What does your wife know that YOU know? Steve Horsmon explains how this powerful concept builds trust and safety.
The crowd laughed nervously as they watched a demonstration that would likely end in death.
One of the world’s most revered and accomplished horse communicators (aka Horse Whisperer), Marty Marten, was showing them how to get a young, frightened, aggressive mare into a trailer. It was a narrow, two-horse, straight loading “shotgun” trailer – the worst possible option for this demonstration.
It was certain Marty would fail and possibly die in the process.
Having seen Marty teach men and women his secrets over the years, I gave him at least 50-50 odds.
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Running and pulling frantically at the end of the rope, the mare’s eye’s bulged with fear and mistrust. But Marty was unaffected. His gentle voice and soft hands guided her through a number of small requests designed to help her relax and trust him. As her eyes softened Marty guided her toward the trailer and invited her to put just one foot inside. The crowd gasped as she suddenly BLEW UP and ran away again throwing a kick at Marty’s head. Breathing heavily she glared at him with defiant eyes.
She was beginning to sweat. It was only five minutes into the demonstration and the crowd had doubts. Some decided to leave. They had already given up on the impossible.
He responded to her every reaction with purposeful intent. Marty seemed to know something that nobody in the crowd knew.
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Marty continued his calm, deliberate approach over and over. He smiled at the mare and spoke gently. He responded to her every reaction with purposeful intent. Marty seemed to know something that nobody in the crowd knew.
At the 20 minute mark, an eternity for most people, something amazing happened. The mare put one foot in the trailer. Then one foot out. Then two feet in. And two feet out. Marty continued allowing her to learn at her own pace that she could enter and leave the trailer. She was safe. She became relaxed.
The crowd, now half its original size, erupted in applause when Marty stood inside the trailer with the happy mare softly stroking her neck.
She had found safety and relaxation. She found it in the trailer with Marty and she was happy to be there.
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A woman in the crowd yelled out her burning question.
“Marty, HOW in the world did you do that!? Nobody thought that horse was going in that trailer.”
In his typical “less is more” style, Marty answered, “There are two reasons she went into the trailer. First, I knew beyond any doubt in my mind that she would go in. Second, she knew that I knew that.”
The woman beamed and nodded as if she instantly knew what he meant.
He continued, “I know how much I respect and admire her. I know why she is unsure and distrustful. I know how her fear feels. I know how she was abused a year ago. And I know how she needs me to treat her in order to relax and trust me. All I needed to do was provide her what she needed and she would go in the trailer on her own – on her terms. She knew that I knew she would be safe and happy in the trailer.”
Another man said, “I can’t believe you did it in only 20 minutes.”
Marty replied, “And yet half of the crowd has left. When you don’t know what you’re doing, it’s easy to get impatient and give up.”
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I had a men’s retreat at my little ranch recently and a man made an observation during my “empathy demonstration” with Chief, my 24 year old Appaloosa. This video will give you an idea of what I mean.
He said, “You know sometimes I’m the one who feels like the horse. Some days I’m scared. I want to be understood. I want my wife to calmly reassure me and help me relax. I want to know that SHE knows we’re okay and that I’m okay.” I want to know that SHE understands and wants to meet my needs.”
“I’ve never said this out loud before, so it feels weird. I think my wife knows that I know I’m afraid of her. She knows that I question my love for her. She knows that I’m terrified of losing her.”
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“That sounds awesome” I replied. “I want a woman like that too. All of us deserve women like that.”
Another man named Allen said, “Yeah, I want my wife to “whisper me” sometimes too. But from what I’m seeing it goes both ways. It’s like we’re at a standoff waiting for the other to take the reins”.
I asked Allen, “When it comes to your wife, what do you think she knows YOU know?”
He was silent for about 30 seconds which felt like an eternity to the other men waiting for his answer.
He finally said, “I’ve never said this out loud before, so it feels weird. I think my wife knows that I know I’m afraid of her. She knows that I question my love for her and if we’ll last. She knows that I’m terrified of losing her. She knows that I need her to make me feel good about myself and that I don’t know how to respond to her when she is upset or angry. She knows I’m not sure how to give her what she wants to feel from me. She knows that I’m feeling like giving up.”
Another man, who is in the middle of a divorce, put a hand on Allen’s shoulder and said, “So what are you going to do about what she knows, bro?”
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One of the biggest challenges in our relationships is knowing where we stand, what we believe and who we will be. Our partners will always reflect what they experience with us. We need to learn how to show up with clarity, confidence and love. When we are unclear, uncertain and uncommitted our partners have no choice but to react accordingly.
The lessons Marty Marten gave in this story apply equally to husbands and wives. My work with men is to help them powerfully show up to the world and with women so they can confidently create the life and love they deserve.
I wrote a special report for men in a struggling marriage. Download your free copy of “The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage” by clicking HERE.
Photo LaMMa1/Flickr
“Our partners will always reflect what they experience with us”. It’s funny how humans are so similar to horses and other mammals. I try teaching this in my therapy and they don’t get it. Maybe I need to bring them up to your ranch sometime, Steve! There’s a retreat idea!
Let”s do this, Aaron.
Hey, bad news…Ranger had to be put down last week. Friggin’ cancer. Chief is lonely.
Hi Steve
You are so right!
He finally said, “I’ve never said this out loud before, so it feels weird. I think my wife knows that I know I’m afraid of her.” — Somebody please unpack this statement for me if you can understand what this man is trying to convey….When someone says they’re “afraid of another person”, in my mind it conveys usually a sense of fear of physical violence. I’m almost certain this is not what this means. Is it just a fear of losing her/the relationship?? Is the fear what keeps the man locked in a cave–literally and figuratively? Is the fear what… Read more »
Hi Her, thanks for your question!
With men, at least, we have MANY fears that have nothing to do with physical harm – just like women.
The other examples in your comment are dead nuts, balls on accurate (movie reference there) In my free report, I explain why fear of divorce is one of the leading causes of divorce.
Thanks so much Steve. I feel like men talk with each other more about the fear of financial ruin and losing their families, especially with respect to access to children, in divorce proceedings. While I do understand that this is huge and I don’t want to minimize it, I don’t think men realize how much it points to their apparent underlying view of marriage/spouse/children as property, as just something to be attained as opposed to living breathing beings (yes, your marriage is living, breathing, moving and growing, with a soul, or at least that should be the goal) with souls… Read more »
Thanks for such wise insight, Her.
Question: What do you think a woman can do to help her man grow though this problem? What’s her power in the relationship to get him out of his head and into his heart?
This is discussed widely in many books. Men are craving your love and nurturing to help them outgrow their fears.
@Her
I think your view of men seems to be pretty self-fulfilling, much like you think men’s views of marriage and family is fundamentally flawed and leads itself to divorce.
Just as an experiment, try and replace the word “access” in your second paragraph with “connection”, and see if it affects your views on the matter.