-worker.
Placing blame on this “Rick” keeps us from placing too much blame on each other.
“Did Rick not pick these up?” I asked my children, pointing at a pile of toys.
“Yes!” They both said cheerily.
“Well, Rick isn’t going to pick them up because you know how Rick is. You’ve got to help him. Can you do that?”
We’re stuck with each other 24/7 right now, and it’s not ideal, but having this imaginary person to blame things on keeps us from getting too irritated with one another. Plus, it’s a little funny too.
3. Get outside.
Whenever we can, we all go outside for a walk. Good social distancing requires that we stay away from all the people we see, but we all enjoy the change of scenery.
Plus it’s really good for us. As I’ve written before here:
A growing number of scientific studies support the idea that taking walks outside, hearing birds singing, touching leaves or flowers, and smelling natural scents can actually improve your mental health.
Spending time in nature also tends to lower our stress hormone levels and blood pressure, improve our emotional resilience, and decrease anxiety and depression.
Everybody needs breaks, even if it’s just to walk outside to look at trees for a while.
4. Let everyone cope in their own way.*
Everyone is going to respond to the current situation the way that works best for them. Let go of what you “think” they should be doing, and give every member of your family time to adjust the way they need to.
For the first two weeks home, I incessantly cooked: frittatas, chilis, cobblers, pastas, pies, and biscuits. My husband became obsessed with home workout plans. Our young children only wanted to watch Spongebob Squarepants and have their hands held. Our teenager slept and binge-watched Love is Blind.
As long as it’s within reason and somewhat healthy (now probably isn’t a time to binge-drink or try cocaine for the first time), let everyone cope in their own way and on their own time. But the *caveat is that no one should be coping forever.
If someone is stuck, help them find a routine, new hobby, or whatever to move on. Plus there are a lot of virtual therapist services available now that can help if it becomes too serious.
5. Thank everyone.
Gratitude is important because it helps us focus on what people are doing right, instead of what they’re doing wrong. Irritations and resentments easily grow when we have a list of our loved one’s failures that we keep adding to.
Instead of doing that, when someone does something right, notice it and immediately thank them. “Thanks for doing the dishes.” “Thanks for sharing with your brother.” “It’s so sweet you let her come watch TV with you!”
Whatever it is, don’t forget to be thankful for the people in your life. They’re in this situation with you, and you’ll be contributing to a much better environment overall if you remember to express gratitude.
During this pandemic, a lot is unknown. My job and the schools have been closed “until further notice,” so there’s no telling how long my family will be in these close quarters. Domestic bliss isn’t going to be likely at this time, but at least I, and you, can have a family situation that is at least okay.
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Previously published on psiloveyou
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