This is the reality for many dads: your work hours mean you don’t see your children. You get home just before bedtime or even after.
Yes, it isn’t only dads, but it’s mostly dads.
I have experience, both as a child and as a parent. My family lived in 2 countries and we weren’t always together. As a father, I’m trying to do better.
Here are some suggestions from personal experiences, whether you have a few hours after you get home and before they go to sleep, or none. I’ll discuss what you could do in each of these scenarios.
1- You have 2 or more hours before bedtime
It isn’t just hard if you don’t have enough time, it can be even if you have time! Before we talk about what practical things you can do, first, a reminder to myself and you.
Whatever you do, don’t make your presence at home a source of fear for your family. At best, your presence should signal joy, calm, and stability. You don’t want your kids to feel scared as soon as you walk through the door or feel uncomfortable around you.
Wait, what? why would they?
Here are a couple of possible reasons:
☛ In some families, the dad is the one who disciplines. “I’m gonna tell your dad,” sounds familiar? If you know, you know. Why not mix things up? Share the serious conversations with your partner, and do some of the fun stuff each.
☛ You come home exhausted, expecting peace and comfort. You wanna change or shower, stretch on the sofa, and…I’m sorry, those days are gone.You don’t even know what you’re getting into as you walk through the door. So you start yelling. Or maybe you start commenting on every little mistake everyone is doing, because it’s a jungle out there. Don’t! ❌
By the time you are home, they have been home for 2 or 3 hours. Bedtime is approaching and they start to get funny. But some days there is a good chance they haven’t even changed yet.
So what could you do?
- Work on a structure for the evenings. You can split those chores between you and your partner or take over part of it. You could also agree to spend time or play with the younger kid(s) while they assist the other(s) with their homework, etc.
- Show interest. Most kids don’t like or know how to respond to questions like “how was school.” But you can ask if you can look at their books. Check teachers’ notes, pretend you don’t understand something there. They will most likely be happy to explain it to you. Be more tactful with older kids as they might want to keep you as far as possible from their bag!
- Help hang one of their drawings, laminate a certificate, or celebrate something they’ve done.
- Do something together such as drawing, making art, or playing a quick indoor game.
- Help them with the bedtime routine. Reading to them is one of the best things you could do.
- Keep your phone out of sight, or on silent mode.
- Keep work at work. If you want to work, try after they sleep.
Remember: you don’t have to take a holiday and travel to Europe to spend quality time with your family. Just “being there” most days can be enough. Use this time to create happy memories.
Twenty years later, kids might not remember the things you did together, but they remember how they felt when dad came home from work.
Photo by kabita Darlami on Unsplash
2- You have about an hour or less time most days
I’ve been there. At various stages, my job demanded a lot more than 8 hours a day. I still have days like this but less often.
Here are things you can try to make this little time meaningful:
- Finish work tasks before you go home. If you “have to” finish emails or admin stuff as soon as you go home, you are reducing your time at home. Try to finish it all before you’re home.
- Read to them before bedtime. This might be the most realistic thing you could do.
- Have a light snack or dinner together, no phones.
- Prepare their lunch box(es) together before they sleep. If not, try preparing the lunch box on your own (if you don’t already). They will probably know it’s you. Why not leave a note with too?
- Adjust to their needs. You might feel you should teach them something or have 1:1 deep conversations, but your kids might want to ride on your back and have a laugh.
Photo by Hasan Almasi on Unsplash
3- You don’t have any time to see kids after work
Most days, you arrive home after kids have slept. I know you wouldn’t be in this situation unless you have to — like I did. If you’re not already planning to change this work pattern over the next few years, please start.
But there are still things you could do. If you have the weekend to spend with family, great! Try to be deliberate about spending it. Plan (together) so you get to have fun and rest, too. Avoid adding more pressure to the weekend because you want to make up for the time you couldn’t spend with them. It’s also OK if your kids (or you) want to plan your own thing from time to time.
There are some ideas:
- Call them during a break at work. A video call would also be great.
- Send them a picture of you at work or a voice note.
- Wake up early, and spend some time before they head to school.
- Do the school runs if you can.
- Leave them a note before you head off for work. Leave a little gift from time to time.
- Regularly check for any events at or out of school (talent shows, teacher meetings, etc). Ask your boss in advance if you could take a few hours off work to attend these.
It is a continuous journey, and we’re always learning. Have any tips for the rest of us? Share it in a comment.
Thank you.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com