Theresa Byrne says, redirect your man’s ‘fix it’ instinct to rewire your relationship for lasting happiness.
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It is a truth universally acknowledged that men love to engage the parts of their brain that help them “fix” things. It’s hard-wired to give them a sense of accomplishment and pleasure. They feel good when they’ve fixed something or solved a problem. Or even when they’ve seen how something is assembled or created.
Why? They get to problem-solve, use creative ideas, put things together in their heads and create new solutions. Anyone who’s ever had a young boy take apart the toaster, telephone, stereo, or any other piece of electronic equipment understands this. While they may not be great at the putting things back together, they love solving the problem by taking it apart.
My goal is to help women support and understand this part of men, in hopes that they can embrace the Inner Fixer. Men need our support, something I wrote about here.
In an effort to explain this phenomena I interviewed one of the most all around fix-it men I know, creator of Web Nutrients and Creative Brainist, Mark Effinger. He is the the penultimate fixer man.
How have you attempted to fix?
“I have tons of stories of how I needed to stop fixing and start listening. Many from just-in-time to save the day to overstepping boundaries with women. I’ve had to learn to listen! Sometimes the cure is just to let them deflate their troubles and nod… Often. Because I love to fix things. It’s as natural to me as breathing.
How are you a fixer? I built my first radio before I was 6-years-old. All from random stuff found around the house, and by scouring Scientific American. It’s the inherent desire to be like our Creator. I used to scavenge my sisters tampon tubes from the garbage because…If you make home made gunpowder, they make incredible rockets. If I disassemble the toaster, will that bring me a step closer to the magic behind the stars?
How am I a fixer? I built my first radio before I was 6-years-old. All from random stuff found around the house, and by scouring Scientific American. It’s the inherent desire to be like our Creator. If I disassemble the toaster, will that bring me a step closer to the magic behind the stars?
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Wow. And what’s the goal or feeling you get?
The rush you get is twofold:
1) Ohhh, so THATS how they keep that spring holding this lever to make that gear only click over once a minute! (So the elation of discovery).
2) I am going to remember this, because it will come in handy someday. Or…
3) Aha! That’s how I can make that thing I want to build work!
Reverse engineering how cool things are built gives us insights into OPG: Other People’s Genius.
You get a masters engineering course in an hour of taking something apart. And you decipher their thinking, making it part of your own. By seeing OPG.
You know how a board game is competitive problem solving? Whether Parcheezee or Chess? It’s like that.
And by seeing Other People’s Genius, what do you find?
If I can deconstruct a clock, certainly I can deconstruct what my wife is struggling with. And therin lies the rub. Because a clock is a binary instrument. It has an on and off mode. Whereas a woman has 50 Shades of Gray. And 16.5 million shades of color. So a guy goes into it with logic. And he needs to add feel to the equation. If you put a guy on a problem solving mission (activate), his mind goes into this cool mode. It says …”I’ve successfully rebuilt the carb on my 69 Camaro 327. So solving this woman’s troubles will be easy.”
Problem solving is looking for an emotional payoff. It’s the money shot. It’s the orgasm. Just hand him a cigarette the moment the solution seems within reach. And maybe his favorite blankie. And a beer. Definitely a beer. And the clicker. Cuz somewhere there’s a game going on that needs his support.
Problem solving is looking for an emotional payoff. It’s the money shot. It’s the orgasm. Just hand him a cigarette the moment the solution seems within reach. And maybe his favorite blankie. And a beer. Definitely a beer. And the clicker. Cuz somewhere there’s a game going on that needs his support.
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So the feeling is complete and utter satisfaction. “I did this.”
It makes his gonads swell with pride. He just won the lottery. Angels sing his name. He has bragging rights. All because, at six, he took apart a toaster. And maybe, just maybe, for it to work when he was done. My Dad was very blue collar. As one of six kids, we had very little extra. So he would go to the TV repair shop (remember those?!?) And get me three broken, irreparable TVs. Because with three different TVs, I could make one working one. For free!
In the military, USAF, we had a base full of airplanes. I was on a SWAT team of guys who, when the Inspector General announced his arrival, me and my team had to make the Can Bird (the B-52 Bomber we stole parts from to keep the other places flying). We had to make those Can Birds (Cannibalized Birds) fly. Often with duct tape and baling wire. In 6-12 hours. Against all rules of logic. Talk about a feeling of elation.
That’s the gig: solving problems involves every latent neuron in the mind. It activated places and neuropathways long forgotten.
It makes a man a kid again (joy. Fun. Simplicity). And yet applies it to an adult issue (her problem).
Just like your first orgasm. You never forget it. Or your first bicycle kick. Your first perfect kata. Your first love.
Here’s the funny thing …
A woman wants an emotional connection. She needs and desires emotional fulfillment. Guess what? A man gets emotional fulfillment when he solves a technical problem. And ALL problems, to men, can be solved technically. But that technical problem solving activated his emotional sense if fulfillment. It closes the gap between a woman’s need to feel and a man’s need to think.
They merge.
They make love, and dance across the beach as the sun sets …
Does that help to answer your question? Uh yeah. That helps. On so many levels. I think you just helped create a solution to a wide gap. It starts with toasters. Ends with “lemme play with that F5…”
More women understanding this could be HUGE breakthrough in embracing the fixer in men.
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Then there’s Jordan Gray. A fellow writer at The Good Men Project (read one of his great articles here and a relationship coach).
I am a fixer in what many people in modern Western society consider a more archetypically feminine way. I am an emotional healer (for example, I help people cry when they find it difficult to cry). I help people have better sex lives and marriages.
Instead of measuring tape and power tools, my craft requires compassionate listening and psychological reframes. I help people see themselves, their partners, and their lives with more clarity.
When I help someone see themselves, their significant other, or their situation in a more clear and compassionate light, I get goosebumps. I feel truly fortunate and elated to do the work that I do.
And while I don’t always seek to “fix” anything for my clients (sometimes I just listen with an open heart), I always feel like my work has a massive ripple effect across the world.
So yes, I am a fixer. A fixer of hearts, emotions, and faulty thought patterns or habits.
This appeared originally on Jordan Gray’s website.
Ladies, learning to understand and love the part of men that want, need and desire to fix things can offer a great solution to our desire for emotional connection and their need for accomplishment.
Give them something intentionally to engage their Inner Fixer, and you will find one of the world’s best natural problem solvers in action.
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This story has been republished to Medium.
Photo credit: iStock
Hmmmm, not so sure about the article, either. What about the fact that men like to fix things, for the people they love, because, doing things and helping is part of the way they love and protect whomever they are doing the fixing for? My Dad loved fixing things for me…he was a pretty quiet man, and, it wasn’t until later years that I understood this was just one way he showed us, his family, he loved us, and was looking after us, providing for his family. I think much of the anatomy of the emotional make up of men… Read more »
Joy,
Thank you. You said what I was trying to achieve in the article. Appreciation. The attempt was to look at a common stereotype and break it down. So that women could find what you found with your dad. Thank you so much for sharing it!
Theresa
Hogwash. This is hogwash based on the false and erroneous assumption that men are thinkers, rational and cool-minded and objective, while women are feelers, emotional and hormonal. John Gray, the former alcoholic priest, has sold a lot of books spreading that falsehood. This derives from Dr. Carl Jung’s division of four major psychic functions: thinking, feeling, sensating and intuiting. The reality is that about half of humans, men and women equally, are thinking predominants, and the other half are feeling predominants. It is hubirstic nonsense to categorize men as the thinking non-emotional types. Most men, despite their denial, are significantly… Read more »
Dolly Mama, I appreciate your comments. The point of the article was to take something generally thought of as a stereotype, and break it down in a way that women could understand it differently. If I didn’t achieve that, thank you for pointing it out. The man I interviewed is actually incredibility sensitive and in touch with all aspects of his feelings, which is why I asked for his input. He was merely indulging me in helping to write a piece on the “inner fixer” drive in men. His interview was the majority of the article. It wasn’t meant to… Read more »
Jung was just a man with interesting ideas. And Myers-Briggs is corporate hogwash. I don’t think Theresa was claiming anything definitive, and spending as much time as you have to diminish her words speaks to hubirstic nonsense more than anything else.
You know I am not really sure what to make of this piece…I am neutral. I see where you’re coming from here. I even can see where you are trying to go. I am just not so sure if this is the right course to get there.. I think the way to go for men is to grow emotionally. What you’re asking women to do is to become enablers of emotionally deficient men. I use the word deficient because I think the real problem is a lack of emotional intelligence. You’re letting men off the hook from doing the heavy… Read more »
Thank you Jules, for sharing your honest opinion and for being open to considering something different. I’m not sure how to address your statements, only because they were quotes from the gentleman I interviewed. I might not have done a great job of showing his quotes. (The piece of the article I wrote was at the top and bottom.) I will, however, happily tell you that I agree that enabling isn’t healthy for anyone, but embracing can be. The article was really trying to open up women’s minds to what it might feel like in a man’s fix-it mentality, not… Read more »
Sorry, I guess I should have read it more carefully…..
A weird way for GMP to present a “piece” Anyhow…
No, Jules, thank you for your comments. It helps me to know better for next time. I like the idea of asking people questions, using quotes and interviews. GMP lets us expand our articles as writers. Even if it didn’t work on this one, I learned. You weren’t the only one that thought I was saying what men are or aren’t.