I thought I knew what unconditional love was. But I didn’t, until I was tested.
Why did I want to stay in this one relationship?
He said he didn’t want to stay in. And then I started to have my doubts. We had so many differences.
I know there were other more compatible fish in the sea with the same values and beliefs, as is (where no change was needed on my part). I knew that because I’d been in harmonious relationships before that felt like bliss at the time. And then ended abruptly.
That’s still better than fizzling out.
I learned through relationships that the appearance of initial compatibility wasn’t the telltale sign of last-ability.
In this one lifelong love, we both had some dark places that needed healing and growth (maturing). And we would never tap and know what those deeply ingrained areas were in our souls, until we came together as a couple. And were tested.
…Where absence didn’t make the heart grow fonder in a 4,000-mile long-distance relationship.
There’s always a new road that can be taken. We could have gone our own ways. But staying together, there are times when you come together (couple growth) and times when you grow apart for a season (personal healing and growth) to be a better couple. Growth is where the success and productivity is.
In our first set of bumps, we had a choice to hit reset, start over, and pick up where we left off, to start a better relationship.
We had both grown from the past months together and apart. Our past mistakes and hurtful things said were part of the process to get us where we are today.
Flashback a decade earlier…
In my first marriage, I had so much needed personal growth, to get over childhood wounds and a work post-traumatic disorder experience leading me to develop victim mentality.
To transform to my ideal person (self-actualized), would have required a massive leap… and if I was being authentic, traveling to the moon and back would have been faster and easier.
Back then I had learned some basic 101 things about how to be a committed partner, but I had no clue how to unconditionally love, as I don’t think I ever received that in my life (foreign concept).
I had a plaque sitting in my bathroom with these words: Whatever the question, love is the answer.
While the daily mantra helped me focus, only years later would I discover how to love this way in the right relationship.
Relationships hurt me in the past (including this lifelong love I’m with), and I had to heal and learn to trust again.
I had to learn how to love, just to love.
To have loving feelings for family, a neighbor, and my partner’s friends that I didn’t choose. And to love my partner.
Love is a choice. And unconditional love is choosing to give love even when you don’t get it back.
With this on-and-off-again love of 20 plus years, when we got engaged, we realized we didn’t know how to have interesting conversations like we did years ago. Being emotionally deep, the talks cut and hurt to the core.
In this season of growth, we stepped back and developed a new level of intimacy despite barely surviving as a couple.
But this was what was necessary to produce a better, lighter me, and an enlightened him.
Like an awkward dance, fighting through and changing (by choice and osmosis), we grew closer to understanding ourselves and each other.
On my end, the effort was worth the work…for this love far greater than I could ever imagine. Despite the differences, we persisted.
I persisted for love. That’s unconditional love.
5 Ways To Practice Unconditional Love (and Get the Love You Want)
I drastically shifted my expectations. With all the moving parts in a relationship, I learned that some of the past beliefs I had, didn’t work.
There’s no cookie-cutter formula for a good relationship. Each one is unique.
If you have trust, it’s okay to let your partner do what makes them happy (that aren’t deal-breakers). No one wants to have a parent for a partner. They want to be with the cool girl or guy in high school they can trust.
Only with trust, you’re then not preoccupied wondering what your partner is doing (or shouldn’t be doing).
By letting go of the leash, you give space and love (and a chance to miss) one another.
I let go. I stopped giving so much care to the relationship. That’s counter-intuitive.
I focused and got busy with me. I communicated often, but I didn’t need to know what my partner would have for dinner unless we were having dinner together (when we were in the same country).
I stopped hovering.
I stopped obsessing and focused on getting my things done.
I thought how would I feel if I was restricted?
I also let go of hurtful things that were said from someone with different perspectives.
I practiced daily forgiveness. Words can hurt, but they have no meaning until meaning is applied. So I got clarity on what was said, made any internal changes needed, and then moved on.
I didn’t sulk or nourish negative thoughts (old me way). And I didn’t get defensive and take anything personal (sure-fire sign that growth is needed).
I did the opposite action, I appreciated the feedback.
I also didn’t let any differing habits between us bother me.
I changed my daily habits to match my partner. If you’re super adaptable, you can change easily. I took this approach. And made healthy changes.
My partner was going through a de-cluttering phase, so I committed to losing some of the plastic bags, clothing and books. Those were relatively easy fixes. And having the place, tidy like a server restaurant station.
I was able to express the habits I preferred. Some things just stand out like a sore thumb to the other partner. You have to figure out what those things are without making a grand federal case, or passing judgment.
Sometimes you learn how to co-exist from past roommate situations. In a relationship, that becomes the relationship.
I paid attention to the mirror that my partner provided. I became the person that was attractive to my partner. I didn’t change who I was, but I put the fun and social side back into myself that I had pulled away from. This was actually my best, balanced self.
I had learned that if you get too comfortable, you lose that edge and side of you that is attractive to your partner and yourself.
I took out the mundane. I found out my partner’s interests, even when they changed daily. And didn’t talk about the weather except to know how to dress.
I focused on my partner’s positives. I made lists of the positive things I love about my partner. Not what my partner could do for me (conditional love).
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And by being willing to make the adjustments above, I knew I had found unconditional love. I also became the person that I liked the most.
I wasn’t chasing my partner around and I was striving to be the best me. I could come to the relationship as a happy and whole person. I took on the attitude that if it’s meant to be, then it will all work out. My unconditional love is the glue.
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Previously published on “Hello, Love”, a Medium publication.
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Photo credit: istockphoto.com