Tamara Star reveals common yet avoidable relationship mistakes men often make.
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“Love is the greatest refreshment in life.” — Pablo Picasso
Picasso’s artistic style changed over periods of time that could be marked by the phases of his heart. His blue/green period arrived after the suicidal death of his friend Carlos Casagemas, while his rose period gave birth along with his love for bohemian artist Fernande Olivier.
Keeping love alive in the midst of time’s inevitable wear and tear is the real art we need to master.
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We’re all artists when it comes to creating our own life, and while we know that love is the greatest gift we can give, and the greatest gift to receive, keeping love alive in the midst of time’s inevitable wear and tear is the real art we need to master.
A woman’s love won’t let go easily once your face has embedded itself inside her heart, and because of this, her loyalty can last far longer than it realistically should. We’ve all seen this as we shake our heads and silently wish a female friend would just dump the bloke once and for all.
And while most women won’t let go easily or without great effort to save your sinking ship, there are a few ways to lose the woman you love forever.
1. Stop doing the little things like holding her hand and looking into her eyes.
Women fall in love over the little things. Movies may lead us to believe that grand gestures are the way into a woman’s heart, but it’s the little things you do that sink a hook deep into her psyche. Holding her hand for no reason and looking into her eyes when you talk to her activates feelings of her really mattering to you. Touching her hair, letting distractions pass when she’s talking, and kissing her goodbye are the golden moments she lingers over in her mind’s eye when you’re away. We all know the quickest way to kill love is to take someone for granted, and the first thing to go when you wander down that dead end path are the little gestures. Lead her down this alley and you won’t be able to find her on your return out.
2. Don’t ask her questions or try to get to know her.
Let her beauty and what you think she can offer you drive your attention. Once she realizes you don’t really know her, understand where she’s been, or hold any of her secrets, she’ll realize she doesn’t matter to you and she will leave. For a short period of time, you might be able to hold her attention through flattery of her physical appearance, but women are smart and they’ll eventually sense the emptiness of your connection. While knowing that you are attracted to her beauty is important, your focus on her appearance throws you back into the pack of the many others she encounters in her world that mean nothing to her heart.
3. Don’t listen to her when she talks to you or even better yet, interrupt when she’s sharing her heart with corrections to her thinking and answers for her problems.
Women solve problems and soothe their own stress by talking to someone that will listen. If you don’t hear her out, she will talk faster and faster repeating herself over and over again, getting louder and more emotional until she just finally stops trying. At that point, the sound of her silence will let you know that while she may still be sitting in front of you, her permanent exit is looming.
4. Don’t allow her to feel safe and relax into your love.
Get defensive when she questions you and refuse to accept that women step closer by testing the water. When a woman is falling deeper into love with you she will push back a bit, test you and question your actions, words and motives to see if you’re the real deal. Whether you’ve been together for a month or for decades, this testing never stops. A man who has the ability to keep his woman, lets these tests and these questions roll off his back, calmly knowing they have nothing to do with him and everything to do with his woman stepping closer.
5. Take everything as an attack on your character and meet your woman with defensiveness and anger.
We’ve all been hurt, we all have fears and we all have tender spots that need extra TLC, but if you haven’t healed your past pain, you will be like a newly formed blister overly tender to every brush of contact. Ignore your own issues and instead react to everything she might say or do with gusto as though it were a personal attack planned to orchestrate an insulting demise on your manhood, and soon your pain will be spared forever.
6. Don’t make her special or allow her to relax into knowing she’s your woman.
Keep your options open through regular flirtations and intimate sharing with other females and remember to hold nothing but sex special between the two of you. Intimacy literally translates as: into you I see. By keeping the doorway open to many others through Facebook flirts and cute little text, you’ll ensure that there’s nothing special between the two of you other than sex. Over time, she’ll slowly fade into the same creamy vanilla flavor of your many other intimate connections.
7. Make sex your be all- end all- expression of love.
Stop kissing her for no reason other than to initiate sex so when you do kiss her, if she’s not feeling in the mood for sex, she won’t respond. Don’t caress her outside of the bedroom, and don’t flirt with her or seduce her throughout the day like you used to, but always expect her to respond to you as passionately as ever.
8. Stop joking and making her laugh.
Humor is the glue that keeps couples together and happy for the long haul. Start taking yourself really seriously so that every joke is a personal dig and ignore the little things that might make you both laugh by not being present in the moment with her. Let yourself be preoccupied with what’s really important in your world and ignore the silly little things you used to laugh about. Over time, she will give you the room you thought you wanted when you were just too busy to play.
9. Check out when you’re with her by using your phone constantly.
Remember that your time and attention are far more important than hers and trust that she doesn’t have anything better to do then sit across from you at the table and watch you check your phone. Keep in mind that the calls, text and emails she lets sit on the back burner while she’s with you aren’t really as important as yours, and know that over time, she’ll give you all the space you need with your mobile device…permanently.
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In many ancient traditions, the number nine is considered to represent completion so I’ll stop here. Like artwork, there comes a time to stop thinking about what you want to create and instead start creating. Unfortunately, too many of us make a brief effort and then go on auto pilot forgetting that it takes consistent practice to master the art of love; yet when we do make the effort, we create a masterpiece that never grows boring to look at.
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Originally posted via Tamara Star via The Elephant Journal
Photo: Everystock Photo
Just curious. As a women, should you not be giving advice to women? This article, well written as it is, seems to be more of a male training manual than anything else although some items (phone checking) seems more applicable to women. Is success in a relationships not based on mutuality of consideration, respect, love, passion and friendship? Should we maybe consider changing the conversation from what Men should do or not do and what Women should do or not do, to what people should do or not do? I think that as people we have more in common than… Read more »
Good article. On point.
Hi Tamara
Thanks for a good article. I like it .
Actually Tamara there is truth in your.We depend on nonverbal communication all the time to confirm or deny what people say to us.Many communication experts agree that words comprise a small portion of how humans communicate.Facial expressions are one of those methods we use to communicate nonverbally.Facial expressions are thought to be a far more reliable method of judging meaning than just words.Words, as true indicators of what we think and feel, are very,very, unreliable.
Anonymous
For sure, absolutely non verbal is important. AND, we must have clear and healthy communication skills to have a successful and enduring relationship. Like it or not, women are verbal creatures.
Steve,I would argue that applying some logic to love is a good thing.So much of how we understand love to be is shrouded in nonsensical,overwrought romanticism.This leads to a lack of accountability.After all,how can someone be held accountable when they can simply say love is crazy and unpredicable?Why bother with exchanging sacred marriage vows if,in the end, they aren’t sacred at all?This romantic nonsense cheapens real love which should be rooted in the reality of how relationships work.Flowers and candy on Valentine’s Day will not save a busted relationship.
Hey coach.mass,
I know what you’re saying and I agree that logic applies when we’re trying to communicate and understand behavior and accountability.
My point was about avoiding the logic trap when trying to understand FEELINGS of attraction. Judging someone as right or wrong because of what they feel and how they feel attraction is a waste of time. This judgment sounds like, “Why do you always…?” or “Why can’t you…?” or “I just don’t understand why you…”
Have you ever tried to tell a woman that her feelings just don’t make any sense?
This is usually not very apparent but one of the biggest flaws in male/female relationship dynamics is that the male is expected to continually be acting on a ‘higher plane’ than the female. He must constantly be aware of what he says, how he phrases things & how he handles responses to his partner i.e. instead of a natural angry reaction he should be trying to turn a potentially negative situation into a positive one. On the other hand….him seeking emotional support in times of vulnerability or displays of fragility usually result in her resenting him for it (not necessarily… Read more »
Seven, I think what you said is mostly spot on. It’s true. What should a man do with this truth? I’m offering a different perspective for men who have a negative reaction to your points. Women are strongly attracted to men who choose to operate on a higher plane of their own choosing – according to their own values – not giving a crap about what she thinks of him. Women love men who don’t agonize over how to respond or what to say because they speak from their own sense of value and self-respect. From this place, his words… Read more »
Thanks Steve. Wise words!
Seven, that is an assumption of my post and not at all what I believe. There is a wonderful article on GMP written by a man entitled How to Lose the Man You Love…forever. My post was written from a woman’s point of view because I’m woman and written about a man because I’m hetero.
My comment was not a direct response to your article & I had already read the Raymond Bachard article before posting here. It is just a point I thought was somewhat relevant to the topics both articles bring up. What I wrote was not in a ‘blaming women’ type of way & I understand most women won’t agree with it, maybe that’s because if they have ever experienced loss of attraction for a boyfriend/husband who has been emotional, vulnerable or fragile over time it’s usually not via logical reasoning, it comes about very subconsciously & by the time it’s apparent… Read more »
Yep, these are the habits that killed both of my marriages!
I don’t know why 3 of my comments were posted ,when 1 would have sufficed.Sorry,I did not mean for this to happen.
My understanding of communication between heteros is that,for the most part,men and women hear and speak differently.My personal and anecdoctal experiences as a brother,a father,a Coach,and, friend confirms this as true.Further complicating matters is our misplaced reliance on verbal communication exclusively as the methodology to fix what ails us.This simply does not, will not work.This exchange from the comedy,”Baby’s Daddy” illustrates why it does not work. Woman to male friend:”Why hasn’t he called me?!I just don’t get it!!??” Response from male friend:Didn’t you tell him you never want to see him again? Woman:”Yeah,but I didn’t mean it! He should know… Read more »
“Don’t allow her to feel safe…”
This is a good point…I felt myself drifting further and further away from my husband…he was not listening or acting in concert with me….he was doing stuff on his own or with his friend…without consulting me..it seemed in some ways that he was married more to his friend than to me….it all came to a head when I learned about my diagnosis and I had to put a stop to his destructive ways….How can a family survive a cancer diagnosis if the partners are not working together in the same direction?
Seeking clarity through words alone just doesn’t work.This does not work because good faith and integrity are,in culture,hard to find. Too often, too many women say they believe in or feel a certain way about an issue only to change abruptly.This will be followed up by poor excuses like,”I didn’t know I would feel that way.”The cultural expectation is that this behavior is ok.After all,she is a woman.The old adage states,”It is a woman’s perogative to change her mind.” Meanwhile,”a man’s word is his bond.” I have yet to meet a woman who handles my insecurities with the normalized care… Read more »
Other than words? Miming?
Just teasing. Ogwriter, I would add to your comment and say that if a relationship is to the point where you must question the honesty of your partner, it’s time to exit. Trust, integrity, truth. Without those 3, any relationship is doomed.
To this list I would also add:
Don’t include her in your life. Make sure that she doesn’t have a sense of belonging in your circle. Don’t tell your people about her.
This will ensure that she doesn’t feel confident that you want her to be with you, and will make her feel insecure.
“And vice versa, women shouldn’t have to engage in those games with their men. If the woman feels like she can’t vocalize her real feelings and insecurities with her partner, she’s probably with the wrong man.” Mensanity, the secret to an unhappy relationship is to get wrapped up in what women or men “should or shouldn’t” be doing. We’re ALL born with baggage and insecurities. There are LOTS of common patterns in both men and women. Each of us has the ability to choose to understand and respect that baggage and provide the energy needed to help our partner to… Read more »
Right on, Ron. The root of the problem is the woman feels insecure but doesn’t want to verbalize that insecurity so it plays out in these “games”. Men aren’t mind readers. Women can’t expect men to understand that when I do “A” it’s really because I’m feeling “X, Y, Z”. And vice versa, women shouldn’t have to engage in those games with their men. If the woman feels like she can’t vocalize her real feelings and insecurities with her partner, she’s probably with the wrong man.
http://www.mensanity.com
Mensanity, while I agree with your message, your first sentence left me recoiling. “The root of the problem is…” A pretty big generalization. Yes, in some cases for sure. But in other cases, no way.
Bottom line, open honest safe communication is the road to any healthy relationship. And your last sentence? Brilliant. Yes, I agree entirely. Most times, we are with the wrong partner yet continue to bang our head against a door that needs to close.
Thank you for writing.
Hi
Maybe it’s just me, but the way I read it, the header of #4 kind of contrdicts the message therein.
“Just letting it roll off my back” indicates to me that I just shouldn’t pay attention to her?
which is exactly why I suggest a man deal with it when his woman questions him. HEALTHY communication is to question ( i refer to this as testing) him VERSUS creating a story in their head and reacting from that story. See my comment above. A healthy communication pattern is to admit, “I’m feeling scared, I’m feeling uncomfortable, etc. Can you help me understand who so and so is to you, or why you were so late the other night, etc.” UNHEALTHY communication is to write some story in your head and then punish and react from that story. My… Read more »
While the things listed will definitely signal the death march of a relationship, the items themselves are too superficial, and aren’t actual problems in and of themselves, but rather symptoms of the actual problems that will kill your relationship (apathy, over-familiarity, resentment, contempt, lack of emotional control etc.). It’s clear that this is written by a woman, as it only describes the outward symptoms men display in unhappy relationships and how they are generally received by women. There’s nothing wrong with that, and it makes for fun reading, but ultimately it’s not helpful to men, who really need to understand… Read more »
Indeed Rod. But for time and space sake, most posts are under 800 words. You tackle an excellent point in your comment-the deeper issues.
Wow, you really nailed this. As much as I hate to make sweeping generalizations about what “MEN do wrong” or “WOMEN do wrong,” in this case you’re on to some definite common threads.
Thank you Anne. I agree completely~I don’t like generalizations. This was in response to an awesome post Raymond BeChard did on the GMP, How to lose the man you love….forever. It made me stop in my tracks and think hard…so I thought, why not do one for men about women too. 🙂 Thank you T
Number 4 is ridiculous. Any woman worth her salt should be secure enough to stop testing her man. This is complete bullshit that a man shouldn’t have to put up with. Hey, how about using WORDS and say what you’re feeling insecure about instead of making the man jump through obstacles to figure you out? Tests are an immature way to communicate.
http://www.mensanity.com
I reference questioning in regards to testing. Asking questions. Whether you like it or not, women will ask questions when stepping closer to seek clarity. Calling bullshit seems pretty reactive and from the name of your site, should I assume you are male? Wouldnt it be better to seek clarity through your words? I’m speaking for women. Not all, but most. Most healthy women will ask questions and seek clarity when stepping closer to a man. Far healthier to ask than assume the worst. And to think this type of testing doesnt continue between two people is naive. We are… Read more »
I totally agree on this one!
you may hate #4 but you should be grateful that a woman actually admitted it. because it’s true & it will always be true even though most women deny it. so get used to it. this is valid red pill advice she gave everyone.
Thank you Zodak. I’ve been thinking a lot about #4. Wondering if I should have written it differently, yet what I keep coming back to is this: every woman I know personally, every woman I work with through coaching, and every woman that has gone through my reboot program~admits to questioning once in a while to test her man. Women seek information because we’re communication lovers. Just listen to us…we over explain, over answer, over apologize, and over tell our stories to one another because we love to communicate. So for a woman to feel safe enough to admit “hey,… Read more »
This list is easily great advice for women as well. I personally don’t feel that any gender has a “lock” on love. We are all responsible for keeping our relationships active if we want these people in our lives. To single out men for this list is to do a disservice to the great many lads out there who are active participants in their relationships in addition to painting women as emotional martyrs. While I understand that Goo Men Project is male-focused, this list doesn’t need to be.
Hi Lisa, Thanks for commenting and for reading my post. This was written from a woman’s viewpoint as I am a woman. Raymond Bechard did a stellar post from a man’s point of view last week entitled How to lose the man you love…forever. I was inspired by his sharing. Agreed…both sexes can drop the ball.
Thank You, Thank You, Thank You Lisa! Worst feeling? doing all that and not being appreciated. Or worse yet, being made to feel ‘soft’ or a ‘wus’ for being sensitive and attentive!
Takes two to Tango!
I agree each gender doesn’t have a lock on love. But each DOES have a lock on their own masculine and feminine power. They can choose to understand it and control it, or not. Their partner is drawn to feelings of attraction and desire for that “other” in their partner. We also want to feel attractive and desired by our partner and enjoy the sizzling polarity between us. Tamara’s 9 points do a fantastic job of illustrating how a man can use his masculine energy to create feeling (yes feelings, not logic) of connection, trust, and respect. They ring true… Read more »
How do you keep this frame of logic? how do you see this as an attraction to “other” via “masculine” and “feminine” energies. I assume you don’t believe that homosexual relationships are normal, healthy or stable. If humans were made to be attracted to the “other” in people via Gender/sex, then there would be no homosexual relationships.. or nothing but FAILED homosexual relationships. How does your theory work in this regard? I think this is an excuse people use who still want to hold on to the arbitrarily assigned personality traits allowed for people based on their sex. society teaches… Read more »
Hi Lynn, Are you more concerned with the “logic” of my view or the lack of representation for non-hetero relationships? First, who in their right mind tries to apply “logic” to feelings? Relationships, love, and passion don’t have much use for logic. Second, your assumption is totally false. The article I’m commenting on and my singular focus professionally is about men and women. My views and I have no agenda to exclude or judge anyone. And my views are based in what I actually experience working with married men and women longing for feelings of romance and passion. I believe… Read more »
@Lynn,
“…. then why are there so many successful same sex couples?”
Not according to research by Lisa Diamond, see “Sexual Fluidity….” The same dynamic has been observed with lesbian couples.
It does not matter about gender pairings. Why are you making such a big deal about it?
Indeed Jules.
Thank you for understanding this and pointing it out. This kind of thing goes both ways, and if a woman isn’t making the effort to make her man feel like he’s an important part of her life, it’ll just as easy end in the same way.