Here’s a story about a guy, a CEO, who struggled to go after what he wanted with his wife. All that changed with one simple question, which I’ll offer to you momentarily.
Up front, people tend to think CEO’s have it made. They’ve achieved success. They’ve made their money. But the reality is they’re humans, just like you and me.
Tom, a CEO client of mine, had success at work. He was highly valued. He had a great team. As the leader of a software company, he got a lot of respect and trust.
But at home, it was a totally different story.
Do you feel valued at work but not at home?
If so, you have a lot in common with Tom.
On the job, all day long, Tom runs a large organization. Like many of us hard-working guys, he’s got a lot on his plate.
And when he comes home after work, he just wants a simple hello from his wife.
Is a simple hello too much to ask from your wife?
But what he gets instead is apathy. She doesn’t even acknowledge him most of the time. Whether she’s on the phone, glued to Instagram, making dinner, it’s the same.
Man, this really gets under his skin. And he feels righteous that he shouldn’t have to ask for something as simple as a hello.
So, he gripes and moans about it. But that doesn’t get him what he wants.
Underneath that hello is a desire for an acknowledgement of his efforts, for his family, for her, and for all that he supports.
More than a hello, Tom wants connection, respect, and kindness from his wife. But he doesn’t get it because he clams up and withdraws, fearing rejection again, as has been his prior track record.
The crazy thing is all day long he can effectively ask a lot of things of people at work, but at home, he’s a different man. Dare I say, a wimp.
Do you struggle to ask your wife for what you want?
Maybe like Tom, you feel invisible to her.
A lot of guys retreat and think. F*#k it. I shouldn’t have to ask for such simple things like respect or trust.
They internalize a belief that she’s the problem. She’s not open. She’s always busy. I’m last on her list.
But what if the problem wasn’t her and it was you?
Maybe, like Tom, all you want is a simple hello when you come home from work.
Or you want her to be open with you, inquisitive, desirous of connection. Hell, even just ask about your day in a way that’s not functional.
Maybe you want occasional affection, touch, physical connection.
Is touch too much for a guy to ask for?
Of course not. So why doesn’t he ask for it?
“Oh, I’ve tried. She’s too busy. She doesn’t like to be touched.”
Guys, even successful guys like Tom, can be full of excuses when it comes to their wives. Why is that?
I’ll tell you why. And it’s central to the one question I referred to earlier. A question I’ll ask you.
While guys like Tom may be confident and authoritative at work, they come home and regress into a younger, disempowered part of themselves.
And from this younger part of himself, a guy makes his wife out to be the problem. In doing so, he puts himself in a weak position.
And he asks for things, if he asks at all, from a needy or demanding place. And that’s a major turn off to his wife.
What if you could go after what you want from your wife with courage and confidence?
In the video below I offer you that one question that will help you go from neediness with your wife to a place of confidence and authority.
In the text below, I speak more about that question.
So, what’s that one question?
It may be a hard question to answer just reading an email. But give it your best shot.
This is something I did with Tom that helped him drastically improve how he asserted himself with his wife.
First, go to a recent memory with your wife, when you wanted to ask something of her and you didn’t, or you did and it didn’t go so well.
Consider that moment of struggle. Maybe it’s still alive for you right now.
What is the biggest thing you struggle to ask for from her? That one thing you really want in your marriage?
Literally, visualize it. Notice how it feels in your body to be in front of her. Maybe you feel vulnerable or uncertain. Notice the thoughts in your mind.
Really, pause, and do it, to get the maximum benefit for yourself.
Now, ask yourself this question.
How old am I?
Answer based on what you feel in your body, in your heart, not your literal age.
Chances are you’re a younger version of yourself. Maybe 8 or 10 or 12 years old.
That’s right. In a moment of marital struggle, most guys regress to a younger, disempowered age. Just like you were as a boy, when you had little control or influence over the adults around you, and you felt helpless.
Most of us grew up in this childhood reality and we unconsciously carried it into our marriages.
Who’s running you with her – the boy or the man?
This question – How old am I? – tells you instantly.
The boy is whiney and needy. The man is calm and confident.
The boy is sad and mopey. The man is problem-solving and productive.
How do you get what you want from your wife?
Come from the place of the adult.
The man. He’s not needy, he’s just clear. He doesn’t worry about the impact of his requests on his wife. He’s confident he can deliver it authentically and kindly.
He’s got conviction that he’s worthy to get what he wants. And he’s willing to lead in his marriage.
Separate the boy from the man and you’ll be in a much more empowered position to create the fulfilling marriage you want.
So, you’re in your adult mind now. Now what?
Implement the three key strategies, spoken to in the video above, that the adult man can use to get what he wants from his wife.
Short on time? Save the video link and check it out later.
Getting the maximum value out of this question requires practice, guidance, and accountability. And that’s what I did for Tom.
When his wife saw a confident man in the room, instead of a needy boy, she responded receptively like never before. He got his hellos and much more.
This is what you call a man leading his wife. And that’s sexy as hell to a woman.
Previously Published on stuartmotola.com