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Have you ever wondered what the right amount of effort to put in with a guy is?
Should you let him know you’d like to go on a date with him? And what about after the date…
Should you let him know you’d like to see him again if you felt the date went well but he’s not being proactive about setting up another one?
Where is the line between showing a guy you like him, and chasing someone who’s simply not that interested?
It can be tricky. But I want to make it simple.
You may have heard me say, “Invest in those who invest in you.” But that could leave you wondering to yourself: “Fine Matthew, but so often that means I’m doing nothing because no one is investing in me! And doesn’t someone need to take the first step to invest something if anything is ever going to happen?”
It’s a valid point. I’ll show you exactly how to solve this at the end of the video, so make sure you watch it through.
Transcript provided by YouTube:
00:00
so last week i ended with the conclusion
00:04
on a bunch of terms like ghosting
00:05
zombies haunting that
00:07
they all just represented low investment
00:10
and therefore
00:11
were all indicative of a central problem
00:14
which was that we
00:15
tend to invest in people based on how
00:17
much we like them
00:19
not based on how much they are investing
00:21
in
00:22
us and i’ve said this ad nauseam over
00:24
the course of the last decade of my life
00:26
the people that follow me a lot will be
00:28
able to repeat this phrase
00:30
easily because i say it so much invest
00:32
in those
00:33
who invest in you don’t invest in
00:35
someone based on how much you like them
00:37
but there is a challenge to this that i
00:40
think is
00:40
interesting because it adds a little
00:42
nuance someone could easily say
00:45
but matthew and by the way someone did
00:46
say this i was on a podcast with
00:48
lisa biliu on her women of impact
00:50
podcast i am not a woman of impact
00:53
but i graciously was allowed to come on
00:55
the podcast as an honorary male she said
00:57
to me upon hearing this i
00:58
love that but doesn’t that get you into
01:00
a kind of standoff with someone where
01:03
you’re both holding your gun
01:05
getting waiting for the other person to
01:07
draw before you do anything
01:08
can it lead to a situation where
01:10
relationships are simply transactions
01:13
where you wait for somebody else to
01:14
invest before you do anything
01:16
at all this is where a principal comes
01:20
in
01:21
to temper this idea we have to invest
01:24
and then test this is something a phrase
01:27
that my brother stephen hussey who
01:28
writes for our
01:29
website how to get the guy dot com
01:31
coined
01:32
[Music]
01:36
invest then test in other words
01:39
give a little and then see if they move
01:42
a little to meet you where you are
01:44
i think about this from the first moment
01:46
you meet someone you know
01:48
you see someone in a coffee shop it’s
01:50
like you both
01:51
maybe you both are attracted you both
01:53
want to talk to each other
01:55
one person at some point has got to make
01:56
it easier on both of you
01:58
right someone has to take responsibility
01:59
for making it a bit easier so
02:01
what happens maybe one person goes and
02:04
sits
02:04
close to that person right i know we
02:06
live in a world now where the idea of
02:08
going and sitting close to someone seems
02:10
like a thing of the past what an
02:11
anachronism
02:12
but let’s just take the concept in in we
02:15
have to be able to talk about normal
02:16
things sometimes my god if not only to
02:18
illustrate a point you go sit somewhat
02:20
close to that person that person oh
02:22
there’s a person i was making eye
02:24
contact with is now sitting kind of
02:25
close to me
02:26
now one person says you’re right you
02:28
know i like that
02:29
what you’ve ordered there looks
02:30
delicious and then no it is delicious
02:32
i’ve had it before
02:33
how are you what’s your name now you’ve
02:36
got a conversation that’s happening
02:37
because both people they put in a little
02:39
bit put in a little bit sometimes in the
02:41
beginning one person has to overcome
02:43
another person’s shyness and do
02:44
something a bit more drastic
02:46
go over and just start talking to them
02:48
because this person is never going to
02:50
come over of their own volition that
02:52
happens at that stage then there’s the
02:53
later stages of
02:55
okay when we’re in the texting phase
02:58
i need to look and see as jameson and i
03:00
have talked about previously in a video
03:02
am i in the blue we text all the time
03:07
sami the colours look at the colours
03:12
you’re in the blue mate
03:17
when i send them meaty messages where i
03:20
actually say
03:21
things do they send me quick one word or
03:23
three word answers
03:25
that’s a form of taking a leap of faith
03:28
that
03:28
well i like someone so i’m gonna let
03:30
them know about it and i’m going to see
03:32
how they respond but then
03:33
actually paying attention to the
03:35
response is the
03:37
investment equal or do you always feel
03:40
like you’re the one investing a lot more
03:43
than that person
03:44
is invest then test i don’t mean
03:48
test in the manipulative game playing
03:50
sense simply
03:51
measure like what’s the reaction in
03:53
dating in general
03:54
i think one of the big problems is we
03:56
don’t do enough
03:57
communicating but we do too much
04:00
chasing communicating is
04:04
letting someone know that you like them
04:05
i find you attractive i’d love to hang
04:07
out sometime i’d like we should go for a
04:09
coffee or i’m i’m
04:10
i’m into you you know i i like something
04:12
about you or you look cute
04:14
in that that top or whatever that’s
04:16
communicating what i’m doing there is
04:19
showing that i like you
04:22
chasing is when you continue
04:26
to invest in someone you continue
04:30
to keep chasing them to keep giving them
04:33
energy
04:34
long after the point of having already
04:36
communicated that you like them
04:38
and without the equivalent return
04:43
of attention of interaction from them
04:46
that’s
04:46
chasing i’m a huge proponent of
04:49
communicating
04:50
and someone who’s trying to stop people
04:53
from
04:53
chasing when i say invest in who invests
04:56
in you
04:57
it’s not about always waiting for
04:59
someone else to make the first move
05:01
investing a little bit so that someone
05:03
knows where you stand so that someone
05:05
knows that you like them so that someone
05:06
knows you’re open to a date so that
05:08
someone knows that you’d like to see
05:09
them for a second date so that someone
05:11
knows that you find them attractive
05:13
sexy appealing as a human being that’s
05:16
brave
05:16
that’s vulnerable that’s courageous
05:18
chasing someone
05:21
is a sign of low self-worth
05:24
losing our own self-respect and having
05:26
put someone on a pedestal
05:28
and i say put someone on a pedestal
05:29
because how can someone be so great that
05:31
you continue to chase them when they’re
05:33
not giving you that back
05:35
no one can be that great because
05:38
greatness
05:39
someone who’s great for a relationship
05:40
with you doesn’t just come in the form
05:42
of someone who’s got great qualities it
05:43
comes in the form of someone
05:45
who represents a great energy in your
05:48
life represents a great investment
05:50
in you as a human being you can’t have
05:53
one without the other you can’t have
05:54
someone who’s great for a relationship
05:56
but doesn’t invest
05:58
so chasing is chasing someone who you
06:00
admire who you think is great
06:02
but someone who ultimately is not
06:04
actually investing in building something
06:07
with you invest a little so that you can
06:09
test whether you get anything back
06:12
and only continue to invest in those
06:15
who invest in you
06:41
you
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Photo credit: Screenshot from video
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