“Would anyone like to say a few words?”
The pastor held the mic up, gesturing toward the packed pews. My cousin nudged me, but I shook my head no. I had played the piano, made the memorial pamphlet, and organized the singers for my mother’s memorial service.
I didn’t want to speak.
Not after 72-hours of exhaustion since my mother’s death. Not after my dad dumping the task of dealing with her death onto my sisters and me. Not after a night of my infant daughter sick and up half the night. Nope. Not then.
“Anyone?” he asked again.
Next to me, my sister whispered. Her husband stood and strolled to the front. He grabbed the mic, smiled a brilliant white smile, and spoke in his deep, gravelly voice.
“Well, I was going to video this entire service,” he began, “but my b**** of a sister-in-law wouldn’t let me.”
Next to me, I felt my cousin’s body stiffen. The crowd shifted in their seats. A silence fell.
My body tensed, but I forced myself to breathe.
The b**** he was talking about was me.
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Toxicity 101
Toxic people.
The term toxic is tossed around a lot these days. Like that guy at the bar who won’t stop leering, toxic keeps forcing the (unwanted) conversation.
But I have an issue with that guy — and with that term. To me, toxic seems euphemistic.
Instead of calling people toxic, let’s call them out for what we really mean, how they really act, and who they really are.
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“As important as it is to learn how to deal with different kinds of people, truly toxic people will never be worth your time and energy — and they take a lot of each. Toxic people create unnecessary complexity, strife, and, worst of all, stress.” — Travis Bradberry in “How Successful People Handle Toxic People”
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All the flavors on the shelf
Toxic people come in many flavors, from candy-coated to a bitter pill to swallow.
They come in categories. Like disease, they can cross over. Comorbidity of categorization is not uncommon.
WebMD offers a simple definition of toxic people: “A toxic person is anyone whose behavior adds negativity and upset to your life.”
Toxic individuals can cause a truckload of unpleasantness. Around them, you may feel: discomfort, defensive, uncertain, drained, wary, off-balance, confused, or just plain creeped or weirded out. When something’s off, pay attention to your intuition. While your brain may not recognize toxicity, your body often does.
“Toxic people attach themselves like cinder blocks tied to your ankles, and then invite you for a swim in their poisoned waters.” — John Mark Green
Previewing the comprehensive categories of toxicity
Toxic people are bad actors. You can pick ’em out by how they act (and by how they talk, diss, flaunt, and always misbehave).
Toxicity abounds. Sometimes poor behavior and toxicity is a one-off. Sometimes its exacerbated by stress, damage, or trauma. Sometimes its cyclical. Sometimes its repetitive — or permanent.
Whatever the case — and whoever the bad actor — the effects of toxicity on health, safety, cognition, and personal peace-of-mind can be significant. Better to know the enemy — and their playlist of pernicious words and tricks.
There’s lotsa songs on the toxic playlist. Let’s suss them out by characteristics: behaviors, attitudes, and illnesses. Then, let’s preview the individual players: friends, trolls, workmates, lovers, and family members.
Toxic characteristics to watch out for (and guard against)
You can tell toxicity by how it looks, smells, tastes — and especially by how it acts.
Though toxic characteristics may appear and disappear — they tend to reappear. Be on the lookout for these toxic traits, especially when they revisit, again and again.
* Toxic BEHAVIORS * — an abbreviated but dangerous list
— Selfishness and self-centeredness. Watch out for people that can only see themselves as top of the heap. They always put themselves first. You will, by default, always come somewhere after that — much after that.
— Disloyalty, unfaithfulness, and betrayal. The toxic trio. Toxic people do what’s in their best interest, and they don’t care whom it hurts. If they want to lie, steal, or cheat before breakfast, they will. They’ll take you down a notch or even stab you in the back. Historical toxicity: Don’t forget, Ceasar and Brutus were BFFs until the knives came out.
— Dismissiveness, ignoring, silent treatment, ghosting. Yep. These are hard to take. These behaviors are soul-suckingly awful. But really, they only suck to you, the recipient. Your toxic person doesn’t care how you feel about these — nor about the pain you feel.
— Anger, violence, name-calling, victimizing. When their ire is raised, watch out. Toxic anger is, well, toxic. They’re out to hurt — and they know how to do it.
— Self-pity, sympathy-seeking, sob stories. The manipulative toxic person knows how to work the empathy angle. They’re after your pity — and they’re out to suck your compassion dry. They know one way to hook you is make themselves the victim or to get you to feel sorry for them. Then, you just may excuse their poor behavior.
* Toxic ATTITUDES * — a few to mull over
Let’s just make a list, shall we? If any of these attitudes pop to the surface — especially more than once — take note. Be aware, and be ready to bail if you need to:
superiority, condescension, racism, sexism, arrogance, contempt, derision, Machiavellianism, collusion, conspiracy-theorizing, extremism, narrow-mindedness, exclusion, ostracism, hate, rage, snobbery, conceit, oneupmanship, vanity, pomposity, pedantry
* Toxic ILLNESSES * — a handful of chronic disorders
Sometimes, a diagnosis points out a toxic tendency. But even if we’re not MD’s or psychiatrists, we can sometimes recognize toxically ill people. We should remain vigilant around these people in order to protect ourselves.
Dr. Tracy Hutchinson, author and specialist in clinical mental health, notes that “a personality disorder is a pervasive lifelong pattern of behavior that leads to distress or impairment. They can have significant impairment in ways of seeing other people, themselves, and events. In addition, they can have affective problems, such as an inability to regulate their emotional responses.”
Pathological personalities can be highly disruptive and destructive in their relationships. Watch out for:
narcissism, psychopathy, sociopathy, borderline personality disorder, passive-aggression, oppositional-defiance, addiction, excessive gambling (and other behavioral addictions), etc.
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“I will not allow anyone to walk in my mind with dirty feet.” — Mahatma Gandhi
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Toxic (role)players
Remember Mr. Rogers? He was full of love and admiration for the good folks in your ‘hood: Cue the song: “These are the people in your neighborhood…”
But beware: the ‘hood is also populated by a more demonic demographic: toxic terrorists. Let’s explore these toxic individuals before we figure out how to handle them.
* Toxic friends —
They’re not your friend, but your frenemy. They argue, undermine, and work against you — all with a serpent’s smile on their face. If you don’t serve them or their purpose, you’ll soon be out the door. But don’t worry: when they need something from you, they’ll be back.
* Toxic trolls —
They’ll criticize you. Mock you. Hound you. They love to pen nasty insults and spread vile gossip like rancid mayonnaise. They’ll incite anger — they love to watch you squirm (ideally, in public). They’ll make you rip your hair out by the roots. Their trollish existence is reliant on the lifeblood of your words, ideas, and attention. So don’t give them the (dis)pleasure of your time, notice, or eyeroll.
* Toxic workmates —
That guy that absolutely wants to work on that project with you and then steals all the credit? That girl that smack talks you in the staff room? The work bud that throws you under the bus? Yep — toxic.
* Toxic lovers —
Is there anything more horrendous than toxicity in love? Short answer: no. Toxic partners will break your brain, break your body, and break your heart — all without batting an eyelash.
* Toxic family —
Blood is thicker than water — but poison is poison, family or not. So yes — they’re connected to you by DNA — and blood. But no, you don’t need them to suck it out of your every pore. Recognize their toxicity, admit your consanguinity, but protect your inner sanctity and soul.
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“Toxic people will pollute everything around them. Don’t hesitate. Fumigate.” — Mandy Hale
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The anti-toxicity club: Now taking members
So you’ve got a coupla toxic people in your life.
Welcome to the club.
Or maybe you don’t know any toxic folk. (But beware the wisdom of the adage: If you don’t know any toxic people, the toxic one might be you.)
Still: it’s best to be prepared. You might know them, hang with them, live with them, or even love them.
It’s good to know how to deal with toxic people. Heck, it’s necessary. You need to love yourself. You need to know your limits. You must not allow abuse.
Because, eventually, toxic people will use or abuse you. At the very least, they’ll disappoint you. At their worst, they’ll break your heart — or try to take you down. Whatever you do: don’t underestimate toxic behavior.
Better to have a game plan for dealing with toxic people and their associated misbehavior. If they’ve acted out before, let precedent be prevention.
Be aware. Be prepared. Be ready to protect yourself.
Here’s how:
7 steps to preventing toxic people from eating you alive
Step 1 — See them for who they are
When someone injures, slights, or betrays you, understand this was a choice. Their choice. If their presence sucks the very life out of you, pay attention. If they always seem to have a plan or agenda — or continually want something outta you, be attentive. People always (eventually) show you who they are.
Some individuals are pretty darn skilled at hiding their toxic tendencies. They may wear a mask, but it will slip. You can be the most tolerant person in the world, but don’t let your tolerance overlook obvious issues with people close to you. It’s not that you’re out to dig up issues or highlight bad behavior. Rather, you’re noticing the facts and actions in front of you.
Be aware. When people show you they’re toxic, take note. Believe it.
Step 2 — Set your boundaries
Strong boundaries send strong messages. Know your values and don’t let people stomp then down. Know your limits and stick to them.
If you don’t want to do X, don’t be pressured it to please, conform, or pander to someone trying to force your hand. Be aware of people who push you. Watch for those who want you to be convinced or believe something you don’t wish to. Be aware of those who want to manipulate, change, or bully you into something. Stand firm. And take note about the person doing this to you.
Step 3 — Don’t expect them to change — don’t rule it out, but don’t count on it
Life rule: no one is changing anyone. You can change yourself: that’s it.
Does your person’s toxic behavior bother, irritate, hurt, or infuriate you? That’s a problem — but it’s a problem only they can change.
We can respond — or react. How we do that is up to us. But we have no power over the other person and their toxic behaviors or words. It’s up to them to change — if they wish.
Much of our behavior is ingrained. Habits are hard to break. Personality problems and neurodiversity may be entrenched. We can lead someone to resources, help, or awareness — but we can’t do the changing for them. So don’t expect change. Accept that the behavior happened. And decide what you’ll do accordingly.
Step 4 — Selectively limit contact with people currently being toxic
We all know, live, or work with toxic people. They may be friends, fam, or co-workers. Sometimes, we can’t totally eliminate them from our lives.
What we can do is limit contact with them and their toxic presence.
Don’t feel bad about this. Your life is your life. Your sanity and health are reliant on the choices you make — and the actions you take.
If someone is subtracting or detracting from your peace of mind, don’t spend time with them — definitely not more than necessary. Limit calls, texts, and meet-ups. Decline invitations and limit interactions. If you must see them, keep it brief, and guard your brain and heart.
“It’s one thing if a person owns up to their behavior and makes an effort to change. But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and continues to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go.” — Daniell Koepke
Step 5 — Be ready for them to behave badly
You know the rule — the best predictor of the present is the past.
If they’ve behaved like a jerk, yanked your chain, or thrown you to the wolves before, chances are high they’ll do it again.
When you must interact or communicate with them, be prepared. Know they may speak or behave with ill intent. Arm your brain — and your heart. Guard against further damage. Mitigate injury by being aware of its potential.
Then, decide how you’ll respond: ignore, deflect, divert, refute, confront, or simply refuse to join the fray.
Be ready to respond in order not to react.
Step 6 — Don’t dwell on their toxic behavior
For me, this is tough. I’m a ruminator. Like many women, estrogen and mental habit cause me to turn and churn words, slights, and insults over and over in my mind.
When dealing with toxicity, this is a no-go. When confronting a toxic comment or action, I have to train myself to turn off my replay mode. It’s for my own sanity — and it’s for the best.
Often, a person in toxic mode is looking for your reaction — and wanting your attention. Don’t give them a second longer than needed by revisiting their misbehavior.
“If you attach to the negative behavior of others it brings you down to their level.” — Guru Singh
Step 7 — Be careful with yourself around them
A toxic person is not your spirit animal. Rather, a toxic person is like a rabid raccoon roaming down your drive. They may not mean to hurt or wound you, but treat their foaming mouth and erratic careening like the warning that it is. Stay aware, stay cognizant of distance, and stay savvy.
Understanding the negativity and damage that toxicity can cause is up to you. Recognize it. Acknowledge it. Be careful. The descriptors and the details of toxicity are nice to know, but nicer is being kind to yourself. When you’re around people behaving badly, be on the alert. Self-preservation and sanity are our priorities.
Never let yourself be dragged down into the sewer. Avoid lizard wrestling, especially with gators whose teeth are diamond-sharp and whose claws are rank poison. If you get in the swamp, you’ll get pulled under. Every time.
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“The less you respond to negative people, the more powerful your life will become.” — Robert E. Baine, Jr.
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Recap = How to manage the toxic offenders in your life
- Recognize the people in your life who have the tendency toward toxicity.
- Know your boundaries — and don’t let them push that firm line.
- Don’t rule out their ability to change — but don’t be stupidly optimistic about their willingness or capacity to change their toxic ways.
- Selectively limit your exposure (as much as you can) to known toxic offenders.
- If they’ve been toxic in the past, be ready for repeat behavior.
- Don’t dwell on their drama. Remember it, but don’t perseverate or ruminate. (Don’t add fuel to their fire.)
- Always be careful around people who’ve demonstrated repeated toxic words or behaviors.
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“Life is short. Don’t waste it with negative people who don’t appreciate you. Keep them in your heart but keep them out of your life.” — Robert Tew
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Alex Iby on Unsplash