Trust. It’s something we hear about a lot in the context of relationships.
Trust is important, we know that instinctively. If we trust someone more, we tend to feel safer and more connected.
But what if we struggle with trust? What can we do to trust someone more? How do we form trust? Why might someone not trust us?
Let’s unpack this more.
…
What is trust?
Trust is formed in relationships when we know we can firmly rely on someone or something.
We all have a trust baseline, as in a basic level of trust we have in everything and everyone.
For example, we all might trust that the person next to us won’t slap us in the face at a grocery store, and we all might not trust that a newborn baby won’t cry in a 12-hour airplane.
When it comes to relationships, our trust baseline varies quite a bit more. The variability in trust comes from our past experiences.
If your friend always shows up to work on time, you will develop a sense of trust that your friend will show up on time to work.
Likewise, if someone always says they are going to get you a gift for your birthday but they never do, you won’t trust that person to get you a gift.
Our past experiences, if positive with people, can lead us to trust easily. We have had positive modeling and relationships of reliability and we believe that others can be trustworthy.
But on the other end, if we had a lot of people who hurt us, we might not trust that people won’t hurt us. We’ve mainly seen negative dynamics of us getting hurt by people who weren’t trustworthy.
Why should we develop trust in people?
The reality is trust is important for relationships: friends, family, workplace, romantic, etc. Research has found that strong social connections help promote better well-being and close social connections actually correlate to longevity.
Trust cements close, fulfilling relationships and makes us less lonely. So learning and being able to open yourself up to trust people has significant benefits in your life.
Being able to trust others who are trustworthy will reduce stress, promote feelings of optimism, and improve confidence in yourself and in others.
Of course, people are humans. And not everyone is trustworthy for every instance in which you might want.
Photo by Jannis Lucas on Unsplash
How do I trust the right people?
Maybe you have a friend who always lies or is dishonest with their words. It wouldn’t make a lot of sense to trust them to be honest with you. However, that same friend could always be on time to see you or always answer your phone call when you need to vent. So in that case, you could trust them to be there for you when you’re sad and be on time. BUT you could not trust them to be honest with their words.
If you struggle with trusting others, it’s important to see the duality and nuance of people. For example, I can trust myself to show up to work, but I might not trust that I’ll show up to work every day feeling excited about the day ahead. To allow yourself to trust people, you have to think about what is important to you and what someone needs to be trustworthy about.
The right people are trustworthy about the things that are important to you. They are trustworthy where you know it matters. And since they are human, they might not be perfect all the time, but you are able to communicate with them when something is important to you and they can work on trying to be better and more reliable in that area for you.
Photo by Jannis Lucas on Unsplash
What builds trust?
From relationship expert, Thais Gibson, trust is built from the three C’s:
- Congruency
- Consistency
- Consideration
If someone says what they do and does what they say, they are congruent with their words and actions, which makes us trust them more. If someone repeatedly shows us they are reliable, we believe they are consistent, which makes us trust them more. Finally, if someone takes our needs into consideration, we develop more trust in them.
But to develop a more trusting relationship with others, we have to have a more trusting relationship with ourselves.
All of our relationships end up being like a mirror of our own relationship with ourselves. We typically don’t trust people in the present because we don’t trust ourselves. We don’t trust that we might not stick up for our boundaries, or might not advocate for our needs, or might not be able to protect ourselves. But if you were able to stick up for yourself and advocate for what you want, then you would be better prepared to be in trusting relationships because you know you have your back. And knowing that, helps you trust others more.
…
You got this!
Trust is a vital part of fulfilling relationships with others. It can be hard to trust people if you have been hurt many times, but there are people out there who are trustworthy. The right people will be able to be people you can rely on. Starting to slowly practice trusting others by building more self-trust will really empower you to trust others. I wish you luck!
Do you think you trust easily? Why or why not?
Thanks for reading!
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com