One day, you’ve given up all your power in your relationship, and you’re left wondering how it happened. This is how.
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Abusive relationships come in many variations. Some are very explicit. They may include physical abuse or intense verbal abuse. While the activities may be hidden from the public, once they are seen it is hard to deny what is happening.
There are also much subtler abusive relationships. These are relationships that can make a person lose their sense of who they are, and cause them to question their own behaviors, even their sanity. This abuse involves exerting power and control in very subtle ways.
When the abuser does it well, it can be almost impossible to see what is happening. The person being abused may not realize it. They may feel it but not be able to explain it. When they seek outside perspective others often think the abuser is a great person and that the victim is overreacting.
To complicate it even more, the abuser may not even be aware of what they are doing. It may be such an ingrained part of their behavior that it isn’t intentional. It is just how they operate and seems natural.
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Chances are you know the techniques this type of person uses. Here are some:
- They control information in a way that lets you be the one saying yes or no.
- If you say no, they provide a reason why outside factors made you say no.
- Being vague so you can’t be held to specifics or can claim you were misinterpreted.
- Claim they are the victim or the one being attacked.
- They change the subject.
- They point out how the other person is misbehaving or letting them down.
As you read through that list it may seem hard to imagine how someone could do these things and not have them stand out glaringly. But when they are done well, they can be easy to miss. And, if you are a person that is used to checking your own behavior you may be more focused on if you are behaving well than if you are monitoring the other person’s behavior.
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The other day I was in a conversation that provided a perfect example of how someone who controls power well can on the surface seem perfectly reasonable. And the truth is, in individual instances any of these things can be reasonable. It is the repeated pattern of these behaviors over time that makes them become abusive.
The conversation I had was via FB so I had the actual text to be able to see these tactics in action. I’m going to use some snippets to demonstrate them.
Here is some background to the conversation: Fred and I run a meetup group. Larry is a member of the group. At our last meeting Larry had engaged in some problematic behavior. Our leadership team felt we needed to meet with Larry to discuss his behavior.
Fred and I were asked to set up a time to talk to Larry. Here is what ensued, with minor edits for privacy, along with my commentary.
Fred: Hi Larry. Jay and I would like to get together with you to discuss what happened at the last meeting. Do you have any time Tuesday to meet for coffee?
Larry: I’ll be out of town. [Said no, but with a reason that wasn’t his choice. He didn’t offer any additional information or suggest another time.]
Fred: Is/are there a time(s) that does/do work?
Larry: Not sure. When are you available? I’m going to be pretty busy with work when I get back. [Didn’t offer any specifics, but asked us to provide specifics. Gave a very generalized excuse that could be easily be applied later in the discussion.]
Fred: I am available fairly easily. I think Jay has a schedule that is less flexible. This week I am available X,Y, Z times. I can also move things around with notice. When do you return?
Larry: This week or next week?
Fred: Yes this week. Next week is pretty wide open now.
Larry: I’ll be out of town this week, like I said before. [Makes it sound like he has offered information, but actually never said he’d be out of town for the week. Implied criticism for not listening to what he “said”.]
Jay, what are good days for you next week? [When Fred was being flexible and not giving ways for Larry to say he couldn’t be, he changed to me on the hopes I’d be less flexible.]
Jay: Right now that’s not heavily booked. If I know when, I can block it off.
Larry: What needs to be discussed? [Even though he is well aware, he changes the subject without ever providing any information, or giving us the ability to say yes to any meeting times.]
Fred: We want to talk about the incident last week. We are both fairly open what days/times work for you?
Larry: What needs to be discussed? I don’t plan on showing up to the group any time soon. [Again, avoids answering the question. Gives an excuse about why there isn’t a need to talk without actually saying he won’t talk.]
Jay: We are asking you to sit down and have a conversation with us. I’m not sure why that’s such an issue.
Larry: It’s not an issue. There’s a lot of underlying trauma involved. Seems you’d understand that. Just curious what the topic is. That’s all. (multiple techniques. 1) Becomes a victim by referencing vague, unspecified “underlying trauma.” 2) Criticizes me by suggesting that since I’m a therapist I should know better even though I don’t know what trauma he is referencing, nor am I acting as a therapist here. 3) Continues to act like he doesn’t know what the meeting will be about.)
The conversation continues like this. Here are a couple more examples.
Larry: Name some times. If they work for me, I’ll be there. [Again, doesn’t offer anything that allows the other person to make a decision. Keeps the power entirely on his side.]
Larry: To be honest, I am not at all eager to meet with you about the incident…I experienced vastly too much stress…I’d like to keep all of that stress, harassment, and trauma behind me…I’ve mindfully tried to put the emotional turmoil behind me. [I’m really the victim and you are trying to make me suffer more.]
The conversation ended when Larry finally suggested a day. Fred asked him to name a time and place to meet and Larry never responded. It looked like he agreed, but he actually did it in such a way to which he couldn’t be held.
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I use the actual discussion to show you how any individual instance can seem perfectly reasonable and defensible. But even a brief conversation of not being able to get answers, having reality changed, and being framed as being abusive or incompetent is exhausting. Imagine being in an intimate relationship where that happens on an ongoing basis.
It wears you down. Every hour of every day of every week. You start to question if what you are doing is wrong. You start believing maybe you are being mean or unreasonable. That’s not who you want to be.
When you talk about it with people outside the system, they suggest you are being overly critical. You may not even really understand what is happening and when you try to give examples they seem petty.
And so it continues. You try to make things better. You end up being the one that accommodates because you don’t want to be mean or unreasonable. But it is always you who accommodates. You are always framed as the problem. You may begin to question your own sanity. It has to go your partner’s way. And even then you may be at fault.
And one day you’ve given up all of your power. You are left always trying to do it better. Your entire identity is defined by your partner. It might escalate to other types of abuse at some point, but it may not. Eventually others may see it. They may say you seem like a shell of your former self. And then they’ll whisper to one another…”How did that happen to such a smart, strong, independent person?”
This is how it happens.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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That seems so familiar; worst part is that it works and I end up feeling like an unfair b!tch.
Luzy, that’s exactly right. You get framed as the problem either way. Either you can’t be good enough or you are unreasonable when you try to set boundaries.