It sounds strange, right? Being afraid of falling in love and being loved by someone? But isn’t love what we all crave deep down?
As absurd as it may sound, there is a large number of people out there who are afraid of being loved by someone and do everything in their power — even unconsciously — to sabotage their relationships.
I used to be one of these people. It was always the same story. I would allow the thrilling feeling you get when you first start liking someone consume me; but then, the minute the other person would start reciprocating my feelings I would run away as fast as I could.
Philosopher, author, and speaker Alain De Botton explains it better than I ever could:
If you’re anything like my former self, you’re probably afraid of commitment and intimacy and do your best to avoid getting into a relationship. Here’s why you might feel that way and how to get over your fears.
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Why Am I Afraid of Love?
Before we attempt to give a solution to a problem, we need to get down to its core and find its source. When did we start feeling that way? What was the trigger?
When it comes to the fear of commitment, intimacy, and love, it all comes down to one simple thing: the complicated relationship we have with ourselves.
The image we have of ourselves and what love is, has its roots in our childhood. If, during your childhood, you were neglected by a parent, or had to grow up in an unhealthy environment with a cruel, mean parent, chances are, you never learned how to receive love and got used to the idea that the lack of affection is normal.
Therefore, now that you’re an adult, it’s difficult to get comfortable with the idea of intimacy and affection. Those things feel unfamiliar and incomprehensible to you, and as a result, whenever someone seems eager to provide them to you, you can’t help but reject them and run away.
In the words of Alain de Botton:
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Take a Look at Your Past
In order to understand why you’re afraid of being loved, and falling in love, you need to take a look at your past. Try to think back on your past relationships and reflect on your childhood.
You should especially consider the things that happened to you or around you as a child and how they might now be subconsciously affecting you as an adult.
As clinical psychologist Lisa Firestone explains in this article:
For example, as a child, my father made sure to convince me that real, authentic love doesn’t exist. I grew up constantly being told things like “love is a lie”, “everyone will try to manipulate you”, or “if you get attached to someone the only thing you’ll gain is being hurt as hell”.
My father is a troubled man who has been through a lot in his life. I guess that was his attempt to protect me from the world and shield me from being hurt. Anyway, my complicated relationship with my father is a story for another day.
The takeaway is, after years of self-reflection, I realized that my fear of commitment, intimacy, and love could be traced back to my childhood and had actually been created by somebody else: my father. I had finally found the source of my fear, which meant I was ready to confront and overcome it.
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Reframe Your Mindset and Inner Thoughts
Once we find the source of our fear we can start working on overcoming it. The first step is to reframe our mindset by getting in touch with our inner thoughts.
In my case, I let go of my fear the moment I stopped seeing my father’s tragic perception of love as a reality or even as my own point of view.
Sure, there are indeed immature, mean, and psychologically disturbed people that continuously abuse, hurt, and take advantage of their partners. But, among the billions of people around the world, you can definitely find some good ones.
Do not allow a negative thought to go through your mind without addressing it first, and most importantly, reframing it. The next time you start having negative thoughts about love and relationships, do your best to turn them into positive ones.
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Accept That Love Comes Along With the Risk of Being Hurt
The majority of people are afraid of love because they’re afraid of getting hurt and want to avoid that pain at any cost. They prefer being alone and feeling lonely than allowing themselves to be vulnerable and ultimately, being hurt by their partner.
Lisa Firestone puts it best:
The thing is, you can’t have love without the risk of being hurt. By running away from commitment and intimacy, you also close the door to your chance of happiness, joy, and fulfillment.
As Lisa Firestone continues,
You can’t have love without accepting the possibility of getting hurt in the long run. But, believe me, the immense amount of joy and the sense of fulfillment a healthy relationship can offer you, is definitely worth that risk.
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Final Thoughts
Looking back at my past self, I realize that what I truly needed was someone who could tell me that all of my fears exist in my head and have been created by tragic situations and troubled people.
Real, pure, authentic love does exist. Good people capable of that kind of love do exist. And the most important thing to remember is that, no matter our past experiences, each and every one of us is worthy of love.
In the words of the lovely Alain de Botton:
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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Photo credit: Unsplash