A month ago, I wrote an article about when you need to let someone go.
At the beginning of the article, I stated that you sometimes can’t practically cut ties with someone.
You still can let them go, though.
I provided some quick suggestions. Here is what I said:
Don’t be confused that if you can’t cut ties, you can’t let someone go.
You still can let them go in different ways.
You can minimize contact, keep it casual, keep it professional, stop offering help, or just change the depth of the relationship you have with that person.
There are options.
The main idea is that you don’t allow the person’s toxicity to ruin your life. To prevent that, you let them go. And you can let them go in various ways as long as you prevent them from negatively affecting you.
That’s a good piece of advice though it’s not detailed.
I want to go deeper in this article and share a deeper concept.
I want to share a different piece of advice. It can help you deal with the toxic people you’re stuck with.
Those are usually family members, but they can be anyone.
But here’s what’s unique about this article and why I wrote it.
It can help you deal with the pain caused by the toxicity of abusive relationships you were involved in.
If a bad relationship is still haunting you, this is also for you. And if you’re stuck in a bad relationship and can’t cut ties, this is also for you.
Here we go.
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Grow Bigger
Carl Jung once beautifully described how some problems don’t have actual or practical solutions.
You cannot apply any type of solution to these problems and expect them to go away.
They are here to stay. You simply cannot fix or solve them.
Discouraging, isn’t it?
Wait. Jung didn’t stop here. He suggested a way to handle such problems.
The only ‘solution’ to these problems is to outgrow them. To become bigger than them. To become so big that those problems don’t bother you anymore.
You don’t actively work on solving the problem because let’s face it, there’s no practical solution under the sun.
Instead, you work on yourself to become bigger and outgrow the problem.
One way to look at it is that you work on the parts of yourself that are affected by the problem and make them stronger.
Or that you work on yourself generally so that the problem seems trivial compared to who you are now.
And I think there are more ways to look at the statement: outgrow the problem so that it doesn’t hurt you anymore. But the point remains. You grow bigger.
The alternative is that you get smaller compared to the problem.
You get smaller when it cripples you.
They cripple you because they are perpetual.
Since there’s no practical solution to these problems, focusing on them can be one of the ways you grow smaller compared to them.
You will always end up disappointed and powerless.
Why?
Because of the lack of the possibility of a solution and the presence of pain.
That’s not a good option. I prefer the option of outgrowing that shit.
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Outgrow Them by Becoming Better and Wiser
You outgrow a problem in many ways.
However, they all have one thing in common: you become bigger and better.
That can happen by becoming more self-aware, developing more self-respect, establishing your independence, achieving a certain level of success, developing specific, desired skills, or creating an high-quality lifestyle.
In Eminem’s words in his song with Sia Beautiful Pain,
“. . . and tomorrow you may even feel so good that you’re willing to forgive them even after all the shit you’ve been put through, this feeling of resilience is building.”
You see where this is getting at, don’t you?
And no, I am not asking you to forgive anyone now.
I am just making the point that you should outgrow any perpetual problem that has no practical solution. That’s how you heal.
Then, decide if you want to forgive or not.
Now, focus on growing. Now, don’t focus on the problem itself because if you do, you will get smaller.
When it comes to toxic people you can’t cut off or forget, that’s a problem you need to outgrow.
Focusing on the relationship itself won’t help.
Focusing on how to fix the problems won’t help.
Hell, focusing on the toxic behavior of the other person/people won’t help. And obviously, focusing on fixing or changing the other party won’t work or help or even make sense.
This can apply to your relationship with your family if you believe it’s toxic. Who cares if you had a toxic family if you are now leading a meaningful life that you deeply enjoy?
Or that toxic narcissistic friend who makes you feel small and useless. You could grow to the point of not feeling small in comparison to them.
By the way, narcissists make you feel insignificant because they subconsciously remind you of how you are neglecting yourself. Take more care of yourself. You deserve it.
Or that abuse you went through in a past romantic relationship. You cannot undo it, but you are now a stronger and wiser person who leads a good life.
Every case is different.
The problems you need to outgrow will differ from the ones I need to outgrow.
The ways you outgrow your problem will be as unique as your fingerprint. Similar to mine in their very nature, yet different in how they manifest themselves in the world.
Figure this out by yourself, but generally realize that you need to grow.
If you throw a chair at a baby, that poor baby might die. But if you throw it at a strong healthy adult, it won’t hurt them.
Yet, it’s the same chair and the same hit.
The hit and the existence of the chair (reads pain!) are inevitable and irreversible. It’s the strength of the individual in each case that differs.
To wrap this up, outgrow your toxic relationships with toxic people instead of dwelling on how miserable or toxic they are/were.
You will give them power by dwelling on them.
This is probably the case with hurtful relationships that are close to you such as family members or intimate relationships.
See how you should grow and do it.
The benefits are limitless and there’s no downside. And by the way, this incredible piece of advice by Carl Jung can be used in a variety of situations, not just dealing with toxic people and relationships. So, make use of it.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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