I dated one asshole way back after my university days. He was everything I wanted in a man, hot, artistic, jovial, and very confident in himself.
Everything was nice and rosy at the beginning. Things started to go downhill when he got fired from his job so we had to rely on my paycheck as the only source of income.
When he got a job at a pharmaceutical store, his attitude changed, he went from being the carefree supportive man I knew to a demanding asshole.
He was always in a bad mood. Every single day after work. He’d constantly harp and complain about how hard his life was and would berate me for earning more than he did.
He started to get really jealous of my friends too, especially my guy friends. He would say stupid shit like “family is all you need. Friends are a burden and will fuck you over.”
He’d get pissed if I came home late from work and would question me excessively. He would shame me for having girls out and drinking, even though I never came home drunk. He was the righteous one and I was the naughty slut.
Sex felt like a daily job for me. If I was too tired or just don’t feel like it, he would get pissed and insult me. Sometimes he would accuse me of cheating and say it was why I didn’t want to have sex with him.
I remember once falling asleep while giving him head I was so tired and not turned on. He flipped out on me, pushed my head away and turned around, and went to sleep.
Sometimes he used sex as a weapon. I could only have sex with him if I hadn’t drank in the past week or if I didn’t come home late from work.
Other times, he would insist I do the laundry, cook, and tidy up the house before we had sex. By the time I’m done with his list of chores, I would be too tired for sex and lose the desire, then he gets angry at me for turning down his offer.
He made me cut ties with most of my guy friends because he was too damn possessive. At first, I thought it was love-that he was just being protective but then, I started changing.
I would get aggressive at any slightest provocation at work. My boss, an elder man in his early sixties noticed my attitude change so he referred me to his shrink.
It was the therapist that made me realize I was dealing with a manipulative punk. When I told him I was going to stay with my mum for a while to get myself together, he flipped.
He didn’t care that I was on the verge of losing my job because of him. He didn’t care my sanity was depreciating day by day. He tried to guilt trip me for not allowing him to help with my recovery.
I got fed up with his borderline abusive behavior and dumped his ass one morning before I packed my things and moved back to my mum’s.
I have had a similar experience with a narcissist but for a manipulator, the signs are slightly different and complicated. A manipulator might mean well but they just don’t know their actions and way of thinking is wrong.
The psychology behind emotional manipulation
Most of us use manipulation to get people to do the things we want to do. Sometimes, when we are having a bad day or don’t know how to communicate how we feel, we tend to resort to manipulation in order to let someone know what we want from them.
However, some people are habitually or pathologically manipulative and must be handled with care.
Manipulators distort to gaslighting to instill self-doubt in their victims, making them question their own rights, motivations, or abilities. Gaslighting is designed to make you doubt your guy instinct and question your moral judgment.
They take advantage of people’s vulnerability. They tend to play the victim or remind you of past favors, instilling a sense of obligation or sympathy that makes them more likely to get what they want.
Sometimes a manipulative person will make a comparison between you and another person to provoke you. They may use a specific person to make you feel insecure or try to make it seem like “everyone” is doing what they want you to do.
A manipulator may also use love bombing to trap you in an unhealthy relationship. You may notice he showers you with praise and affection and buys you gifts every time he hurts you to prevent you from leaving him.
The goal of manipulation is to maintain control over you, and making you feel bad about yourself can be one-way manipulators exert their power over you and keep you complacent. They use your weakness against you.
It can be very confusing, but once you take a step back and have an honest look at what’s happening, it’s not hard to see their true colors.
How to stop a manipulator in their track
I know spotting a manipulative person can be a challenge. So the only way to know for sure is by accessing how you feel around them.
Don’t ever waste your time with a partner who tries to exert power over you and your life. No matter how much you love them. A healthy relationship should be uplifting not the other way round.
If you notice your partner makes you feel unworthy or he disrespects you over any slightest provocation, he always judges everything you do or you find yourself apologizing a lot for things that don’t matter, then apply these strategies below to defend yourself from the manipulator.
Set the rules of engagement in your favor
If you set a boundary, be wary of anyone who tries to cross it. You man should know what he can or cannot accept in his relationship but if he wants to stay then he should be ready to respect your boundaries.
Avoid tolerating bad behaviors. Point out his inappropriate behavior. If he does something that doesn’t align with your personality, call him out. And insist he stops doing things that make you uncomfortable.
Be sure to only set boundaries you are willing to sustain. Otherwise, you are simply teaching an abusive person.
Get involved in sports activities that will boost your self-confidence
Having high self-esteem is difficult in today’s world. And when you’re always around a manipulator who makes you feel less than you are, you lose every meaning to life.
Boosting my self-esteem is one of the most common objectives I heard in therapy. I have learned identifying the negative and positive sides of my personality has helped me feel happier.
Maybe you can start by focusing on the positive side of specific areas you are working on. For example, you can identify 3 positive achievements you had that day and remind yourself of these successes every day.
Write down your mantra and recite it each morning. As you continue to speak positivity into your life, you will begin to grow your confidence and self-esteem.
Physical activity like yoga or meditation that engages with nature will help you reconnect with your intuition and release negative emotional stress.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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