“If it costs you your peace, it is too expensive.”
I firmly believe that happiness is a choice and being happy is a skill that can be learned and improved. But that was not always the case.
“Notorious melancholic,” that is what I used to call myself. Or as Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, a famous German literate put it: “On top of the world, or in the depths of despair.”
The sorrow I experienced was inseparably intertwined with the painful relationships I had with my parents, my friends and significant others. It felt like the inner core of all my relationships was build on suffering, always lurking in the shadows, even in relatively happy times.
Somewhere along the way, I finally realized something I knew all along: That there was something not quite alright — not with me as a person, but with my patterns and the kind of people I let into my life. How I let them treat me, and how I felt and acted myself, choosing to endure the suffering for a glimpse of love.
In my late twenties, I started to question what I was used to and discovered what psychologists refer to as attachment theory. That changed my whole life. I learned how to let go, heal and overcome my unhealthy attachment style.
Attachment styles
Our attachment style determines how we relate to other people and what we are looking for in relationships. We acquire it throughout childhood, and it continues to function as a working model in adulthood.
If you are familiar with regular “today-I-love-you-but-tomorrow-I-might-hate-you”-episodes, energy vampires or otherwise abusive people, you might go through life with an unhealthy attachment pattern, too.
Though the exact terminology may vary, depending on which expert is consulted, in general, psychologists relate to four different attachment styles.
Meghan Laslocky, an award-winning journalist and author of “The Little Book of Heartbreak”, summarizes them quickly but precisely as:
- Secure: “Being close is easy!”
- Dismissive-avoidant: “I’d rather not depend on others or have others depend on me!”
- Anxious-preoccupied: “I want to be emotionally intimate with people, but they don’t want to be with me!”
- Fearful-avoidant: “I want to be close, but what if I get hurt?”
According to a study by Dr Phillip Shaver and Dr Cindy Hazan, about 60 percent of people have a secure attachment style.
This insight leaves 4 out of 10 people with a non-secure attachment style. But there is hope: The attachment patterns someone has developed early on do not have to define how they relate to others for all of their life.
I was able to earn secure and healthy relationship patterns, so you are, too.
Earning a secure attachment style
Before I could change my relationships, I had to work hard on myself. Or, to be more precise, I had to really see myself and adjust my trauma.
By learning about ourselves and how we relate to others, we can uncover a lot. We can unlearn our unhealthy habits, reactions, insecurities and triggers. We can explore our limits and set appropriate boundaries that make us feel secure and open up to authentic trust. But we have to learn to trust ourselves and our perception first.
Here are the most critical steps that helped me to recover from my childhood trauma and finally develop a secure attachment style as an adult.
Recovering from your insecure attachment style
Figuring out my challenge and attachment style
The first, hardest, most influential and time-consuming step on my journey of recovery was to uncover and acknowledge that I was suffering from an unhealthy attachment style. It took until my late twenties to figure this out.
Today I would suggest to anyone who wants to explore this topic to take this test as a starting point. It can help to determine your attachment style and learn about how it is affecting your relationship.
Reading and education about the psychological background
I read and learned a lot about the attachment styles theory and my attachment type. Knowledge is power, and it took me one step further to understanding myself, my trauma and the underlying mechanisms.
There are a lot of sources to start with, from Wikipedia to books like “Attached” by psychiatrist and neuroscientist Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel S. F. Heller to the podcasts of relationship expert Ester Pherel.
Taking an honest look into the mirror without shying away
I realized and admitted to myself that I had a problem. But this problem was not that I was a terrible or stupid person, or that I was not worthy of love, or whatever negative things were buzzing around inside my head.
My challenge was that I always ended up with the wrong people. And the reason for that was rooted in my past. I worked hard on making myself aware of this until I finally believed it; until I was ready to do something about it.
I endured the pain this caused me. I even actively engaged in it and got curious about my motivations, fears and patterns. I got to know myself and how I tick.
Opening up and using language as a catalyst
If I were to be back in that situation again, I hope I would reach out to an empathetic therapist during my deepest phases of suffering.
But I wasn’t able to do that back then. Instead, I started to journal, writing about my feelings, my patterns and my pain. I used journaling to analyze my inner dialogue, and it helped immensely. Without it, I might have never started actually to talk about it with strangers in bars and later on with the few persons I still trusted.
I also started to meditate. In the beginning, I only sat down for a few precious minutes a day. But it helped me to focus, train awareness and get to know myself better and better.
Occasionally I read old journal entries to remind myself how far I had come. That realization always energized me and kept me going.
“Sometimes you just have to be done. Not mad. Not upset. Just done.”
I implemented and kept my distance from toxic people and those who fueled my trauma with their own insecurities and pain.
I set boundaries and cleaned up. That was incredibly hard because the people who had the most toxic influence on my wellbeing were the ones closest to me. But the drama I experienced with them drained my energy continuously.
I learned to say “no” and prioritize my needs without feeling guilty. I also accepted the consequences of making myself a priority.
This step was not easy. But I could no longer entertain and endure the people who cemented my unsafe attachment style further with their behaviour.
At that point, I knew I could not heal if I would hold on too tight to such relationships. I could not get better whilst fearing to lose someone that I needed to let go of in order to healing myself.
Diving deeper into myself
I sought the loneliness and learned to be comfortable with it. I started to look for who I was underneath the trauma, for what was important to me.
I took my time with new relationships. It’s easier to learn to surf alone than with a second person on the board. In return, the connections I make today are much more enjoyable and robust.
But I had to set strict rules for the transition time and omitted from relationships with a significant other until I felt completely secure.
Keep pushing through the loneliness
I kept pushing, even if I felt desperately alone. But I knew I could not give up. Instead, I acknowledged and clinged to the little wins and changes that happened over time.
Life is about learning, so I got up again. My injuries took a long time to heal, and some scars will never fade completely. But one day, I knew that I didn’t have to try and work hard on myself anymore. One day I was confident that had attained what I believe a secure attachment style felt like and knew I would never get myself into such BS relationships and situations ever again.
From that day on, I was able to look back and even be glad about some experiences I made. They are an essential part of what made me the seldom wavering, self-assured and calm person that I am today.
Or, as Meghan Laslocky frames this experience: “My sense is that for those attempting to upgrade their attachment style from insecure to secure, it is, as the saying goes, just like riding a bike: Once you’ve got it, you’ve got it. Over time you can still challenge yourself to become a “better biker” — a stronger one, a faster one, a more agile one — but once you’ve mastered looking ahead and pedalling at the same time, you are forever good to go.”
About letting go and finding peace
I have learned about my attachment styles and my insecurities. I understand now why I kept reliving the same patterns and unhealthy types of relationship. I uncovered why I always felt magically drawn to specific personalities. Though I thought they were wide-ranging, they had certain personality traits in common and evoked specific reactions within me — throughout their differences.
It took me until I was close to thirty years old, but I have made my peace.
If you can relate to my story, know the feelings and want to overcome your insecure attachment style, too: I encourage you to put in the work and start your journey today. Further, I hope that someday will be the day that you will be unable even to understand how and why you lived and loved for so long with so much unnecessary agony.
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Previously published on medium
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Photo credit: by Dmitry Schemelev on Unsplash