She craved a conscious union, yet wore a cage of male-bashing and love-defying beliefs around her heart. Until finally, she learned what really “floats the boat” of love.
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I listened to Benjamin as he spoke softly to his Grandmother. His lulling tones calmed her as she lay in the hospital bed pleading with God to take her from this life.
He spoke with such gentle authority that I felt myself being wrapped in an embrace of safety and love.
The now withering body of his once virile elder began to soften. Her watery blue eyes began to shine with trust and recognition as she too fell under the whispered spell of her grandson turned Sage.
He wove words into a melodic story of a life lived fully that was now blooming into the fresh perspective of being reborn into a new reality.
I saw him as if for the first time and was, once again, captivated by this magnificent man.
I wonder how it is that until now, regardless of a sixteen-year marriage and encounters galore with the opposite sex, I’ve never really trusted a man.
◊♦◊
… it would seem that when it came to attracting men of a certain type, I was the Empress of stepping well.
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You see my past is filled to overflowing with love gone wrong.
There is an Arabic saying that says, “If you step in shit, step well”.
While I have considered the myriad of ways to interpret this piece of advice, it would seem that when it came to attracting men of a certain type, I was the Empress of stepping well.
I’d cue the violin music as dramatic accompaniment to my woeful tales of betrayal, deceit, and, empty promises but my past relationships sound track is more like a rock opera than, “Fiddler on the Roof”.
Like any grand theatrical performance my, “pre-Benjamin days” had an intense cast of characters with an epic script.
There was the lover I refer to as, “Two Wolf Man”. He was a treat. Thanks to him I can add the title of Mistress to my dating resume. It was particularly interesting to me that I was unaware of being the other woman until I received a letter of introduction from his fiancé. Upon receipt of her generous and well-mannered correspondence, I left that overworked and underappreciated position and moved on to other manure filled pastures.
With fond memories of wild sex, a date to meet his son and planned vacations to foreign lands, I said good-bye to the male I call, “Panty Man”.
Before I left his high-end townhouse and unusual lifestyle, I did ask him to whom the stiff crotched Victoria Secret panties, that I found stuffed between the couch cushions, belonged. I am, after all is said and done, a curious woman. His answer was perhaps the only honest thing he said to me during our eight-month liaison. He said, “You weren’t supposed to find those”.
These two encounters are a small but colourful sample of some of the experiences that contributed to my intense suspicion and mistrust of any penis bearing human.
I believed, with the entirety of my being, that all men were liars and cheaters.
I knew, with impeccable accuracy, that testosterone units were unable to openly communicate, that they lacked the ability or desire to be intimate and were cowards in their own lives and I double-dared life to prove me wrong.
During that time in my life I was spinning wildly as I fought an inner battle of, “he loves me, he loves me not”.
I craved a conscious union yet wore a cage of male bashing and love defying beliefs around my heart. In my own special sprinkled-with-sugary-goodness and lots-of-valid-experiences-to-justify-it kind of way, I became the estrogen-based version of what I’d felt so exploited by – funny how that goes, isn’t it?
My communication skills centered on teaching the man in my life to be an open and honest partner while I sat atop my cushion of conscious and spiritual relational know it all.
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I was emotionally unavailable and couldn’t feign intimacy if I tried. I was preoccupied by suspicion and constantly on guard for any scent of deceit that my lover may be sporting.
◊♦◊
I also had trust issues. My specific brand of Eau du Trust-Not included dusting my men for fingerprints, watching if their eyes traversed another woman for a moment too long, seeking praise and continual validation of their commitment and fidelity and, on occasion, looking over their shoulders as they texted. I had also developed a habit of sliding my hands between the couch cushions and looking under their beds, just in case…
My communication skills centered on teaching the man in my life to be an open and honest partner while I sat atop my cushion of conscious and spiritual relational know it all. This was an effective distraction until it wasn’t. My unwillingness to be intimate and reveal my soft underbelly of fear, self-doubt, and abandonment rang in my ears with every enlightened lesson I so gleefully rammed down the throats of my consorts.
◊♦◊
I have found that as with most things, I got what I was looking for and what I too was giving.
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And then I met Benjamin and I let him meet me – all of me. I revealed the scared, hurt, vulnerable, innocent and jaded me, and you know what? He loved me through every moment. He stood beside me as I ran away, came back, apologized, blamed, forgave, threw up and grew up.
This man showed me that he had a heart and that he wasn’t afraid to use it.
Through loving Ben for whom he is and in turn, being loved for who and how I am, I have realized that my past was simply a reflection of my own demons. The men that I thought punished me through their behaviors did not, in any way, represent the male population as a whole. In fact, I have found that as with most things, I got what I was looking for and what I too was giving.
I’d love to say that I suddenly changed into the version of myself that I am today – A woman who, four days ago, sat in a hospital room listening to her beloved apply a verbal panacea to his Grandmother’s broken spirit and aching heart. But that would be dishonest.
I have learned through my partnership with Benjamin that it is honesty, above all else, that floats the boat of love. It is a trust in speaking the truth of ones soul, no matter how weak our knees become, which allows the canoe of a relationship to evolve into a vast ocean faring vessel that can sail through any storm. Even one as tender and as heart rendering as saying Goodbye.
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While it said that you had a hard time opening up to men emotionally, it sounds like you didn’t have a problem opening yourself (no pun intended) sexually. Maybe if you had taken the time to get to know the men before you slept with them you would have found out what jerks they were. Actually you would have found out really quickly because a guy who is a jerk in general is especially going to be a jerk about you not sleeping with him.
Beautiful. Thank you for writing this. I saw a mirror and hope. In gratitude.
What did Ben do different? How long did it take you to trust him and your decision…
lovely article!
Why did you pick Ben to open yourself up to? What happened that made you change the way you behaved?
Great thoughts and piece JI – thoroughly enjoyed it! I agree that honesty is a critical key to unlocking love!
This was a touching piece. It resonated with me considering my own issues around trusting men. It is a real internal struggle. Some of the things I carry around with me is that I know aren’t always fair projections is that men are selfish and don’t posses the ability to be loyal to one woman deeper then what has come to pass as “loyalty” in our modern relationships. Meaning, simply not sleeping with other women but ogling, fantasizing and spending lots of time around male driven entertainment that hyper-sexualize women one-dimensionally into themes of subordination and abuse. To me, this… Read more »
Thank you so much for this. Having just ended a more than decade long relationship with a Narcissist – a pathological liar, cheater and fraud – I am no where near ready to date again (I’ve so much healing and self-reflection and personal accountability to take care of). But reading this is exactly what I needed to hear. I’m terrified of not trusting, of putting up a brick wall to protect myself and as someone who needs a goal to work towards, to know that things can and do get better, it’s amazing to hear that trust and intimacy with… Read more »
Hello Gillian: I read your response the article above and was surprised by how much much we had in common re. opposite sex relationships. The trusting thing, check; the disappointments, check; unable to trust, check, long-term living alone, check, and great kid, check. Just change ‘men’ to ‘women;’ ‘needy’ to ‘parasitic;’ and friendships from ‘long-term female’ to long-term of both sexes.’ Like you, I have achieved peace of mind and I do love my life. And I do share the sense of sadness that I have never had the ‘at one’ relationship. I haven’t quite given up yet. Perhaps, I’m… Read more »
Really love this, it is so true, yet for someone who trusts first..on most encounters, and (where men are concerned) in all cases left disappointed, I am still unable to “bear my soul” to the male population in the same way that I connect to women.I find men generally to be “needy” and I no longer wish to be “needed” other than by my family and close friends I have lived alone for 12 years and frankly that will not change, I have learned now not to “risk” upsetting the equilibrium that I have found. My network primarily consists of… Read more »
I must say I‘m kind of tired of this „check if you have some flaws that attract a wrong guy“ trend. In most cases mans behaviour has little to nothing to do with a certain woman, she just gets to experience his full „beauty“ irrespectively of what she does or thinks, its just kind of „wrong place, wrong time, wrong guy“ thing. If he acts like a jerk its cause he wants to, however women are taught to believe that a man she is with mirrors what she is and etc. I would usually trust the men I dated, its… Read more »
Very well said. My thoughts exactly. As moving as this article is in some resoects, it doesn’t reflect the gravity of relationships and the failure or success of them that involves BOTH parties and the value of each of their input.
Hey Lau_ra, I get what you’re saying and would agree with you if the message is the negative spin of, “you’re not perfect so fix your own crap and maybe men will like you”. But the “fix yourself” mantra I teach both men and women is this: “Until you’re crystal clear on your own personal value and relationship operating principles, you will have a hard time in relationship with anyone.” It’s not “fix yourself”. It’s KNOW yourself – your non-negotiable values – your boundaries – and your expectations for the life you WILL lead (not HOPE you will lead). The… Read more »
Well stated reply. This is what I got from Jasmine’s article
Eric, Lisa, Steve and Dixie –
Thank-you for offering your trust and appreciation.
It is an honour to be so warmly received while standing naked on the page expressing a love song.
Life is good and it keeps getting better!
Jasmine, Thank you for sharing your story.
I am in awe of your self-awareness, your courage to share your experiences, and your generosity to give us the opportunity to learn from your story.
Thank you, Jasmine. I read this with tears in my eyes, seeing myself through yours. All it takes is that one person to destroy trust. I found that out a year ago when the man I loved left me abruptly, with no good reason. With no warning. I am sure that there was a lot going on that I didn’t know about. As trust-wary as I am, I know, logically, that all men aren’t the same, but I still have to keep convincing myself of this. There are lovely gentlemen out there who can and should be trusted. There just… Read more »
Jasmine, what a perfect way to end my Sunday.
It’s the self-awareness in your articl that feels so good.
This was pure gold. Thanks for the gift!
Steve, I have to jump in to say a big thank you to you. I’m the editor who selected and styled the post, and I too loved the self-awareness, humor, and humility. Love it when our writers bare their soul and get some positive feedback from those they’re here to serve!