Are men who are “not listening” actually just subconsciously looking for some kind of passionate response in their partners?
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I just had a fight with a good friend in which he told me to go buy “a big box of I don’t give a f*ck from the f*ck you store.”
This sounds pretty harsh and he was really, really angry, but I found that it prompted me to smile rather than to cringe or cower. Partly because it is kind of funny, but mostly because I had to call myself out at that moment—I had been looking for some consideration and not getting it, so I had deliberately triggered him for a dose of negative attention.
Sometimes, when you feel like you are not being heard, “a big box of I don’t give a f*ck” can be music to your ears.
We talk a lot about troubled children seeking negative attention from otherwise distant parents, but how many adults employ this same tactic in their interpersonal relationships? I’m not talking about your typical “drama queen (or king)” personality–I’m talking about normal, well-adjusted people who occasionally find themselves throwing a monkey wrench into the works without necessarily examining the motivation. I’m sure this must be something I have done in the past, but this was the first time I was cognizant of what I had done the minute I got the reaction.
The number one complaint I hear from most women I know about their spouses or significant others is that they “don’t listen.”
It’s a huge issue for my husband and I, in fact. We recently had quite the blow up over a simple task I had asked him to perform while I was out running errands for the family; when I returned home, as I was unloading the car, I could actually hear him scurrying to BEGIN the chore that could have easily been finished in the hours I was gone.
I won’t bore you with the details of why the uncompleted job presented such a nuisance at the moment, but as I was tripping over him trying to unload groceries and start prep work for a nice dinner I had planned, I pointed out that this was a very inconvenient time for him to be doing something that could (should) have been finished hours earlier. Of course, he then angrily told me that I had walked in the door and “attacked” him.
When I relayed this tale of woe to my best friend the next day in exasperation, she pointed out that with all the hustle and bustle of life and chores and obligations, he may simply have been seeking a bit of my attention, negative or not.
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In fact, I recently saw one of those Facebook meme’s that said: “You call it nagging. I call it listen the f*ck to what I said the first time.” This could be engraved on my tombstone. I remember having a conversation with my husband very early in our relationship in which I said, “Why is it that when you ask me to do something I do it immediately, and when I ask you to do something, I have to repeat the request several times until I get so frustrated I yell at which point you tell me I’m being bitchy and perform the task like you are some great martyr?”
His response? “Well, it’s good to know you recognize our dynamic.”
I laughed at the time, but 20 years later it seems significantly less humorous, just sayin’. I do take comfort in knowing I am far from alone in this experience. I mean, they are making MEMES about it. So why is this negative attention seeking such a constant and powerful way that men and women connect? Are men who are “not listening” actually just subconsciously looking for some kind of passionate response in their partners?
When we are courting and we want someone’s attention, we do a lot of positive things to attract it. But once our relationship is committed and entrenched, this tactic gets somewhat lost in the shuffle of schedules and kids and bills and life. We forget to give our partners the kind of attention that made us fall for each other to begin with…and distance grows.
We stop grooming for each other, we sag under the weight of shared responsibilities, we fail to communicate basic needs, instead focusing on the endless “honey-do list” of life.
Negative attention becomes a substitute for passion.
The next time we trigger a negative response in a person we love, instead of pointing a finger at their reaction, can men and women instead look at their own motivation? It takes two not only to tango…if you are consistently getting negative attention from a person you are seeking love from, you might want to ask yourself why. Do you desperately need “a big box of I don’t give a f*ck” to ironically signify that this person actually does care?
Or are you looking for confirmation that it is time to move on?
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Negative attention is a powerful thing. It is full of passion and energy, two elements we all want in our primary relationships.
So the challenge is this: can we endeavor to inspire passion not with triggers, but instead with vulnerability? As “hot” as negative attention can be, it generally inspires a shutting down instead of an opening up and then the barriers to honest communication grow thicker.
Can a wife recognize that her husband, when he fails to complete a requested task, is just looking for her to engage with him?
Can men realize that “nagging” is more often than not just a need to be heard? Can we break the cycle of negative attention and become respectful listeners and responders?
Or is it just too easy to keep pushing each other’s buttons and closing ourselves off to intimacy?
Is a big box of I don’t give a f*ck too irresistible not to buy?
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Photo: jchapiewsky/Flickr
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“Are men who are “not listening” actually just subconsciously looking for some kind of passionate response in their partners?” NO. We hear you. We are listening. The problem is far more simple: Generally speaking, most men do not like being told what to do. Specifically, most husbands do no like being told what to do by their wives. It really IS that simple. They probably do the opposite or nothing! “Why is it that when you ask me to do something I do it immediately, and when I ask you to do something, I have to repeat the request several… Read more »