Last week I wrote about the three basic mistakes husbands make in getting the affection they want.
In this article I will share the three most important attributes I’ve identified in husbands – and men in general – who get all the affection they want.
This is about the basic foundation of a man who takes the lead in creating what he wants. He knows beyond any doubt that creating what he wants requires a him to be what he wants. He happens to the world…he doesn’t wait for the world to happen to him.
While there are dozens of other ingredients that add to a thriving, affectionate relationship, without these I believe a man will struggle no matter what.
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The 3 Basics Attributes of the Affectionately Satisfied Man
Basic Attribute #1: He Shamelessly Gives Affection and He Means It
This doesn’t mean he is constantly gushing over her with smothering attention, compliments and touches. He is “shameless” in that he knows his attention, compliments and touches are genuine.
He is spiritually grounded in the certainty that people are meant to share love and affection.This is not negotiable for him.
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He gives these things from a clear intention of love, honor and respect and he has no concern for what others think about his affectionate nature.
He doesn’t give his affection and then look over his shoulder for a positive reaction. There’s no hidden agenda for showing his appreciation generously.
He isn’t the least bit ashamed to give her – or anyone else – these things because he knows they have value. He knows this because knows he is a man of value, which leads me to #2.
Basic Attribute #2: He Doesn’t Feel Entitled to Affection – He Simply Creates It
He is spiritually grounded in the certainty that people are meant to share love and affection. This is not negotiable for him. He will live a life full of affection – period. He doesn’t feel entitled to affection from any particular person – he simply knows he deserves a life full of affection. And he is unashamed to make this known to everyone in his life.
Does this create pressure on those he invites into his life? Yes. But he won’t apologize for it because it’s simply his truth.
He is under no illusion that it’s wrong or harmful to have high expectations of himself and for himself.
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Because of his shameless willingness to give affection, he attracts and spends time with those who share his values. He believes in his worth as a man and husband.
He chooses only to be in a relationship that values mutual respect and consciously and continually fosters affection.
Basic Attribute #3: He Expects More from Himself and Others
The affectionately satisfied man doesn’t shy away from having expectations. He is under no illusion that it’s rude, wrong or controlling to have high expectations of himself and for himself. He doesn’t tolerate antagonistic energy from within and he doesn’t tolerate it from others. And his wife is aware of that.
She is with him because she also has high expectations and enjoys being called to her higher self. And vice-versa. Neither of them will play in the shallow end of life or marriage. They call each other to go deeper.
It can be an uncomfortable edge to push – always expecting more depth, vulnerability and connection. But they keep their standards high because that’s the life they believe they were meant to live.
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What if Only ONE Person is Participating?
This is the obvious question.
What do you do if you feel like you are the only one trying to create the relationship you want? What do you do if you find yourself in a committed, long-term, romantic relationship – including marriage – where your expectations for the affectionate life you want are not fulfilled?
If creating a loving, genuinely affectionate relationship is one of my top relationship values why would I choose to share my life with someone who doesn’t share those values?
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It’s a very personal choice and I don’t believe there is one clear answer for everyone. But these are the questions I’ve had to ask myself.
- Have I consistently avoided the mistakes that antagonize the problem? For how long?
- Have I established the foundation of an affectionately satisfied person? If not, what am I waiting for?
- Have I set high self-expectations? Have I made my desires and expectations clear? If not, why not?
- If creating a loving, genuinely affectionate relationship is one of my top relationship values why would I choose to share my life with someone who doesn’t share those values?
Yeah, question #4 seems to be the toughest one.
But in my experience, questions 1-3 are actually much more difficult to answer. That’s why we jump straight to #4. It allows us to skip past our own accountability.
I’ve discovered that if I devote my time and focus on questions 1-3 I don’t need to ask #4.
I already know the answer to that.
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Are you a man who wants the necessary knowledge and courage to create the relationship you want? I wrote this free ebook just for you. You can do this. Download The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage by clicking HERE.
Photo Richard Foster/Flickr
Great article Steve! Enjoyed as always! 🙂
Once again, outstanding, Steve. I find myself looking forward to your posts. Especially the part about forging one’s own way and making no apology for such.
Hey DJ and NowIsee, I’m glad to know you men. Thanks for taking time to share your insights here. They will help anyone who reads them.
*massages….
Yep! Yep! and ……Yep! Intent doesn’t matter if it’s not moved to act towards the intent, consistently! Don’t [only] talk about it, be about it. Although I’m more of a highly analytical type, I’ve received feedback from friends, family AND colleagues that I give some of the best hugs, messages too. It’s just what I do. Affection is of the utmost importance. If you want to receive it, you have to be resolute about giving it, generously and consistently, even when you don’t want to. Face it, you can’t take it with you. It only matters when you freely give… Read more »