Have you ever considered if your happiness depends on external factors?
Ever said the phrase “I will be happy when I get/do/achieve…”?
Maybe you’ve felt like you can’t feel good about yourself without the approval and validation of other people?
If you jumped out from your seat wide-eyed and screamed “Yeah, that’s me!”, or felt personally offended by how much the above sentences applied to you, maybe you need to work on your emotional independence.
As psychotherapist Ilene S. Cohen explains in her article, emotional independence is:
“… a type of inner resilience that lets you know you can meet, solve, and be with any circumstance you face. It means building your sense of self on your own, without depending on others to make you happy or tell you who you should be.”
Being emotionally independent and surrounding yourself with people who have cultivated emotional independence is essential for a happy, authentic, and fulfilled life. Here’s how you can identify people with this trait as well as how you can cultivate it yourself.
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They Don’t Look For External Sources Of Validation
“What the superior man seeks is in himself; what the small man seeks is in others.”
― Confucius
What it means:
Not looking for external sources of validation means not being completely reliant on other people’s praise and attention in order to feel good about yourself.
Admittedly, everyone needs external validation from time to time. It’s normal to want to hear your partner saying you’re beautiful, or your mother telling you she’s proud of you. But relying solely on external approval and praise can go too far.
Emotionally independent people don’t tie their self-esteem to external sources of validation and their self-worth doesn’t depend on how other people are feeling toward them.
They’re confident in themselves and their choices and know how to create a sense of fulfillment and happiness by turning within.
How you can achieve it:
Breaking free from the addiction to external praise and validation is a long-term process that requires work, patience, and resilience. The good news? It’s something you are absolutely capable of achieving.
Here are some steps you can take to become better at self-validation:
- discover your character-strengths
- accept your flaws and limitations (it’s okay, everyone has a couple of them!)
- take a mind trip into your past and acknowledge all your successes and efforts
- start talking to yourself as you would talk to a friend
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They Constantly Rewire Their Thinking Patterns
“A man is but the product of his thoughts; what he thinks, he becomes.” — Mahatma Gandhi
What it means:
Nowadays, it seems like everyone has an opinion on how you should behave, what you should wear, and how you should talk. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed and not good enough in comparison to other people’s lives — just spend 15 minutes on Instagram.
When negative and distressing thoughts pop into their heads, emotionally independent people don’t let them influence them too much. What they do instead, is some mental filtering: they filter out the negatives of a situation along with the things they cannot change and focus on the positives and the things they can change.
They constantly rewire their thinking patterns to their advantage, look at every situation from a realistic perspective, and avoid personalization, overgeneralization, and catastrophizing.
How you can achieve it:
In order to be able to rewire your (harmful) thinking patterns, you should first become aware of your thoughts. Some things that could help with that are:
- meditation
- setting some time aside every day to observe your thoughts (even if it’s 10 minutes)
- journalling
- writing/blogging
Once you’ve learned to become more aware of your thoughts, you can start the process of learning how to rewire your thinking patterns, by:
- identifying your triggers and distortions
- asking a friend to challenge your assumptions and perspectives
- writing down and assessing your thoughts
- establishing new habits
- searching for things you’re grateful for every day
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They Are Able to Let People and Things Go
“Last night I lost the world, and gained the universe.” — C. JoyBell C.
What it means:
Letting go is rarely easy, especially if your mind and heart are singing two entirely different songs. Yet, the ability to no longer ruminate on things long gone, is a powerful skill and indicative of emotional independence.
An emotionally independent person is aware that the more focused they are on the past, the more they let it control their present and future.
Letting people go and letting go of situations and things outside your control means that you release overwhelmingly negative emotions, stop living in constant regret or anger, and move forward in a growth-oriented way.
How you can achieve it:
Admittedly, the more emotion you have tied to a particular event, situation, or person, the more difficult it is to move on. Some steps that can help you slowly loosen your grip are:
- Introspection — you need to examine your thoughts and feelings in order to identify what’s holding you back
- Physical distance — when you put distance between yourself and the person or situation that’s causing you pain, it becomes easier to clear your mind, process your emotions, and shift your focus to other things
- Mindfulness — the whole point of mindfulness is learning to be present and turning our minds and focus on what’s happening now (which means spending less energy on the past and everything that comes with it)
- Personal growth — embarking on a personal growth journey will not only serve as a distraction from your negative thoughts but will also make you feel empowered and more independent
They Are Realistic Optimists
“I always like to look on the optimistic side of life, but I am realistic enough to know that life is a complex matter.” — Walt Disney
What it means:
Being a realistic optimist means combining a positive attitude toward life with a realistic one. Or, in other words, staying optimistic that things will eventually work out for you, but also acknowledging the challenges and hurdles that’ll you probably have to face.
Emotional independence and realistic optimism are intertwined because the latter contributes to the former. Realistic optimism increases your confidence in your own strengths and your ability to make things happen, instead of waiting for the universe to reward you for your positivity — or relying on another person to help you succeed.
Emotionally independent people are positive they will succeed and reach their goals but are also aware they’ll have to fight their way through unexpected obstacles and armor themselves with tons of persistence.
How you can achieve it:
Optimism is truly helpful only when it’s realistic. Here’s how you can be hopeful about the future and be also prepared to deal with it effectively:
- pinpoint what success looks like to you and what you want to accomplish
- acknowledge your weaknesses as you do with your strengths
- identify potential challenges and obstacles, but instead of letting them overwhelm you, think about potential strategies and steps you can take to overcome them
- always come up with a plan B
- accept that the future comes with uncertainty
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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